Mindfuck
I really don't have the constitution for the online dating thing.
Coffee dates. Ugh, coffee dates. Who ever decided that the mode of starting a relationship ought to start with an interview, surrounded by caffeine?
"I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays. You can't go anywhere without meeting clever people. The thing has become an absolute public nuisance."
I cannot imagine a worse way to find a partner. Exchange carefully constructed quips and banter, just to stand out from the crowd, setting up this ridiculous expectation that this woman is going to be meeting some suave comedic genius. Maybe Oscar Wilde could bat 1.000 on a first date, but I haven't. Social anxiety meet performance anxiety; date meet human. Ask questions, draw them out, hope to hell that they'll meet you halfway in sharing the burden of a conversation dragged kicking and screaming across 2 hours of eternity. Extra foam.
I'm at the point where I don't want to date. I dread the idea of drinks; I am cynical and uninterested, but by unexplored disorder I go anyway ("maybe this one will be special"), and by demonic alchemy this feeling transforms into to an actual fear of rejection. They messaged me. I didn't want to. Despite this, now it's my turn for insecurity, knowing that I'm being judged, and I'm being judged against a dozen other suitors A DAY, all currently setting up their own Don Juan expectations online for me to measure up against.
I don't understand myself.
The worst part is that after this dance, when I'm forced to care about the opinion of a stranger, just after they've seen me bring my D-game, is that many (half) of these women -- who seem nice -- will flat out lie to my face.
"Want to do this again?"
"Sure"
"Truly? I won't be offended by your answer."
"Yeah."
They will never speak to me again. (This happened.*)**
I've read the arguments that any guy who complains about this has too much sense of entitlement. I get the sort of numbers they're up against with contacts. I get that they want to avoid a scene or unpleasantness. It's just that I can't avoid thinking that this is the treatment given -- deservedly so -- to the creepy asshole on the bus who won't go away. That stings.
The only thing I can think of that stings more? Having to confront the person so to avoid the next week of sitting-by-the-phone, depressive rumination that -- from now on -- I shall call "Rejection in Escrow."
Abandonment/rejection issues suck.
I need to figure out some communities I can join. Volunteer or something. The majority of my relationships start from meeting someone in an established group setting, but work and school aren't enabling that these days.
*First bad sign of no second date? She invites you out with, "I don't know if I should be thanking you . . . or (politely) demanding you buy me a drink," ...drinks only water when you meet.
**I also had a really great 2nd date with a woman, right before my date went to Chicago for a week. Actually tried to meet up the next day, but it didn't work out (I begged off because I was tired and had traffic court in the morning. Mistake, I guess). Talked to her by phone while she was in Chicago. When she got back, I tried setting a date up. Completely ignored. I hate the feeling that it's something I'm doing wrong, but having no idea what or how to fix it.
Coffee dates. Ugh, coffee dates. Who ever decided that the mode of starting a relationship ought to start with an interview, surrounded by caffeine?
"I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays. You can't go anywhere without meeting clever people. The thing has become an absolute public nuisance."
I cannot imagine a worse way to find a partner. Exchange carefully constructed quips and banter, just to stand out from the crowd, setting up this ridiculous expectation that this woman is going to be meeting some suave comedic genius. Maybe Oscar Wilde could bat 1.000 on a first date, but I haven't. Social anxiety meet performance anxiety; date meet human. Ask questions, draw them out, hope to hell that they'll meet you halfway in sharing the burden of a conversation dragged kicking and screaming across 2 hours of eternity. Extra foam.
I'm at the point where I don't want to date. I dread the idea of drinks; I am cynical and uninterested, but by unexplored disorder I go anyway ("maybe this one will be special"), and by demonic alchemy this feeling transforms into to an actual fear of rejection. They messaged me. I didn't want to. Despite this, now it's my turn for insecurity, knowing that I'm being judged, and I'm being judged against a dozen other suitors A DAY, all currently setting up their own Don Juan expectations online for me to measure up against.
I don't understand myself.
The worst part is that after this dance, when I'm forced to care about the opinion of a stranger, just after they've seen me bring my D-game, is that many (half) of these women -- who seem nice -- will flat out lie to my face.
"Want to do this again?"
"Sure"
"Truly? I won't be offended by your answer."
"Yeah."
They will never speak to me again. (This happened.*)**
I've read the arguments that any guy who complains about this has too much sense of entitlement. I get the sort of numbers they're up against with contacts. I get that they want to avoid a scene or unpleasantness. It's just that I can't avoid thinking that this is the treatment given -- deservedly so -- to the creepy asshole on the bus who won't go away. That stings.
The only thing I can think of that stings more? Having to confront the person so to avoid the next week of sitting-by-the-phone, depressive rumination that -- from now on -- I shall call "Rejection in Escrow."
Abandonment/rejection issues suck.
I need to figure out some communities I can join. Volunteer or something. The majority of my relationships start from meeting someone in an established group setting, but work and school aren't enabling that these days.
*First bad sign of no second date? She invites you out with, "I don't know if I should be thanking you . . . or (politely) demanding you buy me a drink," ...drinks only water when you meet.
**I also had a really great 2nd date with a woman, right before my date went to Chicago for a week. Actually tried to meet up the next day, but it didn't work out (I begged off because I was tired and had traffic court in the morning. Mistake, I guess). Talked to her by phone while she was in Chicago. When she got back, I tried setting a date up. Completely ignored. I hate the feeling that it's something I'm doing wrong, but having no idea what or how to fix it.