Blah
Today is not the best. I needed a lot more sleep than I was able to get. One makes choices and one lives with the consequences. I was hoping to spend a lot of this week getting more sleep. But since I haven't gotten anything done for the past month, I will be spending it atoning for procrastinating. Woo!
I still need to get my apartment packed up. I need to memorize my presentation for Thursday (yikes.) I need to get a lot of stuff done at work. And, I really need to find a gift for my sister.
I am not sure if it is the change in the weather, the short sleep or that I slept badly (or some combination thereof) but I feel like the world is tilting. I am aware that the desk surface is more or less horizontal and that I am sitting up with my torso perpendicular to it. However, I feel like I am reclining and the desk is shifting with me. I am at 45° to reality.
I love my cat and she was a trooper in the bed snuggles department. Keeping me in bed long past when I should have gotten up. She had some help from an open window, I admit. But, bed was pretty big and empty, just the same. I usually enjoy sleeping alone. WTF? This has to be NRE but even so, woah. I haven't had to deal with this in years. Not like this. It's powerful, distracting, euphoric and scary. And, I am totally failing to handle it. A symptom of the severity is that I feel really good about totally failing to handle it.
I think Marshall being away is going to be excellent all around. I need some time to organize my headspace and I would never take it if he was here. I also need some time to organize my actual space and the crap that occupies it. I am sure he needs some time as well. I feel a little sad that I am spending the evening alone. So, it is high time that I did so. I have spend too much time with other people as of late and am less content with myself. I do believe that it is important to be sufficient unto one's own self. If I cannot be happy alone then I cannot be happy. Time to double-up on making my inner self happy. I will spend some time with my thoughts AND get something useful accomplished. Why am I not excited?
The job is a lot of it, I think. The Job (now in caps) is crap. 50 hour weeks eat into my ambition, sleep and social life. (Okay, only two out of the three. I do get to chose between life and sleep.) It follows me home and is waiting for me when I return. My desk and the burdens on it lurk in the dark at night plotting against me. When I am here they pounce and snare me in a web of conflicting obligations and incompatible time restraints. The sluggish and over-loaded computer/sidekick is not of any benefit. I need a job where I am not the entire department. I have only once before been so unhappy with a position so soon after accepting it. I almost always make it through a year. I feel a bit ashamed of myself for being a quitter, but at the same time, I know that this did not happen for me at the best junction. Still, I can admit that I am not the best candidate for this sort of work. And, I could be doing it better than I am. But, I am miserable and unmotivated and it's sapping all my work-ethic. What a cop-out. I really need to learn to handle boredom better and not spend work hours typing journal entries.
With that, I'm out. Time to be a functional member of the hive.
I still need to get my apartment packed up. I need to memorize my presentation for Thursday (yikes.) I need to get a lot of stuff done at work. And, I really need to find a gift for my sister.
I am not sure if it is the change in the weather, the short sleep or that I slept badly (or some combination thereof) but I feel like the world is tilting. I am aware that the desk surface is more or less horizontal and that I am sitting up with my torso perpendicular to it. However, I feel like I am reclining and the desk is shifting with me. I am at 45° to reality.
I love my cat and she was a trooper in the bed snuggles department. Keeping me in bed long past when I should have gotten up. She had some help from an open window, I admit. But, bed was pretty big and empty, just the same. I usually enjoy sleeping alone. WTF? This has to be NRE but even so, woah. I haven't had to deal with this in years. Not like this. It's powerful, distracting, euphoric and scary. And, I am totally failing to handle it. A symptom of the severity is that I feel really good about totally failing to handle it.
I think Marshall being away is going to be excellent all around. I need some time to organize my headspace and I would never take it if he was here. I also need some time to organize my actual space and the crap that occupies it. I am sure he needs some time as well. I feel a little sad that I am spending the evening alone. So, it is high time that I did so. I have spend too much time with other people as of late and am less content with myself. I do believe that it is important to be sufficient unto one's own self. If I cannot be happy alone then I cannot be happy. Time to double-up on making my inner self happy. I will spend some time with my thoughts AND get something useful accomplished. Why am I not excited?
The job is a lot of it, I think. The Job (now in caps) is crap. 50 hour weeks eat into my ambition, sleep and social life. (Okay, only two out of the three. I do get to chose between life and sleep.) It follows me home and is waiting for me when I return. My desk and the burdens on it lurk in the dark at night plotting against me. When I am here they pounce and snare me in a web of conflicting obligations and incompatible time restraints. The sluggish and over-loaded computer/sidekick is not of any benefit. I need a job where I am not the entire department. I have only once before been so unhappy with a position so soon after accepting it. I almost always make it through a year. I feel a bit ashamed of myself for being a quitter, but at the same time, I know that this did not happen for me at the best junction. Still, I can admit that I am not the best candidate for this sort of work. And, I could be doing it better than I am. But, I am miserable and unmotivated and it's sapping all my work-ethic. What a cop-out. I really need to learn to handle boredom better and not spend work hours typing journal entries.
With that, I'm out. Time to be a functional member of the hive.