Couples Therapy
As I settle into an easy quiet on the homefront, my world around me seems to crumble. I wasn't quite sure how I was feeling about everything, and then I turned 31 last week and I shut myself in, cancelled all plans, got pretty rip-roaring drunk, ugly cried for about two hours and went to sleep at 7pm. Doing that opened me up to enough clarity where I can start to kind of move between my parade of selves again.
I don't know where to start. First the thing I can't change right now, I suppose. My boss is certifiably crazy. Sometimes I think menopause must be setting in because I am usually pretty skillful at handling mood swings, but lately they are so off the wall and out of the blue that there is absolutely no warning. We have been going through several weeks of "pet-stroke-I love you-How could you allow this to happen?-you are so incompetent-but you're my favorite-I love you-I FUCKING HATE YOU-looooove you-have a great weekend". It's annoying to say the least. If we weren't friendly outside the office, I think I would start to take things very personally.
My brother was arrested for stalking and then he was evicted. Now his exgirlfriend is suing him so that she is not responsible for the length of their lease, he is countersuing. He moved home with my parents. My parents think I am best friends with the girl when I haven't spoken to her in over six months and then it was only because she showed up on my doorstep and I ended up kicking her out. The story is so fucking wild, I am surprised that they all haven't been featured on Cops by now. It is like the most white trashy bullshit that has ever happened in my life. Somehow I get blamed for it all when all I have done is try to be supportive and stay out of it. Sometimes it really truly blows my mind to see how far I have come from that ramshackle townhouse in Bricktucky. Thank God Prince Peter rescued me from that abyss and put me on a better path. I hate to be all snobby about it and I know it is still my family and that's all you get and blah blah blah but Jesus Christ, it has all gotten so cliche. I feel a deep sense of shame for this place from which I came. Yet I am irrevocably tied to it and drawn back just wanting my mother to love me.
My best friends Julie and Glenda have split up. The problem is they just moved to Brooklyn together and are stuck in a lease that neither one of them wants to give up. Now Pete and I love them both and we really struggle to stay neutral, but the whole situation is getting very war of the roses. Now we get phone calls and text messages in the middle of the night complaining of this complete overabundance of dyke drama. Let me tell you dyke drama from where I stand is the craziest of batshit drama there is. I am waiting for the phone call to find that they have thrown each other off a rooftop because someone ate the last chicken wing and the symbolism that accompanies all of that.
My parents always said to me, if you don't like somebody or they don't like you just stay away from them. Granted this has been magnified by me to just try to stay away from EVERYbody, but it is sound advice. I don't understand a last man standing mentality to break ups. Then again peter and I are together for nine years next month. So perhaps I am insensitive. In the past year I have seen all of my friends in relationships implode/explode/combination of both with the exception of one. Surprisingly I have found a number of my friends to lash out against my relationship saying that it is routine and that I should not have settled. Single life is fucking fantastic! Freedom. Whee.
In response to that I just want to say that Peter and I took a long time to settle into monogamy. Yes at times it can be routine. I can admit that, however, we are constantly doing and trying new things, travelling, trying new restaurants, new recipes, different cultures. We have continued to grow as individuals and meet a wide variance of people who have only enriched our individual lives. We pursue our outside interests even if they are passing fancies. And all of this, all of it gets put into the pot and stirred and keeps things fresh and exciting. I know that the married couple is a dying breed. I also think the state of the free spirited single person who can do anything they want and not have any consequences is getting to be a bit of a cliche. This is not to say that I am bashing free spirited single people because what works for one is not for everyone. For me I am saying, living in this unit, this collective, is both rewarding and exciting. I look forward to seeing what Peter will look like in twenty, even fifty years.
I am certainly not Captain Moral here. I am not preaching the miracle of monogamy by any stretch of the imagination. I also don't think I should be made to feel bad about my choices because that scenario didn't work out for someone else. Can the bitter and beaten be friends with the survivors? Are these damaged souls destined to create new rules to love by in order to heal themselves therein alienating themselves from the lucky few who ride out the storms? Are those who have loved and lost entitled? Or is it just another screwy American ideal?
I don't know where to start. First the thing I can't change right now, I suppose. My boss is certifiably crazy. Sometimes I think menopause must be setting in because I am usually pretty skillful at handling mood swings, but lately they are so off the wall and out of the blue that there is absolutely no warning. We have been going through several weeks of "pet-stroke-I love you-How could you allow this to happen?-you are so incompetent-but you're my favorite-I love you-I FUCKING HATE YOU-looooove you-have a great weekend". It's annoying to say the least. If we weren't friendly outside the office, I think I would start to take things very personally.
My brother was arrested for stalking and then he was evicted. Now his exgirlfriend is suing him so that she is not responsible for the length of their lease, he is countersuing. He moved home with my parents. My parents think I am best friends with the girl when I haven't spoken to her in over six months and then it was only because she showed up on my doorstep and I ended up kicking her out. The story is so fucking wild, I am surprised that they all haven't been featured on Cops by now. It is like the most white trashy bullshit that has ever happened in my life. Somehow I get blamed for it all when all I have done is try to be supportive and stay out of it. Sometimes it really truly blows my mind to see how far I have come from that ramshackle townhouse in Bricktucky. Thank God Prince Peter rescued me from that abyss and put me on a better path. I hate to be all snobby about it and I know it is still my family and that's all you get and blah blah blah but Jesus Christ, it has all gotten so cliche. I feel a deep sense of shame for this place from which I came. Yet I am irrevocably tied to it and drawn back just wanting my mother to love me.
My best friends Julie and Glenda have split up. The problem is they just moved to Brooklyn together and are stuck in a lease that neither one of them wants to give up. Now Pete and I love them both and we really struggle to stay neutral, but the whole situation is getting very war of the roses. Now we get phone calls and text messages in the middle of the night complaining of this complete overabundance of dyke drama. Let me tell you dyke drama from where I stand is the craziest of batshit drama there is. I am waiting for the phone call to find that they have thrown each other off a rooftop because someone ate the last chicken wing and the symbolism that accompanies all of that.
My parents always said to me, if you don't like somebody or they don't like you just stay away from them. Granted this has been magnified by me to just try to stay away from EVERYbody, but it is sound advice. I don't understand a last man standing mentality to break ups. Then again peter and I are together for nine years next month. So perhaps I am insensitive. In the past year I have seen all of my friends in relationships implode/explode/combination of both with the exception of one. Surprisingly I have found a number of my friends to lash out against my relationship saying that it is routine and that I should not have settled. Single life is fucking fantastic! Freedom. Whee.
In response to that I just want to say that Peter and I took a long time to settle into monogamy. Yes at times it can be routine. I can admit that, however, we are constantly doing and trying new things, travelling, trying new restaurants, new recipes, different cultures. We have continued to grow as individuals and meet a wide variance of people who have only enriched our individual lives. We pursue our outside interests even if they are passing fancies. And all of this, all of it gets put into the pot and stirred and keeps things fresh and exciting. I know that the married couple is a dying breed. I also think the state of the free spirited single person who can do anything they want and not have any consequences is getting to be a bit of a cliche. This is not to say that I am bashing free spirited single people because what works for one is not for everyone. For me I am saying, living in this unit, this collective, is both rewarding and exciting. I look forward to seeing what Peter will look like in twenty, even fifty years.
I am certainly not Captain Moral here. I am not preaching the miracle of monogamy by any stretch of the imagination. I also don't think I should be made to feel bad about my choices because that scenario didn't work out for someone else. Can the bitter and beaten be friends with the survivors? Are these damaged souls destined to create new rules to love by in order to heal themselves therein alienating themselves from the lucky few who ride out the storms? Are those who have loved and lost entitled? Or is it just another screwy American ideal?