Getting the message out...
Wow, so I started my Livejournal when I was 17 years old, the summer before college, and haven't written in it since 2008. My life has changed immensely in the past few years. My life, my personality, etc. have done a 180. So many changes I don't even know where to begin to describe them. But that's not the real reason why I'm here...
The reason why I am writing after a 3 year hiatus (more like 4 or 5 since this journal was active) is to write about something that has been especially getting on my nerves lately, and to hopefully get my message out. Many people have questioned my relationship with Kenny and I figured I would address it all here.
Kenny and I have been together for almost a year. Our year anniversary is quickly approaching. That is kind of a unique feat for me. While this will be my 4th long-term relationship, the last long-term relationship I had was a big joke (we didn't say "I love you" until a YEAR into it, rarely spent a whole night together, never discussed our future together, etc.) and then it was followed by flings with guys I met at bars and relationships that only lasted a couple of months. I do get bored easy, and it's hard to believe that the same guy is still around a year later. I seemed to do better with the long-term relationship and commitment deal when I was younger, oddly enough. But anyway, through many ups and downs and times of argument and separation, Kenny and I are approaching that milestone.
Kenny and I have done our share of ranting about each other. Kenny can say the meanest, most insensitive, most pig headed comments I've ever heard. I don't think he has a filter...he just says whatever comes to mind, good or bad. In his defense, I take things too personally a lot of the time and I can be hard to live with, as I am down right moody sometimes. In another lifetime, I lived with another man (I was very young...21 or 22). Anyway, I think Rob and I have grown to respect each other over the years and have some sort of understanding, but I bet he would agree that I can be a crazy bitch. I bet if Rob and Kenny got together, they would be finishing each other sentences about me.
So when these moments come out on both sides, we both tend to do a lot of complaining. I am not sure what is like for his "support systems" but for the friends I have ranted to, they have in turn questioned the genuineness of our relationship. I have had to face many questions like, "Why are you still with Kenny?", "What do you see in him?", and "When will you break up?"
I have had many friends encourage me to be single. I have had several friends that even told me that they don't think Kenny loves me. How does anyone but Kenny know how he feels? I know my friends just want what's best for me, but I usually end up feeling offended. When I shared with some friends that Kenny and I were on a mini-vacation together, instead of a "Have fun!", many asked why would we even doing so "considering everything that's happened".
Though this might be asinine or petty to write, I feel the need to defend myself and the relationship. I don't think it's a secret that I've "been around" a couple of times. I've done it all...casual dating, long term dating, one night stands, flings, long distance relationships, friends with benefits, unknowingly someone's mistress a few years back, etc. After all that experience, doesn't anyone think I'm wise enough to judge the value of a relationship?
I've had guys sleep with me and never call me back. I've had guys cancel dates on me, then admit to me that they were on a date with another girl. I had a guy fail to tell me he was engaged for half of our involvement, then string me along, promising me that it was over and he would move out of their place asap. OK, YES- I PICK LOSERS FOR BOYFRIENDS. This isn't suppose to be a "Guys suck!" or a "Look how I've been hurt" rant. The point is, Kenny is the most genuine person I've ever met. He has never strung me along, though I hate to admit, I know I have done it to him at times in our relationship. He grabs my hand while he's driving, though I don't think I've ever reached out for his first. He gets sad when I run out of the apartment without giving him a quick kiss first...there are times when I will be heading out the door and he'll stop me to remind me. Kenny and I are both restless sleepers...I toss and turn like crazy and he has back problems. Pretty much every morning, like clock work, around 4 or 5 am, I will turn, half asleep and wake up Kenny partially. At that point, I will wiggle closer to him, and he stretches his arms out and pulls me in the rest of the way. We fall back asleep, cuddling, until we have to wake up for the day.
