Being Honest with Him
i called him...
he was cold....
this is what i wrote him after...
...over tired...bombarded....trampled...
"i feeling so sad, uphappy"
"............................"
what i need, what i have been searching for since forever......someone to hold me and tell me its all going to be ok and for me to believe him.
what i get from you. is live in your emotion but im not here to make it better. just take it. be sad. do you know what it is to listen to someone??? prehaps i just expected that from you since im used to that with with other friends. there is a reason that i am upset. i honestly dont have a concerte cause so i say i dont know. but thats when you talk it out with a loved one because they are supposed to be concerned and want to help. i cant talk to you. I am scared to even open my mouth when i talk to you. CAUSE i am emotional, i THINK, and i will not say i am sorry for that! you say you love that song..."how can someone go through a day and have nothing to say?" i have so so so much to say to you....things that i hold in my mind just for you...things i want to share! and if i start even with a small thing...you break me off and say .." you think too much" well this is who i am. i happen to ponder on alot of things....about my life..and i have been searching for someone to share them with...i was hoping it was you....but you seem to brush me off like the rest of the world.
im so tired of being trampled, im so tired of sitting on the side lines...for everyone else...me feeling the whole time that they are more important, more intelligent...because that is how i have felt with y friends and family and i was hoping you would not treat me that way but i am proven wrong once again. you are with me for you. it seems to me that their is no US in this equation ...there is only Richie.
there are all these tides brushing against us. there seems to be these bolders that keep coming between us and i keep trying to ignore each of them...but i am starting to loose sight of you in the process.
i have SO much love in my heart that i want to share. i have so much of myself that i want to give. but its as though you dont have the hands to hold my gifts. maybe you dont even have the eyes to see them as such.
i keep seeing the obvious and im trying to not look. i care so much for you. i love being with you. the words that are prehaps are lurking in my mind i cant allow myself to say...at times not even think.
i am trying so hard to not repeat the mistakes from my past. but its as though i am constantly blind in the present...so how do you know this is the right path? i search for others with sight to help me on my way but they have other concerns...
i feel as though i have given so much to you in these few months. Do you have any idea what i did today??? do you know why i went to the gyno,...no you dont because i didnt tell you...because i didnt want to have to deal with that fight agian...but anyways...i went to get on the pill...this BIG decision, this life altering thing...why because of US....why ...because of you...honestly...sex doesnt mean that much to me..i kept trying to figure out why i was really doing this, do i want to be sexually active? no. why would i have sex? becasue i am in a relationship and i feel it is expected of me and i want to make you happy. as the other part of my mind trys to convice myself that i really want to.
i know we are far apart. i mean those two weeks between graduation and darkstar weekend...we had the hardest time...i felt so distant from you/vs versa
and now its been......about two weeks again...and we are going through a hard time...is this because we havent seen eachother? yeah that puts alot of pressure on us. am i asking to much from you? am i placing too much expectations on you? no i dont think so. is this what i need. i shouldnt have to compromise that.
im babbling..its 2 a.m. im sure your passed out with your cats...i just took a walk with a ciggrette, my thoughts, and my tears...im drained.
~i didnt hold back. we are only lying if we are not honest. i needed to be honest. i didnt write this to hurt you. i hope to hear from you.
he was cold....
this is what i wrote him after...
...over tired...bombarded....trampled...
"i feeling so sad, uphappy"
"............................"
what i need, what i have been searching for since forever......someone to hold me and tell me its all going to be ok and for me to believe him.
what i get from you. is live in your emotion but im not here to make it better. just take it. be sad. do you know what it is to listen to someone??? prehaps i just expected that from you since im used to that with with other friends. there is a reason that i am upset. i honestly dont have a concerte cause so i say i dont know. but thats when you talk it out with a loved one because they are supposed to be concerned and want to help. i cant talk to you. I am scared to even open my mouth when i talk to you. CAUSE i am emotional, i THINK, and i will not say i am sorry for that! you say you love that song..."how can someone go through a day and have nothing to say?" i have so so so much to say to you....things that i hold in my mind just for you...things i want to share! and if i start even with a small thing...you break me off and say .." you think too much" well this is who i am. i happen to ponder on alot of things....about my life..and i have been searching for someone to share them with...i was hoping it was you....but you seem to brush me off like the rest of the world.
im so tired of being trampled, im so tired of sitting on the side lines...for everyone else...me feeling the whole time that they are more important, more intelligent...because that is how i have felt with y friends and family and i was hoping you would not treat me that way but i am proven wrong once again. you are with me for you. it seems to me that their is no US in this equation ...there is only Richie.
there are all these tides brushing against us. there seems to be these bolders that keep coming between us and i keep trying to ignore each of them...but i am starting to loose sight of you in the process.
i have SO much love in my heart that i want to share. i have so much of myself that i want to give. but its as though you dont have the hands to hold my gifts. maybe you dont even have the eyes to see them as such.
i keep seeing the obvious and im trying to not look. i care so much for you. i love being with you. the words that are prehaps are lurking in my mind i cant allow myself to say...at times not even think.
i am trying so hard to not repeat the mistakes from my past. but its as though i am constantly blind in the present...so how do you know this is the right path? i search for others with sight to help me on my way but they have other concerns...
i feel as though i have given so much to you in these few months. Do you have any idea what i did today??? do you know why i went to the gyno,...no you dont because i didnt tell you...because i didnt want to have to deal with that fight agian...but anyways...i went to get on the pill...this BIG decision, this life altering thing...why because of US....why ...because of you...honestly...sex doesnt mean that much to me..i kept trying to figure out why i was really doing this, do i want to be sexually active? no. why would i have sex? becasue i am in a relationship and i feel it is expected of me and i want to make you happy. as the other part of my mind trys to convice myself that i really want to.
i know we are far apart. i mean those two weeks between graduation and darkstar weekend...we had the hardest time...i felt so distant from you/vs versa
and now its been......about two weeks again...and we are going through a hard time...is this because we havent seen eachother? yeah that puts alot of pressure on us. am i asking to much from you? am i placing too much expectations on you? no i dont think so. is this what i need. i shouldnt have to compromise that.
im babbling..its 2 a.m. im sure your passed out with your cats...i just took a walk with a ciggrette, my thoughts, and my tears...im drained.
~i didnt hold back. we are only lying if we are not honest. i needed to be honest. i didnt write this to hurt you. i hope to hear from you.