♛ The Year's Eve
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I've never been good at making friends or keeping friendships. I'm awkward, my humor isn't very funny, I'm shy, and I am not witty. There are so many things about me that I don't like. There are so many things about me that I want to keep trying to improve. I felt like I was so under-developed. Before, I thought that If I am not able to have a proper lasting friendship, then I thought I was not really living up to expectations.
But what are the expectations?
I still don't know. And honestly, I don't want to know. I want to know my expectations. I want to know what I want from myself. Did I want that friendship two years ago? Yes, I wanted that attention. I wanted that one person who seemed to put me first. I wanted that reinsurance. But, I found some problems in that friendship. There were alarms blaring at so many moments to grab my attention. It was not the fairytale friendship that I imagined for myself. I was obessive with my phone. I didn't want to talk to anyone other than that friend. I wanted to text while eating, while at school or while shopping. I took time away from my family to talk to this friend. They weren't that important, apparently. I wanted her to feel like I was always avaliable for her.
But she was not always avaliable for me. She had her life. She was allowed to be busy.
And she never made mistakes.
I made mistakes. I did things that made her angry. If I fell asleep in mid of a conversation and woke up later in the night, she would be angry. Because I screwed up. But I just fell asleep, why was that a problem? Why did I apologize so much to her when I woke up? Why was I always giving her a wake up call? Why was I always the one crying?
I look back now, and honestly I feel so weak. How did I let that friendship control me so much? What was about her that made me so weak? Compared to then, I feel much stronger. I feel like I have some control now. Granted, I have become paranoid about friendships. I still want people to like me. To make time for me. I am still always worried that I am not interesting enough. I am still worried that maybe I am annoying that person too much. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, because I know I can be interesting, or the fact that I do have friends who like talking to me. But, it sucks because I can't shake that feeling.
The difference from two years ago to now is that I don't need that constant reinforcement (sometimes). If someone isn't talking to me, that isn't my fault. They're busy. If I fell asleep on them, it's not my fault. I'm sleepy. If I am not replying to someone right after their reply, it isn't on me. I'm busy. I have my own fucking life. I am my own person.
So, I cried over her and our little 4-5 year friendship. I sobbed and had a panic attack. It was an online friendship. I was sad. I felt alone. But you know what, I don't feel that way anymore. Yeah, I am not someone's first choice of a friend. I am not the first person anyone comes to so they can share the most updated news about their lives. They are that person for me. And sometimes, that's more than enough.
I want to thank her. She left and I was able to find myself. I was able to understand that I am a smart woman. That I can achieve my dreams. That I don't have to apologize to everyone and that there are people out there who actually care about me. I have friends. I am not on my phone constantly. I have good conversations. I can develop new interests. I like myself. I am proud of myself. I don't care what she says or if she even remembers me. I am able to let go of her. I will still have that little paranoia and I will carry that with me but I can work to fix it.
It is important to remember, that you may be in a bad situation right now. Or in a questionable situation right now. But it gets better. And you deserve better.
Find someone who would treat you the way Captain America would treat you. Find someone who would fight for you the way Steve fights for Bucky. Find someone who would love you the way Tony Stark loves Pepper Potts. Find someone who looks at you the way Ned the Piemaker looks at Chuck. Just remember to love yourself. Please. You're worth it.
You deserve the best. I deserve the best. Because I am the fucking best and so are you unless you really are the bad one, then please reevaluate your actions
Jan. 9 update: Offically been two years; I really need to learn to forget that. The week was terrible cause I constantly kept think about this shitty friendship. But you know what, I've got people who do care about me that is the most important thing ever.
Happy 2016 xoxo.