kathy.
Cleaning out some files on my computer today; found this. Probably the last poem I've written; I wrote it for my Human Development class way back in 2008. I like it a lot, and felt like the only appropriate place to put it was here.
I told my mom and my dad
right away
(Separately; divorced since I was 6)
Kathy was surprised
but it seemed natural to me
I mean I would have told them
if I had a boyfriend
(I never had
but wanted to)
Dad said “That’s okay”
Mom did too
but seemed angry about it
later
She apologized
But I am still not sure
what “okay” means.
It was summer in the city
The Red Sox were in the World Series
Most of our friends had gone home.
I remember going to see a mediocre movie
And she made me laugh afterwards
And although this is not a very good story
It felt so good
I wanted to tell it to everyone.
I grew up in a conservative town
In my school there was no
GSA
There was no
PFLAG
There was just drama
and marching band.
I went to Catholic church every Sunday
I had all the prayers memorized
and although I don’t believe in hell
and my mother no longer asks me to go
when I’m home
sometimes I still find myself defending
them
when Kathy gets angry about the Pope
because all that tradition
and community
was nice.
We started holding hands
during tense baseball games
I never liked baseball
but liked getting swept up in the excitement
I don’t think I immediately understood
but I found myself looking forward
& hoping for
her hand in mine again
It felt so warm, soft,
very real, and present.
When we told our friends
They laughed and said
they already knew.
Mike Pizzo
lived in a neighborhood
behind my house
I could walk there
through the woods.
I remember afternoons
when I was small
drinking lemonade
and playing Nintendo.
Later he sat in the aisle to my right
in Ecology class, junior year
I would talk to him and the other boys
around my desk
about music.
One day I brought up Queen
and Mike says
Freddie Mercury
deserved to die
because he was a fag
Years later this
is the only thing I remember about him.
I learned of a culture I never really knew
Stonewall, 1969
Harvey Milk, slain in San Francisco
Trannies; queers; gay pride parades
I marched to save the equality
Of gay marriage in Massachusetts
I saw grown Republican men weep
on the state capitol floor as they admitted
they could not vote against it
anymore.
I waited in that building on Beacon Hill
by shiny marble columns
as we waited for another positive vote
and when it came
everyone waved their signs
and then we sang
the Star Spangled Banner
and when we got to
“the home of the brave”
I cried
and cried.
People I grew up with are now
getting married
having kids
My mom silently longs
For grandchildren.
I long for the same things
sometimes
The white dress
Fancy cake
All the relatives and friends
I have ever known
Then a nice house
& kids
Packing their lunches
Cleaning their bruises
& I know we’ll have them someday
It’ll just be different
And I know
I am fine
with that
I just don’t want
to disappoint
Her.
Falling in love
was the best thing
that ever happened to me
Better than my favorite album
Better than my favorite book
Better than the trees
in the fall
in New England.
I remember the necklace she wore
that first year
The grey hat
The blue faded tshirt
We would lie in bed
for hours.
We pride ourselves as a liberal family
in a traditional place
Diamonds in the rough
Democrats in a red county
& I thought we were gay friendly because
My mom always liked Jack
from Will & Grace.
I started listening to feminist rock
I learned more about issues I was never told about
in Pennsylvania
In the blind boldness of
my new world, my new beliefs
I wore a pro-choice pin on my winter jacket
on a trip home
for Christmas.
I made a comment to my mom
about how it would offend people
in town
stupidly not realizing
until she told me, later
that who it offended
was her.
My friends from high school
view me as a lesbian now
but that word
just doesn’t sound like me
I am not in love with
a sexual orientation
I am in love with
Kathy
It is difficult to describe
When you are supposed to be
one thing or the other
When you are only supposed to love
one way.
We moved in together after college
Got a cat, then a kitten, then a dog
We traveled across state lines
& made a home in a brand new place.
The little trips we take
are the most fun
The spontaneous adventures
to no place special
that are always somehow
wonderful.
I told Kathy not to come
when my grandma died in the spring.
Alzheimer’s had been eating her away
for so long.
The plane tickets were too expensive for both of us
And I thought it would
stress my mom
to have that extra, gay visitor
when she was already at
her most stressed.
When I got home
Everyone was there
looking through old photographs
eating too much food
laughing, crying, happy, and sad.
It was heartbreaking
and perfect.
