(no subject)
Well then. Typetypetypetype, as Jase would say.
I've always been very emphatic about the subject of wearing masks. I don't like people who are one thing to my face, and another behind my back. I demand the simple courtesy of being told what they think of me, to my face. For the most part, I'm given this. For the most part, I give this.
For the most part.
I can't brag and say I hide my emotions well. I don't. What you see is usually what you get. But - I can claim to keeping my emotions to myself. Yes, I bitch and moan, and feel apathetic almost all the time; but nonetheless, I'm perfectly capable of not giving into the urges to yell and scream and slap you in the face until you take notice of how I feel.
I figure this is somewhat like wearing a mask. I still keep things hidden, after all.
We'll start with Karl, who I work with. Repeatedly I've had the desire to scream at him. Not just scream, but scream at him. With much vulgar language.
Not solely for the reason of making him wake the fuck up and do his job, but for the purpose of making him feel like shit. For the purpose of tearing him down until he's in tears.
Why ? Because maybe then I wouldn't have to watch him constantly and make sure he's doing his job, even when I'm half asleep and having to do my own job as well. I assume he feels bad when he screws up - it certainly looks like he does - but it isn't enough. I'm not a patient teacher. I can't stand having to babysit someone else.
I don't want him fired, mind you. Only ever wanted one person fired in my life. I just need to be able to rely on him to do his job, and I can't.
Character flaw number one, ne ? I'm cruel. Even if it's only in my own mind, I'm just as cruel as anyone else.
And now, my lovely sister.
I talked to James, and she's telling him she owes me less than 600. Le gasp, she has another 165 before she even starts paying back what I loaned her for her trip.
Repeatedly, I've had the urge to smack her. To scream and shove it down her throat that she's just like our mother - she doesn't understand what she's doing is wrong. She doesn't care that because I went out of my way and helped her, I've missed out on what I wanted to do. I'm missing out on finishing NCEA level 1 because she has no intention of giving me back everything I gave her - only of taking more - and I can't save because I'm paying most of the bills.
And yet, I can't do anything. Because she's my sister.
Character flaw number two - I'm selfish. I'm pissed because what she's doing is stopping me doing what I want to do. I'm pissed I can't save, even though to do so would punish Dad, despite everything he's done for us. It doesn't matter she fucked Dad over even more than I, I'm pissed about my losses. But more than anything, I'm pissed because she won't pay me back, so I can't prove my own uncertainties wrong.
Then ! Well, onto my friends, hum ?
Friend number one : Long distance relationship. Boyfriend rarely around. Sounds familiar, no ? So, nothing I say in following should be taken as malicious - I think no less of her for what she's done, nor will I ever. I would be close to a hypocrite if I did. I understand, despite all.
But that doesn't change the fact that she's done things I don't agree with - she's had this boyfriend, with him thinking they're still together, with him worrying terribly because he never sees her, and she's been too interested in other guys to notice. He's there, yes, but he might as well be on the backburner. A backup. Because there's always some other crush she's got on her eye on - even when she notices what she's doing, and makes sure she eliminates the possibility of cheating.
Like I said, I'm not malicious in these comments. But who can I talk to about my frustration of how much it would hurt her boyfriend to find this out ? He's always been nothing but nice to me - even the other night, he sat there and let me vent about everything until I calmed down without even raising a brow. He is a nice guy. He thinks they're still together, as he has thought all along, even when she's said she's sure he knows otherwise.
Character flaw number three : Taking note of issues that don't concern me. I accept her as I always have, and as she always has accepted me. But I disapprove, and I make sure noone ever knows how much so, nor how much I can relate. It just wouldn't be nice.
Friend number two : In a long distance relationship, once more. Very possessive boyfriend; very clingy, lavishes her with attention, with gifts, with love. Doesn't understand the concept of a break, nor of her not caring for him in that way.
But that's just my opinion, y'see ? Constantly, the second her ex is back in the picture, she "loves him, but not in that way." But she can't tell him because "he always cries, and I don't want to hurt him." And then, a few days later "I really do love him, y'know ?" It's an endless fucking loop, and she's in it with a guy exactly like Rob. "Do you want to be with him ?" "No." "Then break up with him." "I can't." Constantly. Over and fucking over again. And every time it happens, I resist the urge to tell her what I think of her and her relationship, because it's just that one aspect I hate, and she won't understand that. Who would ?
If someone came up to you and told you they thought you were spineless and selfish, would you comprehend they still liked you as a friend, just didn't like the relationship you were in ?
I had a boyfriend once who lavished me with gifts and attention, and always told me he loved me. The latter made him just like every other guy. It was generic. But, he wanted to make me happy, and I wanted to make him happy ... because he was my best friend, and I wanted my ex. So he made me the centre of his universe, and I pretended I liked the things we did. On some level, mind you, of course I did. To start with. Then ... just because I felt guilty, and I didn't want to hurt him by letting him know.
Character flaw number 4 : I've never been in a real relationship, so I can't 'understand'. Because of this, noone listens to me. Noone thinks I know jack shit about how a relationship would work. Because of this, I can never bitchslap this friend and tell her to grow a fucking backbone and get rid of this piece of shit. Why ? She'd just go straight back to him, because he would want it, and she can't say no. Because he gives her everything she wants.
Yeh - sweet, nice little Dahky can keep her violent urges hidden just as well as the next person. You can tell this, because not a single one of you has experienced the feeling of my boot up your ass.
And yeh, sweet and nice little Dahky is neither sweet or nice.
Oh, but what about the things I do that others might disagree with ?
Well, I know for one, that a few of you would be displeased with the fact I still talk to Fred, and I still fuckin enjoy it. I miss rping with Ez, and I miss rping with Adrian. I have no feelings for either, but I still so miss the fun I used to have.
I know that some of you hate that it's obvious something is wrong, but when you ask, I just say "nothing". But if you don't ask, I accuse you of not caring. It's lose - lose, and I know this. But none of you ever want to open up when I ask, so why the fuck should I ?
I know Jordan is damn near disgusted by the fact I would quite happily have a nice, raunchy rut with someone - after all, if I'd do it with someone I was actually attracted to, why wouldn't I do it with everyone else ?
But what's really sad, is that none of you disapprove of me keeping what's really bothering me a secret. None of you have told me to go and tell this person they're making me feel like shit, because hey - I know it, and telling them won't change anything. We are who we are. We either get along, or we don't. Not the first time, not the last. Hell, it's not even just him doing it.
It doesn't really matter though, does it.
I'll continue to wear my own masks, and ever so slowly, I'll continue to stop really caring. I've done it with a lot of other issues of late, so this is no different.
Makes you wonder which is worse, doesn't it ? The masks we wear to protect others, or the ones we wear to protect ourselves.