Cut My Heart Out
There are days when I wish I could cut my heart out. There are times when I wish I could be numb because when I do love someone, it never dies. Sometimes they hurt you and it’s not even their fault… it’s just life. It’s the fact that we live in a world where things fall apart.
The good thing is that I am finding myself. The hard thing is that I feel like I am falling. I want to stop. I want to wake up. I want to hide and I can’t. I think about doing drugs to ease the pain, and then I remember that they only make it worse. I think about jumping off a bridge, and then I think that is stupid. Just because my heart is broken, doesn’t mean I should give up on love or life.
But it’s not broken in the sense where I could make the other person out to be Mr. Evil. I broke it. If I had stayed alone, if I had not allowed myself to fall in love, if I had stayed hidden in my box… then none of this would have happened and I would still be living life going from one pretty boy or girl to the next. But no longer can I do that, no longer do I want to. I just want to stop for eternity.
So if anything when people come at me it makes me hurt more, makes me more upset, makes me more distant… like an animal. I say if you want to make me your pet, you better think twice. I don’t want to be a pet. I don’t want to be thrown away. I don’t want to be loved and then kicked out. I am sick of it. So I will love you as a friend, but if you cross those lines beware because then I will walk away and never return.
I have learned why my mother told me not to sleep with people. I have learned what happens when you fall in love. I now understand a pain that… if I was not already put through the fire enough times to make me remember all things work together in the end. I would have found myself swimming in the bathtub. Once I love people, it doesn’t die. I can’t cut it off. I can’t kill it. I can’t un-connect it. So it haunts me.
Needless to say it has been good for me in many ways and I still hope that maybe I am a fool, but I this point I would rather be a fool than to believe everything and felt and shared was a lie. I believe in love past the normal amount. I always have and always will. I don’t give a fuck if it makes me a freak. I can’t go against my heart.
Grrr… I want everything now and that is my problem. God has made it very clear that I need to be very alone and yet I am having a very hard time accepting it. This bothers me because usually I can conjure the things which cause me pain, but this one is complicated because I see the truth. I know that it’s for the best. I know it is what needs to be, but I am having a hard time accepting it. I can’t be in a relationship because it would be impossible; I have far too much to do first. Maybe it is I want one to hide in. I am like a kid who has been given homework and sees years of work before finishing… I know until I finish my homework a relationship will not work. So I take the glimmer of hope that someday when it is the right time and place (just like all other things) it will be, but until then I fight my inner demons that tell me lies.
But on a good note… amazing things are happening in music, art, connections in my work and I suppose that is my answer when I call out why. This is why. I have to focus and I don’t want to, but I have to. I have been told to. The focus is on creating and learning, growing and sharing, moving and dreaming… and I will still believe.
Anyways, just me being honest. Music is well. It’s just that some days I want someone to come home to and share all of these things, but I come home and I curl up and share my dreams with my friends. I accept my place. I have to go to bliss.
If you pray, I could use some. The more I do, the more it seems to come and try to drag me down.
Please don’t try to date me. I am not on the market. Ok.
Out to play.
The good thing is that I am finding myself. The hard thing is that I feel like I am falling. I want to stop. I want to wake up. I want to hide and I can’t. I think about doing drugs to ease the pain, and then I remember that they only make it worse. I think about jumping off a bridge, and then I think that is stupid. Just because my heart is broken, doesn’t mean I should give up on love or life.
But it’s not broken in the sense where I could make the other person out to be Mr. Evil. I broke it. If I had stayed alone, if I had not allowed myself to fall in love, if I had stayed hidden in my box… then none of this would have happened and I would still be living life going from one pretty boy or girl to the next. But no longer can I do that, no longer do I want to. I just want to stop for eternity.
So if anything when people come at me it makes me hurt more, makes me more upset, makes me more distant… like an animal. I say if you want to make me your pet, you better think twice. I don’t want to be a pet. I don’t want to be thrown away. I don’t want to be loved and then kicked out. I am sick of it. So I will love you as a friend, but if you cross those lines beware because then I will walk away and never return.
I have learned why my mother told me not to sleep with people. I have learned what happens when you fall in love. I now understand a pain that… if I was not already put through the fire enough times to make me remember all things work together in the end. I would have found myself swimming in the bathtub. Once I love people, it doesn’t die. I can’t cut it off. I can’t kill it. I can’t un-connect it. So it haunts me.
Needless to say it has been good for me in many ways and I still hope that maybe I am a fool, but I this point I would rather be a fool than to believe everything and felt and shared was a lie. I believe in love past the normal amount. I always have and always will. I don’t give a fuck if it makes me a freak. I can’t go against my heart.
Grrr… I want everything now and that is my problem. God has made it very clear that I need to be very alone and yet I am having a very hard time accepting it. This bothers me because usually I can conjure the things which cause me pain, but this one is complicated because I see the truth. I know that it’s for the best. I know it is what needs to be, but I am having a hard time accepting it. I can’t be in a relationship because it would be impossible; I have far too much to do first. Maybe it is I want one to hide in. I am like a kid who has been given homework and sees years of work before finishing… I know until I finish my homework a relationship will not work. So I take the glimmer of hope that someday when it is the right time and place (just like all other things) it will be, but until then I fight my inner demons that tell me lies.
But on a good note… amazing things are happening in music, art, connections in my work and I suppose that is my answer when I call out why. This is why. I have to focus and I don’t want to, but I have to. I have been told to. The focus is on creating and learning, growing and sharing, moving and dreaming… and I will still believe.
Anyways, just me being honest. Music is well. It’s just that some days I want someone to come home to and share all of these things, but I come home and I curl up and share my dreams with my friends. I accept my place. I have to go to bliss.
If you pray, I could use some. The more I do, the more it seems to come and try to drag me down.
Please don’t try to date me. I am not on the market. Ok.
Out to play.