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Campbell Defies Known Laws of Biology, Somehow Sleeps through Everything
Despite a theoretical limitation on the length of a time a non-comatose human being can remain asleep, the ever newsworthy Andrew Campbell has managed to make headlines again by sleeping like no man has ever slept before. While it is not unheard of for individuals to sleep through isolated events, Campbell set records today by sleeping through everything. "I've never seen anything like it," one bystander observed. "You'd think he would have at least stirred when Jesus managed to trip Godzilla with his own tail, but he just kept sleeping."
Many of those involved in today's antics also expressed dismay at Campbell's unusual narcolepsy. " I was sure he'd be there to watch me finish Lincoln in the final round," giant stone John Wilkes Booth stated with some dismay after his apocalyptic confrontation with the Lincoln Memorial. "But Lincoln's dust, and there's still no sign of my number one fan." Upon waking, Campbell showed no sign that he was aware of the sheer magnitude of the events he had missed. "What time is it?" was his only comment. "Am I late for class?" As of press time, Campbell is still unaware that he missed, among other things, the return of Atlantis, the assassination and subsequent resurrection of George W. Bush, and the Rapture.
Despite a theoretical limitation on the length of a time a non-comatose human being can remain asleep, the ever newsworthy Andrew Campbell has managed to make headlines again by sleeping like no man has ever slept before. While it is not unheard of for individuals to sleep through isolated events, Campbell set records today by sleeping through everything. "I've never seen anything like it," one bystander observed. "You'd think he would have at least stirred when Jesus managed to trip Godzilla with his own tail, but he just kept sleeping."
Many of those involved in today's antics also expressed dismay at Campbell's unusual narcolepsy. " I was sure he'd be there to watch me finish Lincoln in the final round," giant stone John Wilkes Booth stated with some dismay after his apocalyptic confrontation with the Lincoln Memorial. "But Lincoln's dust, and there's still no sign of my number one fan." Upon waking, Campbell showed no sign that he was aware of the sheer magnitude of the events he had missed. "What time is it?" was his only comment. "Am I late for class?" As of press time, Campbell is still unaware that he missed, among other things, the return of Atlantis, the assassination and subsequent resurrection of George W. Bush, and the Rapture.