The Ugly Day
Let me start off by saying, I am having an Ugly Day.
What does that mean?
It means that at some point in my day all of my self appraised deficiencies come to mind and I stand in the shower with the water so hot that it actually scalds my skin and all I want to do is make my skin split open so that I can see that I'm bleeding and therefore still human somewhere even if it's only in the flesh. I am a depressive person, I'm lucky I'm alive, I'm lucky I have a mom that cares and friends that care. And I am happy I am alive, as much as I don't feel it today because I've made my family proud and maybe, just maybe, that will make up for the shit that I have put people through in the past. My mom, my brother, my first boyfriend, my second girlfriend and any others that I have affected, INfected, along the way. Definitely Donny. Infection, disease, plague, famine... no death though, so far, so good. I tear apart my world and make everything dramatic and unrealistic but at the same time I realize that it seems to sink deeper under my skin. Myabe that's what I try, USED to try, to cut out. That voice in the back of my mind that holds all the taunts and fears and psychotic thoughts and bottles them, saves them, for that special day: THe Ugly Day.
What does that mean?
It means that at some point in my day all of my self appraised deficiencies come to mind and I stand in the shower with the water so hot that it actually scalds my skin and all I want to do is make my skin split open so that I can see that I'm bleeding and therefore still human somewhere even if it's only in the flesh. I am a depressive person, I'm lucky I'm alive, I'm lucky I have a mom that cares and friends that care. And I am happy I am alive, as much as I don't feel it today because I've made my family proud and maybe, just maybe, that will make up for the shit that I have put people through in the past. My mom, my brother, my first boyfriend, my second girlfriend and any others that I have affected, INfected, along the way. Definitely Donny. Infection, disease, plague, famine... no death though, so far, so good. I tear apart my world and make everything dramatic and unrealistic but at the same time I realize that it seems to sink deeper under my skin. Myabe that's what I try, USED to try, to cut out. That voice in the back of my mind that holds all the taunts and fears and psychotic thoughts and bottles them, saves them, for that special day: THe Ugly Day.