Well meaning no-no's
Now I know I should be grateful for the support. I definitely understand comments are well meaning and sometimes out of awkwardness. These are the top things I hate to be told in relation to my fertility problems.
1. You can always adopt. Actually in Australia you can't always. You also must stop all other treatments. Most adoptions require means testing & by the time we have exhausted our options for conceiving biological children we will be, umm, less than wealthy. Just because you can't have your own kids doesn't mean you can have someone else's.
2. You just need to stay positive. Though this is well meaning 'keep your chin up' advice. It doesn't help me. This just makes me feel like my sadness and frustrations are not valid. There is also an added pressure to seem happy on top of dealing with a world full of pregnant people requiring smily congratulations. It's ok to be sad, frustrated, confused & overwhelmed when facing life.
3. Relax. It is awfully hard to relax when you are being pumped full of hormones with weird and wonderful side effects. It is very relaxing feeling like you've been mugged each time you go to the chemist/doctor/healthcare professional (NOT). It is not comfortable to be poked, prodded, charted, medicated or pee on a stick every day. And last but not least, it is not relaxing to be told to relax.
4. When the the time is right or things happen for a reason is not comforting to me. I seriously do not have THAT much bad karma that I (and everyone around me) should suffer this kind of heartache. This also implies the time is not right - thereby implying that there is something not quite right or good enough yet. What is it that is not quite right? Not married yet. Happens everyday. Drinking. How many people conceive when drunk? Weight. Larger people than I get pregnant. Why not me?
5. Assuming that all fertility issues are the same. