Brick
I am totally freaking out inside today. I feel this overwhelming disappointment that just sags all over me like the layer of fat I accumulated since becoming an alcoholic and drug addict. Why didn't I get hooked on meth or something? I might be really fucked in the head but at least I would look great physically.
But that's just it. As part of my recovery, I have to learn to love myself, fat, setbacks, and all. It seems so weird to think that I wouldn't love myself. I have always had an ego problem. I suppose that is starting to deconstruct itself to.
It's hard for me to gather my thoughts because everytime I try to meditate and get in deep with myself, this little voice pops in to remind me that I am not drinking tonight. I am not smoking tonight. I will pretty much not do anything tonight but list the reasons why I am not going to drink this night or any other night. It all becomes so overwhelming. The only thing that really keeps me going in the process is keeping myself busy. That sucks because with most things in my life I am used to be reflective and thoughtful and appreciative. I am not at a stage yet where I can take this all as a blessing. I don't see how me being an alcoholic can offer the world anything. It's just very frustrating.
I am starting to understand that alcoholism has basically stunted my growth. I am coming to the conclusion that everything I liked before I started drinking, I am not so much into anymore. I don't really know what I like right now. That is frustrating. Everything just seems like brick walls to me because I keep discovering that something or someone I thought I liked, I am just not that into anymore. Then there's the things that I think I like or the people in my life that I miss and want to call but I feel like I alienated them in some way and my ego won't allow me to ask for them to be a part of my life again. Then there are the people that I have met recently that seem like nice enough people and I would invite them over for a dinner party or something, but I stress over things like serving wine. I stress that they will want to go to one of the myriad bars in new brunswick and hang out. I fear opening up to people because the wounds will bleed out and I will have to cover all of that hurt with something (vodka generally does the trick).
Everything about this just sucks. I am an intelligent person. Why? Really WHY did this happen to me? And now I am just stuck. And I don't mean to give the impression that I sit around whining about it because I don't fancy myslef as such a complainer. I have always been of the "get over it" generation. Right now this just consumes the blog because I have to get all of this angst out in order to do this life thing.
But that's just it. As part of my recovery, I have to learn to love myself, fat, setbacks, and all. It seems so weird to think that I wouldn't love myself. I have always had an ego problem. I suppose that is starting to deconstruct itself to.
It's hard for me to gather my thoughts because everytime I try to meditate and get in deep with myself, this little voice pops in to remind me that I am not drinking tonight. I am not smoking tonight. I will pretty much not do anything tonight but list the reasons why I am not going to drink this night or any other night. It all becomes so overwhelming. The only thing that really keeps me going in the process is keeping myself busy. That sucks because with most things in my life I am used to be reflective and thoughtful and appreciative. I am not at a stage yet where I can take this all as a blessing. I don't see how me being an alcoholic can offer the world anything. It's just very frustrating.
I am starting to understand that alcoholism has basically stunted my growth. I am coming to the conclusion that everything I liked before I started drinking, I am not so much into anymore. I don't really know what I like right now. That is frustrating. Everything just seems like brick walls to me because I keep discovering that something or someone I thought I liked, I am just not that into anymore. Then there's the things that I think I like or the people in my life that I miss and want to call but I feel like I alienated them in some way and my ego won't allow me to ask for them to be a part of my life again. Then there are the people that I have met recently that seem like nice enough people and I would invite them over for a dinner party or something, but I stress over things like serving wine. I stress that they will want to go to one of the myriad bars in new brunswick and hang out. I fear opening up to people because the wounds will bleed out and I will have to cover all of that hurt with something (vodka generally does the trick).
Everything about this just sucks. I am an intelligent person. Why? Really WHY did this happen to me? And now I am just stuck. And I don't mean to give the impression that I sit around whining about it because I don't fancy myslef as such a complainer. I have always been of the "get over it" generation. Right now this just consumes the blog because I have to get all of this angst out in order to do this life thing.