Control Over Eating
We've been struggling with the Doob's eating for a while now and I got so fed up and frustrated that I posted a query to the positive dicipline list on yahoo that I belong to.
My fellow positive parents:
I wanted to first thank everyone for their good advice when I posted
about my mealtime challenge a few months ago. To recap, my son (who
will be 4 in May) was getting all riled up when my husband came home
from work and wouldn't come to the table for dinner or stay in his
seat or eat. We implemented several suggestions, including having me
and my son eat earlier on some nights and giving my son and husband
some time together before I serve dinner on others. I also let go of
a lot of my expecations regarding my son's behavior.
Things haven't really improved, however. In fact, I feel that we've
regressed. We still have issues at every mealtime. He is difficult to
bring to the table, impossible to keep in his seat, and it's a 50/50
proposition as to whether he'll eat or not. Even if he does eat, we
have to feed him each bite. He's capable of using a fork; he just
doesn't want to and won't eat unless we feed him.
We always give warnings and set the timer so he knows that a mealtime
is coming. We don't feed him snacks or give him treats in between
meals so there's no reason why he wouldn't be hungry. We ask only
that he try one bite of everything on his plate, and if he honestly
doesn't like it (which is rare) I fix him something else. We
frequently give him his own choice as to what he wants to eat for
that meal, and once a week I let him pick the dinner that everyone
eats. He helps me cook by measuring ingredients or getting something
out of the fridge, and we always all sit down together when it's time
to eat.
*deep breath*
I often need to use gentle physical manipulation to bring him to the
table. Sometimes he fights me, hitting me as I try to lead him or
yanking his hand away from mine and running into another room, then
evading me when I come after him. Thankfully this isn't the norm, but
on a couple of occassions I've lost it at that point. Last week I was
trying to bring him to the table for the third time that meal and he
hit me with his baby doll, I dragged him to his chair, shoved him
into it, and dumped his lunch on his head. I'm mortified to admit
this, though at least it was only some raw baby carrots and snap peas
so it's not like he had spaghetti on him. I cooled off in my room and
apologized, and explained that I got so mad when he hit me that I
lost control of myself, I was wrong and I'll try not to have that
happen again.
But it brought home to me that I need help with this whole situation.
I lost my cool because I was trying to be positive and motivate him
to come to the table and eat lunch, but nothing was working. And when
he hit me I got so frustrated and I felt like I had no options so I
vented the anger in a negative way. So next time this happened was
over the weekend at lunch. He kept getting off the table and turning
his head when I tried to feed him his lunch, so I put the fork down
and said "Okay, if you don't want to eat you can be done. Go and play
if that's what you want to do." He got down from his seat and started
agitating his baby sister, who my husband was holding. We asked him
to stop, told him we were worried he might hurt her, and when she
started to screech and bat him away, I decided he had too much energy
and needed something to distract him. "Doob, do you want to go play
outside?" I bundled him up and told him to go on and go out to the
garage, I was going to finish lunch and join him in a few minutes. He
had fun moving snow from one pile to another and when it got too cold
I brought him inside again. He was elated and told me
excitedly, "Mommy, next time when I don't listen, then I'll go
outside again!" So now I don't know what to do. I don't want to react
negatively, but when I try distraction or letting go he interprets it
as a reward for "not listening."
Sometimes he won't eat for anything, and we have to bribe him
with "bite for bite" where he gets a raisin or a page of his book
read to him every time he eats a bite of food. I know this is wrong,
but I'm at a loss as to how to get him to eat otherwise.
Right now I'm very frustrated because I have to expend so much energy
at mealtimes. I hate myself, I hate him, I'm tired of turning into
Bozo the Clown just to get him to eat his lunch. It makes it very
difficult to eat my own meal or feed his baby sister or have a
conversation with his father...so much of my attention has to remain
centered on my son for the 1/2 hour or 45 minutes it takes to cajole
each and every bite of food into his mouth. His dad does this at
dinner, God Bless him, because I know I couldn't handle it twice a
day.
Needless to say, I find this exhausting and I want it to end. We need
a better mealtime dynamic. I know it's not unreasonable that an
almost 4 year old be able to feed himself, and I know my son is
capable of it. He was actually a better eater at this time last year
than he is now. He just doesn't WANT to eat, and I know he enjoys
having our undivided attention during mealtimes.
