Without a doubt, would I have collapsed from inside out
Then he called out to me and I was afraid, I didn't know what to think, (it was more like I didn't wish to think of anything) and then he asked if I could, if I wanted to, and I couldn't steady myself I didn't know what to say or why I could not say anything but I tried my best to, (I couldn't say anything but) my eyes pleaded their way through and I was sure of it that he could see uncertainty, self-doubt and fear and I always tried to keep it inside away from the people I fight for (because they need me because I had to step up and maybe because deep down I knew I could) but when he looked square into my eyes I wanted to be honest I did not know if now was the time to let my guard down I don't know if I deserve it I said but there he stood, (a figure of immense resolution and authority whom I have come to respect greatly,) I am telling you now that you have but all I could think about was who should have been standing there instead of me. And I knew who, but defaults, defaults. I could only think about defaults. It was only right that I should, I could not look away, Are you able to, he said, he repeated that twice, I closed my eyes and it burned but I managed a nod, unsure if he heard a voice because I could not hear mine at all, Night seemed to have consumed me as I dissolved into a frightful negation, away from everyone, everything. I don't know how I am going to face the responses, (if there will be any but I am almost sure of it,) I had accepted what was before because I knew it was fair but now I don't exactly know how or what to feel although I know tomorrow will be different because from the moment I wake up everything will, and must change, I have entered another level and I will prove to everyone that I deserve to be where I am, that I can almost be as good as them. For now, I can only think of Why, How, and What if, it must have been hard for him to make a choice, although I would never doubt his decision, because it would have been easier to have kept it, Twenty-three. Maybe he believes in something which I have yet to find.