(no subject)
yeah, i am still alive. didnt think i was gonna make it through with my mind still intact. things have calmed down with the pregnant niece. her boyfriend just left last week for Marine boot camp. so she is my shadow right now.
i had to put my dog down. most horrible rotten thing i have ever had to do. it was supposed to be peaceful and quick. yeah. it wasnt. my dog fought to live. there in my arms. it brought back the day my dad got mad at us kids and made us watch him nail our pet rabbits to the tree in the backyard. we went to church that night, came home to supper. after we were done, dad asked us if we liked the chicken....and then told us that is was our beloved rabbits.
a lot of stuff from my childhood is at the surface right now. not sure why. but its time i deal with it and put it to rest. doug and i have figured out why i get so angry with him over stupid things... i was not shown love as a child..i want desperately to have it now. but i push everyone away. i dont like to be touched. i dont mind being intimate with him. i just dont like people touching me during the course of a day. i dont know why. even my children. i am trying to work on that. they are my babies. i should want them hugging me, leaning on me. so...there you have it. i am so messed up. but its not something i need to lay on my parents. its mine to deal with now. they caused it, why would i think they would help me put it away. i am strong enough to do. as long as doug will help me
i miss you GreyRaven!
i had to put my dog down. most horrible rotten thing i have ever had to do. it was supposed to be peaceful and quick. yeah. it wasnt. my dog fought to live. there in my arms. it brought back the day my dad got mad at us kids and made us watch him nail our pet rabbits to the tree in the backyard. we went to church that night, came home to supper. after we were done, dad asked us if we liked the chicken....and then told us that is was our beloved rabbits.
a lot of stuff from my childhood is at the surface right now. not sure why. but its time i deal with it and put it to rest. doug and i have figured out why i get so angry with him over stupid things... i was not shown love as a child..i want desperately to have it now. but i push everyone away. i dont like to be touched. i dont mind being intimate with him. i just dont like people touching me during the course of a day. i dont know why. even my children. i am trying to work on that. they are my babies. i should want them hugging me, leaning on me. so...there you have it. i am so messed up. but its not something i need to lay on my parents. its mine to deal with now. they caused it, why would i think they would help me put it away. i am strong enough to do. as long as doug will help me
i miss you GreyRaven!