I've thought about what might be causing this. Part of it might be
the arrival of his little sister (who is 5 months old now) but that
can't account for all of it. It's significant to note that he's
showing no jealousy or acting-out behavior in any other facet of his
life, and I don't believe that he in any way resents the arrival of
his sister or is jealous of the time I spend with her. If anything,
she's another person he gets to play with. I make sure to dedicate
time each day for quality one on one time with him where we are
playing together (Cootie, Hide and Seek, Candyland, fighting the
dragon, etc) becuase I know that Quality Time is his love language
and what he craves from me most of all. So it's not like dinner is
the only time he gets my or his father's attention and so he's
interested in prolonging it.
We tried stepping back and allowing his own hunger cues to take over,
but the end result of that was that he had a bowl of nuts and raisins
once a day and never asked for food outside that snack. He eats
breakfast very well, all on his own every morning (a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.) And he does recognize hunger becuase he often
comes into the kitchen and asks for yogurt or bread and Vegemite or
nuts and raisins. After a few weeks of substandard nutrition, we re-
evaluated and determined that when it comes down to it, we're not
willing to sacrifice his health in order to allow him to make his own
food decisions. He's just not old enough yet for that responsibility.
I made him a Food Chart with little velcro spaces for everything he's
supposed to eat in a day (12 oz veggies, 12 oz fruit, 16 oz dairy, 5
oz grain, 4 oz protein) and we make a game out of filling it up. It's
not a reward chart. He doesn't get anything if it's all filled out.
Mostly I use it to illustrate what he needs to eat, eg: You've had
bread and crackers, a smoothie, chicken and carrots today. What color
do you need more of? Yes, green is vegetables. Do you want some
tomatoes and cucumber? Sometimes that helps, but most of the time
when he asks for nuts and raisins or yogurt and I tell him he's
already had some or needs something else or offer an early dinner, he
refuses and wanders away to play.
I just do not know what to do. He has to eat. This is the only area
of our lives that is a challenge for us. (Except sleep, but one thing
at at time.) And he's a bright, funny, loving, happy little boy. We
have fun together throughout the day. If it wasn't important that he
eat, I'd never make an issue out of it. If he made it even remotely
easy to feed him, I'd have no problem doing that.
I'm out of ideas, frustrated and pessimistic. Please help me!
I got lots of responses, most of them along the lines of "Hey, just calm down about it and stop forcing him to eat. He'll develop his habits based on what you guys are eating and his own preferences. If you don't make an issue out of it and provide him with healthy options and model good behavior, he'll grow up into a healthy and happy adult."
So in all, spot on with very good advice. It humbled me quite a bit and made me realize a few things about how I'm my mother (eeek eeeek eeeeek eeeek!) in the sense that it's not enough for Kaden to be generally healthy. If he's not eating the absolute healthiest food in exactly the right quantities, I'm not happy.
It's hard, becuase this is really one of those issues where doing things the wrong way can negatively impact his health. It's taken me a while to realize, though, that it's not going to impact his health THAT BADLY. So he eats nothing but muffins for a month. Eh. I can make zucchini muffins. I can make carrot muffins. I can make broccoli muffins. I can be creative and flexible.
Repeat after me: I can be creative and flexible!
Basically it comes down to the fact that teaching him to make his own decisions is more important to me than having him do the right thing.
That's a huge statement to make, I know, and the opposite of how I felt a week ago. But I think it's an important shift. When it all comes down to it, Kaden's going to have to make his own decisions for the rest of his life. If I want to teach him how to do that then I need to operate from a standpoint of trust. My parents still don't trust me to make my own decisions, as evidenced by my dad threatning to take away the money he's been gifting us if we move to Denver, and my mom nagging me about using hand lotion every time I wash my hands and wearing gloves every time I leave the house, regardless of the fact that they're my OWN DAMN HANDS, WOMAN!
With the little things I'm already there. So he wants to watch the ice part of the Polar Express for the third time today. Okay, no big deal. But with eating I really felt responsible for making sure he had his daily amounts. It doesn't help to have my mom breathing down my neck, "How is he going to get all the nutrients he needs? No, this doesn't make sense, Daisan. I don't agree."
AND today she told him he coudln't have a muffin until he ate his lunch. Hello? Turning muffins into rewards means that ALL HE'S EVER GOING TO WANT ARE MUFFINS! It spoils the entire thing.
