Scratching the wall with some old barbed wire
I should be sleeping, or at least working on my outline for NaNoWriMo (not that this matters, because I am unlikely to write anything worth reading regardless of how much I prepare) but--they say journalling clears the mind, and I need to have something resembling a clear mind when I talk to my parents this weekend.
A few days ago my best friend K emailed to invite me to spend Christmas with her and her husband. In past years my response would have been an automatic "I can't, I need to visit my parents", but this time I emailed back right away to say I would see if I could get time off from work. I may see my parents briefly, depending on how exactly my plans fall out, but at the moment my plan is to fly out on Christmas Day and spend as much time as I can get off with my friends.
(I expect that this will bother my parents, especially my mom, and as they are both old I know I'm supposed to treasure every moment I can spend with them, but apparently I am a terrible human being. But you know, not only am I a woman, I am an old, ugly, fat woman, so I'm already something horrible. What's a little more icing on the cake?)
Last year my Christmas was terrible, and things my parents did made it so. I spent large amounts of time thinking "I wish I was visiting K and A right now", because they act like my well-being is important to them. Last Christmas my Mom was outraged that I didn't want her to call up Dad and bitch at him on Christmas Eve about how the bathroom toilet was making noise, so she got all pouty and she wouldn't respond to me and I freaked out thinking she was having a stroke and almost called 911 to summon help. I was mad then. I'm still mad.
Then when I visited Dad he spent large amounts of time complaining about Mom and some conflict they are having over money and the house and trying to draw me into the conflict on his side. I'm not interested in being a part of this. Neither of them has bothered to explain to me why their marriage fell apart or why they never bothered to get a real divorce, so I don't see why I need to be a part of their conflicts now.
It's irresponsible for me to want to have fun on a holiday, instead of being a good daughter. But I've been a good daughter for years now and all it's gotten me is stress, pain, and exhaustion. Both times Mom needed a place to stay because of house repairs I had to take her in. And when she had cancer I was the one who took her to doctors and fretted during her surgeries and sacrificed paid time off to take care of her. You would thing that would at least earn me adult behavior at Christmas, but no. Being responsible has no rewards.
And then there's my job, which has been a source of exhausting stress for a very long time now. The things that are causing me stress cannot be fixed because either the person who could fix them doesn't care to or because the issue has gone past the point of being fixable. I loathe being helpless, but there it is.
And I'm so alone. All of the things I have to deal with I have to deal with alone. I have no life partner, and since you recall I'm old, fat, and ugly that isn't ever going to change. (There is some mythical property called 'inner beauty' which is supposed to also be attractive, but I clearly lack it.) And I don't have any siblings to share my parent troubles with. Ok, technically I have a sister, but she spent junior high and high school making it clear that she was embarrassed to be associated with me and she wished I didn't exist. I haven't spoken to her in about 20 years, but since I still am fat, read too much, and have weird hobbies, I doubt her opinion has much reason to change. Going to visit friends and being able to pretend for just a little while that I'm not alone and that I have someone to watch my back would be so nice. So, so nice.
A few days ago my best friend K emailed to invite me to spend Christmas with her and her husband. In past years my response would have been an automatic "I can't, I need to visit my parents", but this time I emailed back right away to say I would see if I could get time off from work. I may see my parents briefly, depending on how exactly my plans fall out, but at the moment my plan is to fly out on Christmas Day and spend as much time as I can get off with my friends.
(I expect that this will bother my parents, especially my mom, and as they are both old I know I'm supposed to treasure every moment I can spend with them, but apparently I am a terrible human being. But you know, not only am I a woman, I am an old, ugly, fat woman, so I'm already something horrible. What's a little more icing on the cake?)
Last year my Christmas was terrible, and things my parents did made it so. I spent large amounts of time thinking "I wish I was visiting K and A right now", because they act like my well-being is important to them. Last Christmas my Mom was outraged that I didn't want her to call up Dad and bitch at him on Christmas Eve about how the bathroom toilet was making noise, so she got all pouty and she wouldn't respond to me and I freaked out thinking she was having a stroke and almost called 911 to summon help. I was mad then. I'm still mad.
Then when I visited Dad he spent large amounts of time complaining about Mom and some conflict they are having over money and the house and trying to draw me into the conflict on his side. I'm not interested in being a part of this. Neither of them has bothered to explain to me why their marriage fell apart or why they never bothered to get a real divorce, so I don't see why I need to be a part of their conflicts now.
It's irresponsible for me to want to have fun on a holiday, instead of being a good daughter. But I've been a good daughter for years now and all it's gotten me is stress, pain, and exhaustion. Both times Mom needed a place to stay because of house repairs I had to take her in. And when she had cancer I was the one who took her to doctors and fretted during her surgeries and sacrificed paid time off to take care of her. You would thing that would at least earn me adult behavior at Christmas, but no. Being responsible has no rewards.
And then there's my job, which has been a source of exhausting stress for a very long time now. The things that are causing me stress cannot be fixed because either the person who could fix them doesn't care to or because the issue has gone past the point of being fixable. I loathe being helpless, but there it is.
And I'm so alone. All of the things I have to deal with I have to deal with alone. I have no life partner, and since you recall I'm old, fat, and ugly that isn't ever going to change. (There is some mythical property called 'inner beauty' which is supposed to also be attractive, but I clearly lack it.) And I don't have any siblings to share my parent troubles with. Ok, technically I have a sister, but she spent junior high and high school making it clear that she was embarrassed to be associated with me and she wished I didn't exist. I haven't spoken to her in about 20 years, but since I still am fat, read too much, and have weird hobbies, I doubt her opinion has much reason to change. Going to visit friends and being able to pretend for just a little while that I'm not alone and that I have someone to watch my back would be so nice. So, so nice.