thought dump
i had a realization today as i was listening to some old music on my computer that i hadn't heard in a long time. i know why i hate being in college so much. it's not that i have homework. it's not that i want to be working full-time. it's not the hassle of class work. it's not the constant draining of money into books and supplies. it's not as mundane as that. i discovered that i hate school because certain places and people remind me things that i don't want to associate with or even care to remember. There are certain places on campus that i don't mind so much, such as the Patriot Center since it has no association with those memories and people. I want to be rid of all the hatred and anger and sadness that some of the past years had brought me, whether they were mistakes i made on my own or someone else had a hand in them. either way, i don't want them anymore. i don't want the people or memories that keep me up at night or make me want to destroy something with nothing more than my teeth and a hammer. i don't want the memories that make me want to cry or scream out no matter the time of night. the memories and people that make me want to have yet another cigarette at 3am. i don't want to deal with those kinds of shenanigans anymore and i don't want to associate with it. those memories and people boil my blood and make me scared to a point where it has hindered my entire college experience and i want no more of that.
i believe this is why i've been itching to get out of school the way that i have. it doesn't really have much to do with the school so much as what my mind is attaching to the school. i can't wait to be away from what scares me and what makes me so angry. it surprises me that it's taken me years to reach this conclusion, but it also doesn't surprise me that it would take throwback songs and old photos to reach that conclusion.
the photos, that's a whole new thing...i debate whether or not to throw those away. i want to keep them because they remind me of the good times that i did have, or of the other people and events that were captured, or that the photos themselves are just beautifully shot and done. i can't decide if i should burn or delete them forever. i probably should when i graduate so that i can cut the cord in one full swoop.
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i got an email from my dad today. it followed the health related issues that he had been having the past few weeks. in case you guys didn't know he had deep vein thrombosis, which is basically a hugeass mothafuckin blood clot in his leg. the longest part was 10cm long and it went through his entire thiugh. when talking to him on the phone a few times he definitely sounded like he was trying to reassure me that he was doing better. i know he is. the moyers are known to be stubborn and/or hearty. it makes us kinda hard to kill off without one hell of a fight.
upon reading the email, it becomes very clear how serious his condition was and how close i was to having to jet back to korea to take care of him or to see a dying father. it was serious and it almost went untreated if he hadn't fallen (yeah fallen, he was leaning on my mother to walk and had to get dressed laying down because standing hurt him so badly) into the base ER. it was a scary email to read especially since i had studied some health when i was starting with nursing. after reading the email i freaked out and i couldnt believe that it had been that serious. it just confirmed my fears. when i was talking on the phone with him he was downplaying it. whatever information i got and would freak out about, the rest of the family would be chill about. at least thats my perception. maybe the moyers are just also infamous for keeping out shit inside and being strong that i just cant live up to that standard for my family. thank god because i think i would implode.
this whole thing with my dad was also one of my worst fears of all time. that, while im a world away from my parents, one of my parents would become really sick and/or die while im here. that honestly freaks me out. i cant be there to help them. i cant be there to ease their load. i cant be there to check up on them when they need to. i cant be there to help with their nutrition or their morale. im helpless over here until i get an email or phone call. it scares the living shit out of me. i hate being so helpless, especially when it comes to my family.
this whole thing also makes me realize that im forever going to be stuck in that position. half of my family is in the united states and the other half is in korea. theres always going to be someone a world away that i cant help or be nearby for. my fear is going to be lifelong unless i figure out how to deal with that fact.
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my mind is racing, my insomnia is still in, and now after typing this, i need to take out my contacts. ive been crying while typing this entry and my contacts are dry. my shirt is also all blotted with tears and snot from wiping my nose. i also need a cigarette to calm my mind down a bit. im mentally exhausted from getting my thoughts down and from actually trusting myself and my friends with my own thoughts. i usually keep this shit to myself, but i had to. no one is awake at this hour that i can call. at least i've got a chance to cry it out a bit and let myself let a little looser from it.
i believe this is why i've been itching to get out of school the way that i have. it doesn't really have much to do with the school so much as what my mind is attaching to the school. i can't wait to be away from what scares me and what makes me so angry. it surprises me that it's taken me years to reach this conclusion, but it also doesn't surprise me that it would take throwback songs and old photos to reach that conclusion.
the photos, that's a whole new thing...i debate whether or not to throw those away. i want to keep them because they remind me of the good times that i did have, or of the other people and events that were captured, or that the photos themselves are just beautifully shot and done. i can't decide if i should burn or delete them forever. i probably should when i graduate so that i can cut the cord in one full swoop.
**************************************************************
i got an email from my dad today. it followed the health related issues that he had been having the past few weeks. in case you guys didn't know he had deep vein thrombosis, which is basically a hugeass mothafuckin blood clot in his leg. the longest part was 10cm long and it went through his entire thiugh. when talking to him on the phone a few times he definitely sounded like he was trying to reassure me that he was doing better. i know he is. the moyers are known to be stubborn and/or hearty. it makes us kinda hard to kill off without one hell of a fight.
upon reading the email, it becomes very clear how serious his condition was and how close i was to having to jet back to korea to take care of him or to see a dying father. it was serious and it almost went untreated if he hadn't fallen (yeah fallen, he was leaning on my mother to walk and had to get dressed laying down because standing hurt him so badly) into the base ER. it was a scary email to read especially since i had studied some health when i was starting with nursing. after reading the email i freaked out and i couldnt believe that it had been that serious. it just confirmed my fears. when i was talking on the phone with him he was downplaying it. whatever information i got and would freak out about, the rest of the family would be chill about. at least thats my perception. maybe the moyers are just also infamous for keeping out shit inside and being strong that i just cant live up to that standard for my family. thank god because i think i would implode.
this whole thing with my dad was also one of my worst fears of all time. that, while im a world away from my parents, one of my parents would become really sick and/or die while im here. that honestly freaks me out. i cant be there to help them. i cant be there to ease their load. i cant be there to check up on them when they need to. i cant be there to help with their nutrition or their morale. im helpless over here until i get an email or phone call. it scares the living shit out of me. i hate being so helpless, especially when it comes to my family.
this whole thing also makes me realize that im forever going to be stuck in that position. half of my family is in the united states and the other half is in korea. theres always going to be someone a world away that i cant help or be nearby for. my fear is going to be lifelong unless i figure out how to deal with that fact.
************************************************************
my mind is racing, my insomnia is still in, and now after typing this, i need to take out my contacts. ive been crying while typing this entry and my contacts are dry. my shirt is also all blotted with tears and snot from wiping my nose. i also need a cigarette to calm my mind down a bit. im mentally exhausted from getting my thoughts down and from actually trusting myself and my friends with my own thoughts. i usually keep this shit to myself, but i had to. no one is awake at this hour that i can call. at least i've got a chance to cry it out a bit and let myself let a little looser from it.