So wish us luck. For a week, or two, we're letting him dictate his own eating. He can have whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. Sweets are limited to two servings a day, and I'm not a slave. If he wants an egg after I've just cleaned the kitchen, he's SOL. But he can have soemthing that doesn't require the stove. We're really going to try not to make eating a battle or give him any rewards for doing it. So far he's eating only muffins and apples and drinking milk. Yeah, it could be worse. It could also be better!
I do, however, have to mini-rant about some of stuff Don't people realize their advice looks bad when it comes with information like "When I'm cooking dinner and my son is hungry, I just hand him some of the fat I'm taking off the meat." or "Don't use nutritional charts! Experts don't know what they're talking about!"
Hand a child the fat I'm taking off the meat? Are you kidding me? People DO that?
I'm not a big anti-fat person, but WTF? Who the hell just plain old eats a piece of fat?
This is how we get the stories in the paper about the obese children whose parents first realized might have an issue when they came home from work and found them sitting in front of the TV eating A STICK OF BUTTER.
0_o!!!
Plus, I know what I'm talking about. I've done my research and looked at nutritional charts specifically for kids that also take his activity level into consideration. You do have to actually think about food, people. You can't just eat willy nilly whatever strikes your fancy at the moment. You have to plan meals, and buy fresh vegetables and fruits and incorporate lots of different kinds of food into your diet. You have to know what vitamins and minerals are in what kinds of foods and balance your intake. You need to make sure you're getting enough protein, enough vitamin C. Carrots are good for you. Yeah. But eat nothing but carrots and you've got a major freaking problem on your hands. I understand I shouldn't obsess about every bite, but let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater here.
I'm also pissed about the chick who posted her story of how her parents always forced her to eat every single bite of food on her plate even though she hated tomatoes and peppers, and now that she's grown up she's discovered tomatoes and peppers are the source of the excema she's had all her life. Moral: Don't force your kids to eat their food!
No problem with the principle of her story, but WE DON'T DO THAT to Kaden. My post said nothing about shoving food that he doesn't want down his throat. Our problem is that we can never get him to come to the table and eat anything, even stuff he loves, and that we have to feed him each bite, not that he's giving us a hard time with, I don't know...beets! In fact, we know he has texture issues and we're sensitive to that. I would totally never force my kid to eat something he didn't like, especially if he was willing to eat an equivalent vegetable instead.
*grinds teeth*
My fellow positive parents:
I wanted to first thank everyone for their good advice when I posted
about my mealtime challenge a few months ago. To recap, my son (who
will be 4 in May) was getting all riled up when my husband came home
from work and wouldn't come to the table for dinner or stay in his
seat or eat. We implemented several suggestions, including having me
and my son eat earlier on some nights and giving my son and husband
some time together before I serve dinner on others. I also let go of
a lot of my expecations regarding my son's behavior.
Things haven't really improved, however. In fact, I feel that we've
regressed. We still have issues at every mealtime. He is difficult to
bring to the table, impossible to keep in his seat, and it's a 50/50
proposition as to whether he'll eat or not. Even if he does eat, we
have to feed him each bite. He's capable of using a fork; he just
doesn't want to and won't eat unless we feed him.
We always give warnings and set the timer so he knows that a mealtime
is coming. We don't feed him snacks or give him treats in between
meals so there's no reason why he wouldn't be hungry. We ask only
that he try one bite of everything on his plate, and if he honestly
doesn't like it (which is rare) I fix him something else. We
frequently give him his own choice as to what he wants to eat for
that meal, and once a week I let him pick the dinner that everyone
eats. He helps me cook by measuring ingredients or getting something
out of the fridge, and we always all sit down together when it's time
to eat.
*deep breath*
I often need to use gentle physical manipulation to bring him to the
table. Sometimes he fights me, hitting me as I try to lead him or
yanking his hand away from mine and running into another room, then
evading me when I come after him. Thankfully this isn't the norm, but
on a couple of occassions I've lost it at that point. Last week I was
trying to bring him to the table for the third time that meal and he
hit me with his baby doll, I dragged him to his chair, shoved him
into it, and dumped his lunch on his head. I'm mortified to admit
this, though at least it was only some raw baby carrots and snap peas
so it's not like he had spaghetti on him. I cooled off in my room and
apologized, and explained that I got so mad when he hit me that I
lost control of myself, I was wrong and I'll try not to have that
happen again.
But it brought home to me that I need help with this whole situation.
