Trapped
I was pondering Emily. This little one-shot is the result:
It doesn’t hurt my face to smile, anymore. But I wouldn’t go so far as to say there’s no pain. Still, it’s easier. Easier to smile and laugh, cook and tease, kiss and worry. So much easier than the alternative.
Harry Clearwater’s sister is an idiot. A selfish, thoughtless, coward of a woman. I should know. We have that in common. She is, after all, my mother.
I was eleven when she brought home the man who would become my step-dad. I was fourteen when the council on our reservation gave me a land allotment so I could escape their house. Wouldn’t have happened at all, except Damian Oxendine found me in the woods, crying and bleeding from a split lip, among other things. He went to his uncle and, a week later while my step dad was at work, they went and got everything from my room and moved it into old Spence Sandoval’s place. He’d died the year before. I’ve never had to go back into my mother’s house, and she’s never set foot in mine. Damian was there every day, though. He’d have probably listened to me patiently, if I’d wanted to talk about what happened, but I didn’t. We didn’t talk much.
So when the handsome Sam Uley dumped my cousin and declared passionate love for me (and not even in that order), I did what any self-respecting girl would do. I spat in his face. Damian, at least, had the innate ability to just KNOW what I thought of love.
Leah was devastated. And I was her very best friend. Fortunately Sam hadn’t told her WHY it was over, so I was able to be there for her, at first. Until he realized I was out at the Clearwater’s place all the time. Then he started coming ‘round again, and Leah got her hopes up. I was so disgusted with him. No matter how many times I hissed at him to leave me alone - to stop touching me - he kept trying. It got to where I couldn’t leave Leah’s side. If I got up for a drink of water, he found his way into the kitchen. If I had to pee, he was in the upstairs hallway waiting for me. It reminded me so much of that pig my mother married, the way he’d watched me…my skin crawled every time he was around.
That’s how I lost Leah. Sam looked at me the wrong way one time too many, and I shouted at him that I would never - NEVER… Leah’s smart. I couldn’t say it, but she took one look at the disappointment on his face, and she KNEW. She went upstairs to her room and slammed the door, and I went home. Damian was waiting for me.
That wasn’t the end of it, though. Sam was on our res more often than there was any reason for. I asked Damian to go talk to his uncle, but he came back looking shifty. Turned out he WAS shifty. He shifted himself right out of my house that very night. I don’t know where he went. In the end it doesn’t matter. I hadn’t really loved him, it’s just he’s the only one who really KNEW me. I hadn’t even told Leah.
I was picking raspberries when it happened. Sam hadn’t got brave enough to actually come to my house, but when he could catch me outside of it, he was all smiles. I tried being polite to him. I tried being cold. I tried being insulting, and rude. Nothing made him go away. And all I could think about was how badly my cousin must be hurting, and how creepy it was, the way his eyes followed me.
I’d tried to be so sneaky. I’d gone out my BACK door, in case he was watching the front, and I’d gone before dawn, tip-toeing into the trees and circling around. I crossed the road four houses down to pick up the trail out to the raspberry patch. Leah’s birthday was coming up. I’d wanted to send her a pie. Sue had promised she wouldn’t tell her where it came from. I had just about filled my basket when I felt his eyes on me. Again.
We fought again. I ignored the hurt in his eyes. It didn’t fit with my vision of him - my step-father’s revolting face superimposed over Sam’s form - and I just ignored it. I ignored the shaking in his voice and hands, and I shouted all the things at him that I’d always wanted to say to the man who took away my childhood. I was vague enough that he didn’t guess my secrets. But it wasn’t fair of me, I know that now. Thoughtless. He still doesn’t know what the hell my problem was that day, and I know I can never tell him. When I woke up in the hospital, half my face burning under the stifling bandages, I told him I couldn’t remember what I’d said. He’s never asked about it again.
If I hadn’t given in, maybe Leah would have won him back eventually. Maybe she would have taken ME back into her life. But I was selfish. I gave him the first smile before they’d even taken off my bandages because I knew what I would be. I was as damaged now on the outside as I’d been on the inside. The angry tears in my skin would reflect my inner pain. But now it was out there for everyone to see, and I was trapped. Who was likely to want me? Who but Sam?
Sam, who - never mind what he’d told me about the supernatural crap - was tied to me more tightly than anyone ever could be. By guilt. Even if he was like most men, and I suspected he was, deep down. (He’d left Leah, after all.) Even if he was just like Damian, he wouldn’t ever leave me. The pain in his eyes convinced me of that, and I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Love is impermanent. But guilt? Guilt is forever.
