[Let's (Re)Write] Maintaining: Chapters 1-5

[daffodil_brill]

Today’s entry is not going to be a “Let’s Read” -- I am going to hopefully get back to that tomorrow, time and energy permitting.

Instead, what I’m going to do today is hit the “Pause” button on this fic, take some time to look over the analysis we’ve done so far, take the constraints and rules I discussed in past chapters, and put them to use to

Comments

[Pt. 1/2]

[guardians_song]

Mm - my inclinations (though I do a laughable job of writing said inclinations properly) would be more towards making it a bit more ambiguous whether they're being manipulated - having it be clear that there's something subtly wrong from the start, but not outright stating that the person steering this show isn't the person who's supposed to be in control of this body.

So perhaps something more like this -

[Warning for triggering content]
"Hey - hey, Vegeta?"

Burying his flare of irritation - did he have to burn the letters into the air with ki to make it clear that he did not want to be disturbed? - Vegeta looked down at the monk, who was giving him a hesitant, nervous smile filled with pity - and it was all he could do not to smack that smile straight off his face. "You know - I don't know what's gotten into Bulma, but if you want to talk about it -"

"No."

"You sure?" The hesitant smile stretched, grew even more nervous. "All right, but if you ever want to, you can drop by, and we'd be happy to -"

"I don't need your charity," Vegeta snarled, and Krillin stared up at him in shock, recoiling as if he'd been struck -

And then something ugly shifted in the monk's face, but, before Vegeta could determine what it was, the shrimp took a few steps back, shaking his head, and looked up at Vegeta with narrowed eyes. "Well, that just does it, doesn't it? I offer you help, and all you can do is spit in my face?" Krillin let out a bitter, sneering laugh. "Well, no more wondering why Bulma pulled this, anyway. She obviously couldn't take any more of your shit. I've got to say, it's pretty clear why she even stayed with you in the first place." One corner of his mouth pulled up in a smirk, and he continued, "She only wanted you for your body, didn't she? And once a good fuck wasn't enough for her, she threw you aside like the garbage you were - Or maybe you just weren't a good enough fuck any more? Without your body, no one would ever put up with you-"

And sometime in the last few sentences, the face before him had blurred and shifted, and an entirely different face smirked up at him, speaking the words in that hellish, all-too-familiar scratchy voice he thought he'd never hear again -

That's right, you worthless little monkey whore, it crooned in his ear, ghostly fingers running through his hair and trailing down his torso to - Nobody would want you without your body, your lovely body, and the moment I tire of you, you'll follow the rest of your little monkey ra-

His own scream rang in his ears, and the power of the Super Saiyan flared through his veins; he hauled back and swung with all his might, determined to smash that smirking, alien face to splinters, into nothing more than shattered bone and pulverized, blood-oozing tissue, make him see once and for all who was the worthless one, the useless weakling, the disgusting, perverted whore -

"VEGETA!" Kakarotto screamed, and all of a sudden, there were those arms around him like titanium bands again, holding him back, holding him against another body, holding him restrained and submissive and helpless to do anything but spread his legs for a good, hard fnonononono- "VEGETA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

...Well, that's the general idea. ...Okay, as I said, I'm no good at subtlety, so it's pretty obvious there's something worse going on than OOC!Krillin being a vindictive creep, but it's not obvious that it's outright possession. And tying Vegeta's PTSD into it camouflages any other reason for his violent overreaction.

[Pt. 2/2]

[guardians_song]

Similarly, I'd blur Bulma's reactions like this:

“Bulma,” Goku asked, “what about Vegeta?”

"Vegeta?" Confusion wavered in her eyes for a moment, her smile faltering - and then she burst into disbelieving, callous laughter. "Goku, what do you care about what that idiot thinks?"

"I care because he's a friend, and this isn't like you, either. What's gotten into you, Bulma?"

"What's gotten into me-" Bulma looked at him with an incredulous, increasingly strained smile. "Goku, what's gotten into you? There's nothing wrong with me. I just - well, I got tired of him, relationships do fall apart, you know. And there was Yamcha, like a prince out of a fairy tale, patiently waiting for me to come to my senses, so that he could sweep me up into his arms -"

She sounded like she was less trying to convince him of it than she was trying to convince herself.

Well, I'm a bad writer and the master of beating the readers over the head with ~SUBTLE FORESHADOWING~ but I think that conveys the idea. I understand what you're saying about making it more clear she's being influenced, but if you make it too obvious, then the Kais just come off as the worst actors/puppeteers in history. ...Of course, I have all the subtlety of a brick, so take any comments I have along those lines with a jar of salt. Two, if you're feeling cynical today.

Very nice analysis (and great fight scene), and I'm looking forward to the rest! (Hope tomorrow goes well!)

Right, so

[daffodil_brill]

I'm having Internet problems right now, so I just want to say that those two things you just wrote were much, much better than what I came up with. I'll be honest, I am a little jealous--but that's a good thing. I'll do better next time.

Seriously. Well done.