I lost my cool because I was trying to be positive and motivate him
to come to the table and eat lunch, but nothing was working. And when
he hit me I got so frustrated and I felt like I had no options so I
vented the anger in a negative way. So next time this happened was
over the weekend at lunch. He kept getting off the table and turning
his head when I tried to feed him his lunch, so I put the fork down
and said "Okay, if you don't want to eat you can be done. Go and play
if that's what you want to do." He got down from his seat and started
agitating his baby sister, who my husband was holding. We asked him
to stop, told him we were worried he might hurt her, and when she
started to screech and bat him away, I decided he had too much energy
and needed something to distract him. "Doob, do you want to go play
outside?" I bundled him up and told him to go on and go out to the
garage, I was going to finish lunch and join him in a few minutes. He
had fun moving snow from one pile to another and when it got too cold
I brought him inside again. He was elated and told me
excitedly, "Mommy, next time when I don't listen, then I'll go
outside again!" So now I don't know what to do. I don't want to react
negatively, but when I try distraction or letting go he interprets it
as a reward for "not listening."
Sometimes he won't eat for anything, and we have to bribe him
with "bite for bite" where he gets a raisin or a page of his book
read to him every time he eats a bite of food. I know this is wrong,
but I'm at a loss as to how to get him to eat otherwise.
Right now I'm very frustrated because I have to expend so much energy
at mealtimes. I hate myself, I hate him, I'm tired of turning into
Bozo the Clown just to get him to eat his lunch. It makes it very
difficult to eat my own meal or feed his baby sister or have a
conversation with his father...so much of my attention has to remain
centered on my son for the 1/2 hour or 45 minutes it takes to cajole
each and every bite of food into his mouth. His dad does this at
dinner, God Bless him, because I know I couldn't handle it twice a
day.
Needless to say, I find this exhausting and I want it to end. We need
a better mealtime dynamic. I know it's not unreasonable that an
almost 4 year old be able to feed himself, and I know my son is
capable of it. He was actually a better eater at this time last year
than he is now. He just doesn't WANT to eat, and I know he enjoys
having our undivided attention during mealtimes.
I've thought about what might be causing this. Part of it might be
the arrival of his little sister (who is 5 months old now) but that
can't account for all of it. It's significant to note that he's
showing no jealousy or acting-out behavior in any other facet of his
life, and I don't believe that he in any way resents the arrival of
his sister or is jealous of the time I spend with her. If anything,
she's another person he gets to play with. I make sure to dedicate
time each day for quality one on one time with him where we are
playing together (Cootie, Hide and Seek, Candyland, fighting the
dragon, etc) becuase I know that Quality Time is his love language
and what he craves from me most of all. So it's not like dinner is
the only time he gets my or his father's attention and so he's
interested in prolonging it.
We tried stepping back and allowing his own hunger cues to take over,
but the end result of that was that he had a bowl of nuts and raisins
once a day and never asked for food outside that snack. He eats
breakfast very well, all on his own every morning (a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.) And he does recognize hunger becuase he often
comes into the kitchen and asks for yogurt or bread and Vegemite or
nuts and raisins. After a few weeks of substandard nutrition, we re-
evaluated and determined that when it comes down to it, we're not
willing to sacrifice his health in order to allow him to make his own
food decisions. He's just not old enough yet for that responsibility.
I made him a Food Chart with little velcro spaces for everything he's
supposed to eat in a day (12 oz veggies, 12 oz fruit, 16 oz dairy, 5
oz grain, 4 oz protein) and we make a game out of filling it up. It's
not a reward chart. He doesn't get anything if it's all filled out.
Mostly I use it to illustrate what he needs to eat, eg: You've had
bread and crackers, a smoothie, chicken and carrots today. What color
do you need more of? Yes, green is vegetables. Do you want some
tomatoes and cucumber? Sometimes that helps, but most of the time
when he asks for nuts and raisins or yogurt and I tell him he's
already had some or needs something else or offer an early dinner, he
refuses and wanders away to play.
I just do not know what to do. He has to eat. This is the only area
of our lives that is a challenge for us. (Except sleep, but one thing
at at time.) And he's a bright, funny, loving, happy little boy. We
have fun together throughout the day. If it wasn't important that he
eat, I'd never make an issue out of it. If he made it even remotely
easy to feed him, I'd have no problem doing that.
I'm out of ideas, frustrated and pessimistic. Please help me!