It doesn’t hurt my face to smile, anymore. But I wouldn’t go so far as to say there’s no pain. Still, it’s easier. Easier to smile and laugh, cook and tease, kiss and worry. So much easier than the alternative.
Harry Clearwater’s sister is an idiot. A selfish, thoughtless, coward of a woman. I should know. We have that in common. She is, after all, my mother.
I was eleven when she brought home the man who would become my step-dad. I was fourteen when the council on our reservation gave me a land allotment so I could escape their house. Wouldn’t have happened at all, except Damian Oxendine found me in the woods, crying and bleeding from a split lip, among other things. He went to his uncle and, a week later while my step dad was at work, they went and got everything from my room and moved it into old Spence Sandoval’s place. He’d died the year before. I’ve never had to go back into my mother’s house, and she’s never set foot in mine. Damian was there every day, though. He’d have probably listened to me patiently, if I’d wanted to talk about what happened, but I didn’t. We didn’t talk much.
So when the handsome Sam Uley dumped my cousin and declared passionate love for me (and not even in that order), I did what any self-respecting girl would do. I spat in his face. Damian, at least, had the innate ability to just KNOW what I thought of love.
Leah was devastated. And I was her very best friend. Fortunately Sam hadn’t told her WHY it was over, so I was able to be there for her, at first. Until he realized I was out at the Clearwater’s place all the time. Then he started coming ‘round again, and Leah got her hopes up. I was so disgusted with him. No matter how many times I hissed at him to leave me alone - to stop touching me - he kept trying. It got to where I couldn’t leave Leah’s side. If I got up for a drink of water, he found his way into the kitchen. If I had to pee, he was in the upstairs hallway waiting for me. It reminded me so much of that pig my mother married, the way he’d watched me…my skin crawled every time he was around.
That’s how I lost Leah. Sam looked at me the wrong way one time too many, and I shouted at him that I would never - NEVER… Leah’s smart. I couldn’t say it, but she took one look at the disappointment on his face, and she KNEW. She went upstairs to her room and slammed the door, and I went home. Damian was waiting for me.
That wasn’t the end of it, though. Sam was on our res more often than there was any reason for. I asked Damian to go talk to his uncle, but he came back looking shifty. Turned out he WAS shifty. He shifted himself right out of my house that very night. I don’t know where he went. In the end it doesn’t matter. I hadn’t really loved him, it’s just he’s the only one who really KNEW me. I hadn’t even told Leah.
I was picking raspberries when it happened. Sam hadn’t got brave enough to actually come to my house, but when he could catch me outside of it, he was all smiles. I tried being polite to him. I tried being cold. I tried being insulting, and rude. Nothing made him go away. And all I could think about was how badly my cousin must be hurting, and how creepy it was, the way his eyes followed me.
I’d tried to be so sneaky. I’d gone out my BACK door, in case he was watching the front, and I’d gone before dawn, tip-toeing into the trees and circling around. I crossed the road four houses down to pick up the trail out to the raspberry patch. Leah’s birthday was coming up. I’d wanted to send her a pie. Sue had promised she wouldn’t tell her where it came from. I had just about filled my basket when I felt his eyes on me. Again.
We fought again. I ignored the hurt in his eyes. It didn’t fit with my vision of him - my step-father’s revolting face superimposed over Sam’s form - and I just ignored it. I ignored the shaking in his voice and hands, and I shouted all the things at him that I’d always wanted to say to the man who took away my childhood. I was vague enough that he didn’t guess my secrets. But it wasn’t fair of me, I know that now. Thoughtless. He still doesn’t know what the hell my problem was that day, and I know I can never tell him. When I woke up in the hospital, half my face burning under the stifling bandages, I told him I couldn’t remember what I’d said. He’s never asked about it again.
If I hadn’t given in, maybe Leah would have won him back eventually. Maybe she would have taken ME back into her life. But I was selfish. I gave him the first smile before they’d even taken off my bandages because I knew what I would be. I was as damaged now on the outside as I’d been on the inside. The angry tears in my skin would reflect my inner pain. But now it was out there for everyone to see, and I was trapped. Who was likely to want me? Who but Sam?
Sam, who - never mind what he’d told me about the supernatural crap - was tied to me more tightly than anyone ever could be. By guilt. Even if he was like most men, and I suspected he was, deep down. (He’d left Leah, after all.) Even if he was just like Damian, he wouldn’t ever leave me. The pain in his eyes convinced me of that, and I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Love is impermanent. But guilt? Guilt is forever.