This morning was a perfect example. We ended up camping at Oneida Shores because Kenny had a fishing tournament at Oneida Lake this morning. We woke up all tangled together around 4:45 when his alarm went off. He got up and started to get ready for his fishing tournament and I tried for about 5 minutes to fall back asleep. It was in vain, so I sat up and watched from the flap of the tent as Kenny got ready and walked all his equipment to the lake. Since I was up, I decided to go to the boat launch to see Kenny and Tim take off. This was 5:45 in the morning, no one was there and I sort of stood in a corner, watching from the shadows. Kenny still managed to see me from his boat and gave me the biggest wave. He seemed so happy that I came down to see him off.
A year and a half ago, I would have just been stumbling into my dad's house at 5:45 am on a Saturday or Sunday morning after a night of partying, still reeking of booze and fucking some guy who didn't give two shits about me. It embarrasses me to think of how many times I tiptoed into my dad's house around 5 or 6 in the morning, after a night of drinking and guys. Don't get me wrong, the party girl isn't dead (I was out till 3am last weekend with friends) but the life I have created with Kenny is more satisfying than my previous one. Waking up in the arms of a man I DO love, watching him participate in a hobby that is his passion, then grabbing my iPod and walking the beach as the sun rises. Much more healthy and rewarding than a night at Charley's. I gotta say, Charley's has been my haunt for a couple of years now...and yes, I still do go sometimes, but no man has ever been able to get me out of that bar like Kenny has. When I was going there a couple of times a week: the people, the environment, the alcohol, the situations were all very unhealthy for me. I have finally found someone that has pulled me away from a lot of that drama!
Kenny drives me up a wall, but I do love him. He makes me laugh which is something that many guys haven't been able to do. Very few guys have asked me about my mother like he has. He wants to know stories about her and he actually listens because he'll bring up the stories in later conversations. In a way, it's like he has kept my mom alive for me. Something just feels right with him that I can't put into words...I've been tossed away and I've tossed many away in my time...but there is something about him that I can't throw away completely. I've tried many times to end it but I always change my mind. There's something about him that makes me want to work on the relationship.
I don't know where the future will lead. We may split, or we could get married and raise a family together. Regardless of the outcome, I do want my friends support. I am just afraid I have alienated many friends with this relationship. I wish it wasn't like this. So I hope this is your answer for some of you if you read this long enough...why I continue to try, why I do love him, and how it has continued to work. I'm just sick of the negatively surrounding Kenny and wish people would support me, good and bad. :-/
The reason why I am writing after a 3 year hiatus (more like 4 or 5 since this journal was active) is to write about something that has been especially getting on my nerves lately, and to hopefully get my message out. Many people have questioned my relationship with Kenny and I figured I would address it all here.
Kenny and I have been together for almost a year. Our year anniversary is quickly approaching. That is kind of a unique feat for me. While this will be my 4th long-term relationship, the last long-term relationship I had was a big joke (we didn't say "I love you" until a YEAR into it, rarely spent a whole night together, never discussed our future together, etc.) and then it was followed by flings with guys I met at bars and relationships that only lasted a couple of months. I do get bored easy, and it's hard to believe that the same guy is still around a year later. I seemed to do better with the long-term relationship and commitment deal when I was younger, oddly enough. But anyway, through many ups and downs and times of argument and separation, Kenny and I are approaching that milestone.
Kenny and I have done our share of ranting about each other. Kenny can say the meanest, most insensitive, most pig headed comments I've ever heard. I don't think he has a filter...he just says whatever comes to mind, good or bad. In his defense, I take things too personally a lot of the time and I can be hard to live with, as I am down right moody sometimes. In another lifetime, I lived with another man (I was very young...21 or 22). Anyway, I think Rob and I have grown to respect each other over the years and have some sort of understanding, but I bet he would agree that I can be a crazy bitch. I bet if Rob and Kenny got together, they would be finishing each other sentences about me.
So when these moments come out on both sides, we both tend to do a lot of complaining. I am not sure what is like for his "support systems" but for the friends I have ranted to, they have in turn questioned the genuineness of our relationship. I have had to face many questions like, "Why are you still with Kenny?", "What do you see in him?", and "When will you break up?"
I have had many friends encourage me to be single. I have had several friends that even told me that they don't think Kenny loves me. How does anyone but Kenny know how he feels? I know my friends just want what's best for me, but I usually end up feeling offended. When I shared with some friends that Kenny and I were on a mini-vacation together, instead of a "Have fun!", many asked why would we even doing so "considering everything that's happened".
