(no subject)
Since it is Christmas time, and "'tis the season to be jolly," I should probably write about how great this Christmas was, or how glad I am to celebrate with my family and friends, or how much the Lord has been teaching me...but everything doesn't feel so right and good.
I am not feeling in the "Christmas spirit" and this is not the happiest I have been all year... it's more like I am having a mini freakout because my heart is fighting so hard for my happiness, while my head is convinced that it is no use. I cannot make myself happy, I know, but I don't. Even if I could accept that completely and live in that kind of despair, could I trust that someone would be there to save me? If I give up, who will hold on? And how can I force myself not only to know it but to live it?
As a Christian, I hope that my joy will be found full in Christ. As a person...I don't know if He is enough. I feel like such a hypocrite, but who can say they are fully beyond this?
How many times will I have to fail to realize I can't save myself...or help myself? How many times? And when I realize it, finally, will it be too late?
I am not feeling in the "Christmas spirit" and this is not the happiest I have been all year... it's more like I am having a mini freakout because my heart is fighting so hard for my happiness, while my head is convinced that it is no use. I cannot make myself happy, I know, but I don't. Even if I could accept that completely and live in that kind of despair, could I trust that someone would be there to save me? If I give up, who will hold on? And how can I force myself not only to know it but to live it?
As a Christian, I hope that my joy will be found full in Christ. As a person...I don't know if He is enough. I feel like such a hypocrite, but who can say they are fully beyond this?
How many times will I have to fail to realize I can't save myself...or help myself? How many times? And when I realize it, finally, will it be too late?