My cousins asked
why Kathy didn’t come
and the truth is
I still
don’t know.
I told my mom and my dad
right away
(Separately; divorced since I was 6)
Kathy was surprised
but it seemed natural to me
I mean I would have told them
if I had a boyfriend
(I never had
but wanted to)
Dad said “That’s okay”
Mom did too
but seemed angry about it
later
She apologized
But I am still not sure
what “okay” means.
It was summer in the city
The Red Sox were in the World Series
Most of our friends had gone home.
I remember going to see a mediocre movie
And she made me laugh afterwards
And although this is not a very good story
It felt so good
I wanted to tell it to everyone.
I grew up in a conservative town
In my school there was no
GSA
There was no
PFLAG
There was just drama
and marching band.
I went to Catholic church every Sunday
I had all the prayers memorized
and although I don’t believe in hell
and my mother no longer asks me to go
when I’m home
sometimes I still find myself defending
them
when Kathy gets angry about the Pope
because all that tradition
and community
was nice.
We started holding hands
during tense baseball games
I never liked baseball
but liked getting swept up in the excitement
I don’t think I immediately understood
but I found myself looking forward
& hoping for
her hand in mine again
It felt so warm, soft,
very real, and present.
When we told our friends
They laughed and said
they already knew.
Mike Pizzo
lived in a neighborhood
behind my house
I could walk there
through the woods.
I remember afternoons
when I was small
drinking lemonade
and playing Nintendo.
Later he sat in the aisle to my right
in Ecology class, junior year
I would talk to him and the other boys
around my desk
about music.
One day I brought up Queen
and Mike says
Freddie Mercury
deserved to die
because he was a fag
Years later this
is the only thing I remember about him.
I learned of a culture I never really knew
Stonewall, 1969
Harvey Milk, slain in San Francisco
Trannies; queers; gay pride parades
I marched to save the equality
Of gay marriage in Massachusetts
I saw grown Republican men weep
on the state capitol floor as they admitted
they could not vote against it
anymore.
I waited in that building on Beacon Hill
by shiny marble columns
as we waited for another positive vote
and when it came
everyone waved their signs
and then we sang
the Star Spangled Banner
and when we got to
“the home of the brave”
I cried
and cried.
People I grew up with are now
getting married
having kids
My mom silently longs
For grandchildren.
I long for the same things
sometimes
The white dress
Fancy cake
All the relatives and friends
I have ever known
Then a nice house
& kids
Packing their lunches
Cleaning their bruises
& I know we’ll have them someday
It’ll just be different
And I know
I am fine
with that
I just don’t want
to disappoint
Her.
Falling in love
was the best thing
that ever happened to me
Better than my favorite album
Better than my favorite book
Better than the trees
in the fall
in New England.
I remember the necklace she wore
that first year
The grey hat
The blue faded tshirt
We would lie in bed
for hours.
We pride ourselves as a liberal family
in a traditional place
Diamonds in the rough
Democrats in a red county
& I thought we were gay friendly because
My mom always liked Jack
from Will & Grace.
I started listening to feminist rock
I learned more about issues I was never told about
in Pennsylvania
In the blind boldness of
my new world, my new beliefs
I wore a pro-choice pin on my winter jacket
on a trip home
for Christmas.
I made a comment to my mom
about how it would offend people
in town
stupidly not realizing
until she told me, later
that who it offended
was her.
My friends from high school
view me as a lesbian now
but that word
just doesn’t sound like me
I am not in love with
a sexual orientation
I am in love with
Kathy
It is difficult to describe
When you are supposed to be
one thing or the other
When you are only supposed to love
one way.
We moved in together after college
Got a cat, then a kitten, then a dog
We traveled across state lines
& made a home in a brand new place.
The little trips we take
are the most fun
The spontaneous adventures
to no place special
that are always somehow
wonderful.
I told Kathy not to come
when my grandma died in the spring.
Alzheimer’s had been eating her away
for so long.
The plane tickets were too expensive for both of us
And I thought it would
stress my mom
to have that extra, gay visitor
when she was already at
her most stressed.
When I got home
Everyone was there
looking through old photographs
eating too much food
laughing, crying, happy, and sad.
It was heartbreaking
and perfect.
My cousins asked
why Kathy didn’t come
and the truth is
I still
don’t know.