For Now We Both Will Drown [Day 26: Words]
The conversation in the car on the way back from the penitentiary is like every other Dil and Fergus conversation: just a bunch of empty words.
“Just wait till you see the place, Jimmy! A lot can change in seven years. You’ll barely even recognize it. Naturally I made room for you, love.”
“Stop that.”
“Of course, dear. Though now that we’re living together you might as well get used to it.”
“We’re not living together, Dil.”
“Don’t be absurd! Where else will you live?”
“My apartment.”
Dil guffaws. “Darling, I told you, I sold your apartment when they locked you up. We needed the money.”
“We?”
“Yes, we. We need to protect each other in case your friends return for a visit.”
Fergus rolls his eyes but doesn’t say anything, because she’s right. It’s the one thing that scares him the most, even more than how he feels about Dil. He’s had a long time to learn how to pretend with Dil, but there will never be enough time to prepare himself for losing her should they have a repeat of what got him in prison in the first place.
“Are we going straight there?”
“Are we?”
“Don’t you think it would be proper to go to Metro instead?”
“Why of course!” Dil beams. “A celebration is in order! I’m sure Col was worried sick about you!”
Her smile is infectious. “I’m sure he was.”
~~~
When he walks into Metro, he has to stop in the doorway to catch himself. It looks exactly as he remembered it. Even the patrons seem not to have changed. It gives him the most uneasy feeling of home. Though perhaps, in the grand scheme of what his life has become, it was.
“Jimmy! A regular once more, I see!” Col is shocked and happy to see him in his own way. Getting strong emotion out of the barkeep was hard work. It made him that much more endearing. “What’ll it be?”
“Two usuals,” Fergus smirks as they sit at the bar.
“Ask him what his name is, Col,” Dil leads, as always.
“I believe it’s Jimmy.”
“That was last time. Ask him again.”
“The lady would like to know what is your name?”
“Fergus.”
“Fergus, is it?”
“A lovely name, don’t you find it, Col?”
“I have no opinion on the subject.”
“Ask him how he liked prison.”
“How did prison suit you, Fergus?”
“It suited me quite nicely,” Fergus replies dryly. “A lot quieter.” He gives Dil a meaningful look and she hits his arm at the implication.
“Quite the gentleman, isn’t he?”
“I wouldn’t know. Two usuals.”
“Thanks,” Dil purrs, lifting her glass. “To you, my sweet.”
“Don’t call me that,” Fergus mumbles without heat as he clinks their glasses. As they sip their drinks, Fergus watches the woman he’s come to… fancy over the years. She meets his gaze and he turns away blushing, for old times’ sake.
“ ‘Dyou see that, Col?”
“That was a look if I ever saw one, Dil.”
“Ask him what his intentions are.”
“Tell her my intentions are the same as they’ve always been.”
“Oh he is a gentleman, Col. Just like my Jody.” Each of them has a slightly wistful look at that, remembering the ghost they once called friend.
“I think I’m ready to go home now, Dil.”
~~~
He can flirt with Dil with ease. He can go to Metro and have a good time. He can have a rapport with Col. He can do these things because he knows the power of words. But in Dil’s apartment- their apartment- words fail him.
He’s panicking. He can feel the bile returning like it did so many years ago. He forces it to stay down. He knew this night was inevitable ever since he first saw her naked body. He doesn’t know if he’s more frightened by that, or the fact that it almost makes him happy.
There’s no pretending anymore. It’s the one thing they could never explain away no matter how hard they tried. Dil’s transgender and Fergus loves her.
“Why?” He finally musters.
“I can’t help it,” she echoes. “It’s in my nature.”
He kisses her. Just like it’s in her nature to dream of a more beautiful world, it’s in his nature to love her for it.
And certainly now they both will drown.