That Whole Rapture Business
So as I was driving around today, I saw a sign for vacation Bible school. On the sign, it said “This isn’t your Grandma’s Vacation Bible School!” Really? So it has electricity? Because that right there would make a huge difference. But why are churches planning anyway, with the rapture and all? You have to wonder if they were laughing to themselves as they put it up.
“This will be the ultimate red herring!” which somehow works with the love of fish and everything.
But with the rapture. I don’t get it. Who tries to predict the end of the world? First of all, nobody has ever been right, ever. It’s a solid .000 batting average. And what’s the point of being the first guy to get it right?
“Hey, I predicted the Apocalypse, see I told… oh wait everyone is dead.”
But I guess you would get to talk about it in heaven. So congrats on getting to spend eternity talking about God, which will be different from your normal life in exactly zero ways. The rest of us will still be on Earth, doing that thing called “having fun.” Yeah, the whole eternal torture thing is a downer, but the alternative is soooo boring.
If the rapture ever comes, it’ll be interesting to see who gets in on the first round.
“Okay, Pastor Mike made it, and Aunt Sally that’s good. Wait, Mel Gibson ascended? What the H man?”
I tell you what, I’d spend the next 5 months doing nothing but watching The Passion of The Christ and Lethal Weapon just in case there’s a second chance. Everyone gets to go plead their case in front of a tight black v-neck sporting Jesus.
“Why do you think you deserve to go on?”
“Well, I helped an old lady with her groceries once, and I’m kind of a cool guy.”
“Really, you’re cool? I don’t think you’d know cool if it came down and tried to rapture you.”
At that point, you’d probably think that Jesus is kind of being a dick about the whole thing, which would immediately mean you weren’t ascending. Pretty sure people that call Jesus a dick are batting about .000 when it comes to that sort of thing.
“This will be the ultimate red herring!” which somehow works with the love of fish and everything.
But with the rapture. I don’t get it. Who tries to predict the end of the world? First of all, nobody has ever been right, ever. It’s a solid .000 batting average. And what’s the point of being the first guy to get it right?
“Hey, I predicted the Apocalypse, see I told… oh wait everyone is dead.”
But I guess you would get to talk about it in heaven. So congrats on getting to spend eternity talking about God, which will be different from your normal life in exactly zero ways. The rest of us will still be on Earth, doing that thing called “having fun.” Yeah, the whole eternal torture thing is a downer, but the alternative is soooo boring.
If the rapture ever comes, it’ll be interesting to see who gets in on the first round.
“Okay, Pastor Mike made it, and Aunt Sally that’s good. Wait, Mel Gibson ascended? What the H man?”
I tell you what, I’d spend the next 5 months doing nothing but watching The Passion of The Christ and Lethal Weapon just in case there’s a second chance. Everyone gets to go plead their case in front of a tight black v-neck sporting Jesus.
“Why do you think you deserve to go on?”
“Well, I helped an old lady with her groceries once, and I’m kind of a cool guy.”
“Really, you’re cool? I don’t think you’d know cool if it came down and tried to rapture you.”
At that point, you’d probably think that Jesus is kind of being a dick about the whole thing, which would immediately mean you weren’t ascending. Pretty sure people that call Jesus a dick are batting about .000 when it comes to that sort of thing.