Though this might be asinine or petty to write, I feel the need to defend myself and the relationship. I don't think it's a secret that I've "been around" a couple of times. I've done it all...casual dating, long term dating, one night stands, flings, long distance relationships, friends with benefits, unknowingly someone's mistress a few years back, etc. After all that experience, doesn't anyone think I'm wise enough to judge the value of a relationship?
I've had guys sleep with me and never call me back. I've had guys cancel dates on me, then admit to me that they were on a date with another girl. I had a guy fail to tell me he was engaged for half of our involvement, then string me along, promising me that it was over and he would move out of their place asap. OK, YES- I PICK LOSERS FOR BOYFRIENDS. This isn't suppose to be a "Guys suck!" or a "Look how I've been hurt" rant. The point is, Kenny is the most genuine person I've ever met. He has never strung me along, though I hate to admit, I know I have done it to him at times in our relationship. He grabs my hand while he's driving, though I don't think I've ever reached out for his first. He gets sad when I run out of the apartment without giving him a quick kiss first...there are times when I will be heading out the door and he'll stop me to remind me. Kenny and I are both restless sleepers...I toss and turn like crazy and he has back problems. Pretty much every morning, like clock work, around 4 or 5 am, I will turn, half asleep and wake up Kenny partially. At that point, I will wiggle closer to him, and he stretches his arms out and pulls me in the rest of the way. We fall back asleep, cuddling, until we have to wake up for the day.
This morning was a perfect example. We ended up camping at Oneida Shores because Kenny had a fishing tournament at Oneida Lake this morning. We woke up all tangled together around 4:45 when his alarm went off. He got up and started to get ready for his fishing tournament and I tried for about 5 minutes to fall back asleep. It was in vain, so I sat up and watched from the flap of the tent as Kenny got ready and walked all his equipment to the lake. Since I was up, I decided to go to the boat launch to see Kenny and Tim take off. This was 5:45 in the morning, no one was there and I sort of stood in a corner, watching from the shadows. Kenny still managed to see me from his boat and gave me the biggest wave. He seemed so happy that I came down to see him off.
A year and a half ago, I would have just been stumbling into my dad's house at 5:45 am on a Saturday or Sunday morning after a night of partying, still reeking of booze and fucking some guy who didn't give two shits about me. It embarrasses me to think of how many times I tiptoed into my dad's house around 5 or 6 in the morning, after a night of drinking and guys. Don't get me wrong, the party girl isn't dead (I was out till 3am last weekend with friends) but the life I have created with Kenny is more satisfying than my previous one. Waking up in the arms of a man I DO love, watching him participate in a hobby that is his passion, then grabbing my iPod and walking the beach as the sun rises. Much more healthy and rewarding than a night at Charley's. I gotta say, Charley's has been my haunt for a couple of years now...and yes, I still do go sometimes, but no man has ever been able to get me out of that bar like Kenny has. When I was going there a couple of times a week: the people, the environment, the alcohol, the situations were all very unhealthy for me. I have finally found someone that has pulled me away from a lot of that drama!
Kenny drives me up a wall, but I do love him. He makes me laugh which is something that many guys haven't been able to do. Very few guys have asked me about my mother like he has. He wants to know stories about her and he actually listens because he'll bring up the stories in later conversations. In a way, it's like he has kept my mom alive for me. Something just feels right with him that I can't put into words...I've been tossed away and I've tossed many away in my time...but there is something about him that I can't throw away completely. I've tried many times to end it but I always change my mind. There's something about him that makes me want to work on the relationship.
I don't know where the future will lead. We may split, or we could get married and raise a family together. Regardless of the outcome, I do want my friends support. I am just afraid I have alienated many friends with this relationship. I wish it wasn't like this. So I hope this is your answer for some of you if you read this long enough...why I continue to try, why I do love him, and how it has continued to work. I'm just sick of the negatively surrounding Kenny and wish people would support me, good and bad. :-/