self doubt at 3am
I feel like I'm an emotionally abusive person.
There's always the possibility that I'm blowing this wayyyyy out of proportion simply because I'm insecure. I know, really know now, that however lame it may sound, I was definitely in an emotionally abusive relationship. That means maybe all of this is just the result of doubting my reality/myself because I was manipulated into thinking I was all of this (or worse, all of this without any remotely understandable cause). THEN AGAIN, I could be justifying my emotional abuse by playing victim. I really don't think that's the case, but I just doubt myself too much to know.
A list of negative traits (please note that good traits exist as well and would amount to a much, much longer list hahaha):
I don't know what caused it in me. It's scary.
Even if I try to behave differently, sometimes it feels out of my control. So if I truly am abusive, the worst thing that could come from that is that I never change and abuse everyone around me. I'd like to think that I'm nowhere near bad enough to be considered "abusive," but it's hard to know!
There's always the possibility that I'm blowing this wayyyyy out of proportion simply because I'm insecure. I know, really know now, that however lame it may sound, I was definitely in an emotionally abusive relationship. That means maybe all of this is just the result of doubting my reality/myself because I was manipulated into thinking I was all of this (or worse, all of this without any remotely understandable cause). THEN AGAIN, I could be justifying my emotional abuse by playing victim. I really don't think that's the case, but I just doubt myself too much to know.
A list of negative traits (please note that good traits exist as well and would amount to a much, much longer list hahaha):
- I'm jealous sometimes. It's not crazy-insane, but it's pointless and uncomfortable for my partner.
- Certain things hurt me easily, and if I don't receive some sort of apology or recognition of my feelings, I get angry and can go overboard if it gets bad enough. This can happen often.
- Being told I'm a bitch or crazy hurts more than anything, anything, anything.
- I text my partners a lot, and enjoy calling often, too. Sometimes I do this even if I get the vibe that my partner isn't as interested in texting or talking on the phone. Once they literally say it, I'm hurt and try to respect it, but just feel so hurt that I feel a need to talk about it, which I mistakenly do through text or calling.
- I can over-analyze or criticize my partner if he does not line up with my personal code of ethics.
- I am annoyed if my partner spends money in a way I consider to be overboard (like $200 on hair supplies he loves when he's jobless), despite it not being my call whatsoever how he spends his money.
- I say insulting things half of the time during fights. For example, calling him dumb or making petty remarks in heated conversation, or joking in a negative way after a fight just to have a chance to express my negative thoughts.:(
- I sometimes have serious problems with my partner's friends. Usually this is when they view women and men in what I see as horribly incorrect terms (like, all women are emotionally unstable and bitches, or men are entitled to cheat because they're genetically designed to have sex with a lot of people). I'm a person who recognizes social problems and takes them seriously, and I'm female on top of that, so I take it kind of personally for my partner to closely befriend a sexist, especially if he does not express any disagreement with overly sexist commentary when he's around him/her. But instead of just saying, "I don't like that person," I have gone to the next level a few times and said, "Please avoid that person because I feel hurt by him/her." :(
- On a few occasions, I've even screamed loudly and cried violently. I think everyone does sometimes, especially in the circumstances I was in, but I'm not sure if in my case it's actually abuse or not.
- If I do something I regret, I apologize, but sometimes I do it again, even if deep-down I don't want to.
- The biggest sign to me is that one partner in particular would always point out my abusive behaviors. For awhile, I considered him manipulative and abusive (distorting my reality and making me feel insane and evil), so even though what he said made me seriously, seriously doubt myself, I would discredit the term abuse. Now I'm not so sure...
- Maybe we were both abusive? I had never really considered that option before because I was so caught up in dealing with the abuse that I felt I received. Argh.
I don't know what caused it in me. It's scary.
Even if I try to behave differently, sometimes it feels out of my control. So if I truly am abusive, the worst thing that could come from that is that I never change and abuse everyone around me. I'd like to think that I'm nowhere near bad enough to be considered "abusive," but it's hard to know!