I got lots of responses, most of them along the lines of "Hey, just calm down about it and stop forcing him to eat. He'll develop his habits based on what you guys are eating and his own preferences. If you don't make an issue out of it and provide him with healthy options and model good behavior, he'll grow up into a healthy and happy adult."
So in all, spot on with very good advice. It humbled me quite a bit and made me realize a few things about how I'm my mother (eeek eeeek eeeeek eeeek!) in the sense that it's not enough for Kaden to be generally healthy. If he's not eating the absolute healthiest food in exactly the right quantities, I'm not happy.
It's hard, becuase this is really one of those issues where doing things the wrong way can negatively impact his health. It's taken me a while to realize, though, that it's not going to impact his health THAT BADLY. So he eats nothing but muffins for a month. Eh. I can make zucchini muffins. I can make carrot muffins. I can make broccoli muffins. I can be creative and flexible.
Repeat after me: I can be creative and flexible!
Basically it comes down to the fact that teaching him to make his own decisions is more important to me than having him do the right thing.
That's a huge statement to make, I know, and the opposite of how I felt a week ago. But I think it's an important shift. When it all comes down to it, Kaden's going to have to make his own decisions for the rest of his life. If I want to teach him how to do that then I need to operate from a standpoint of trust. My parents still don't trust me to make my own decisions, as evidenced by my dad threatning to take away the money he's been gifting us if we move to Denver, and my mom nagging me about using hand lotion every time I wash my hands and wearing gloves every time I leave the house, regardless of the fact that they're my OWN DAMN HANDS, WOMAN!
With the little things I'm already there. So he wants to watch the ice part of the Polar Express for the third time today. Okay, no big deal. But with eating I really felt responsible for making sure he had his daily amounts. It doesn't help to have my mom breathing down my neck, "How is he going to get all the nutrients he needs? No, this doesn't make sense, Daisan. I don't agree."
AND today she told him he coudln't have a muffin until he ate his lunch. Hello? Turning muffins into rewards means that ALL HE'S EVER GOING TO WANT ARE MUFFINS! It spoils the entire thing.
So wish us luck. For a week, or two, we're letting him dictate his own eating. He can have whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. Sweets are limited to two servings a day, and I'm not a slave. If he wants an egg after I've just cleaned the kitchen, he's SOL. But he can have soemthing that doesn't require the stove. We're really going to try not to make eating a battle or give him any rewards for doing it. So far he's eating only muffins and apples and drinking milk. Yeah, it could be worse. It could also be better!
I do, however, have to mini-rant about some of stuff Don't people realize their advice looks bad when it comes with information like "When I'm cooking dinner and my son is hungry, I just hand him some of the fat I'm taking off the meat." or "Don't use nutritional charts! Experts don't know what they're talking about!"
Hand a child the fat I'm taking off the meat? Are you kidding me? People DO that?
I'm not a big anti-fat person, but WTF? Who the hell just plain old eats a piece of fat?
This is how we get the stories in the paper about the obese children whose parents first realized might have an issue when they came home from work and found them sitting in front of the TV eating A STICK OF BUTTER.
0_o!!!
Plus, I know what I'm talking about. I've done my research and looked at nutritional charts specifically for kids that also take his activity level into consideration. You do have to actually think about food, people. You can't just eat willy nilly whatever strikes your fancy at the moment. You have to plan meals, and buy fresh vegetables and fruits and incorporate lots of different kinds of food into your diet. You have to know what vitamins and minerals are in what kinds of foods and balance your intake. You need to make sure you're getting enough protein, enough vitamin C. Carrots are good for you. Yeah. But eat nothing but carrots and you've got a major freaking problem on your hands. I understand I shouldn't obsess about every bite, but let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater here.
I'm also pissed about the chick who posted her story of how her parents always forced her to eat every single bite of food on her plate even though she hated tomatoes and peppers, and now that she's grown up she's discovered tomatoes and peppers are the source of the excema she's had all her life. Moral: Don't force your kids to eat their food!
No problem with the principle of her story, but WE DON'T DO THAT to Kaden. My post said nothing about shoving food that he doesn't want down his throat. Our problem is that we can never get him to come to the table and eat anything, even stuff he loves, and that we have to feed him each bite, not that he's giving us a hard time with, I don't know...beets! In fact, we know he has texture issues and we're sensitive to that. I would totally never force my kid to eat something he didn't like, especially if he was willing to eat an equivalent vegetable instead.
*grinds teeth*