And so I begin.

Jun 23, 2006 11:33

Today I am not going to whine about being depressed. What I am going to say is that I am starting to feel better. Opening this door and telling my friends and family that I am not alright has been the first step. I have not made it to a point where I have even really considered professional help or Paxil simply because I have been depressed and done that in the past and yes, a mental health tune-up is okay now and again, but this time I think I am onto something for myself.

I have truly found something completely inspiring about myself in the past two weeks. I can do it myself. My whole life I have been needy, codependant. I am starting to realize that without other people around, I'm good. I know this must seem so simplistic to most people out there, but for me it's always been a reality that I paid no attention to because I was getting along just fine. At the same time, I was losing my own identity out of fear and rejection, and I find that I was completely retreating further into myself. I look at the evolution of my journals and it becomes even more evident the way my journal became less and less about me and what I was feeling and going through and more about the people around me and how they affected my life. It's not fair to me to shut myself out, and it isn't fair to the people around me to put them on pedestals and expect them to enrich my life. I can do that.

I always explained this away by saying I had nothing to report or everything with me was fine. In fact there was something up with me and has been something up with me for years and I just let the drops gather one at a time. This isn't to say I am okay by any means and although it is a goal, it's not a priority. My priority is to try and take center stage in my life again and try and make the pieces come together. I created a sea of identities out of fear and loneliness. I keep myself company. And hello, that's just incredibly fucked up. It's just not okay.

So I write. I am starting to do things that really interest me again whether by myself or with friends. I want to go to the gym. Lord knows I haven't been there in ages. And this is how it starts.
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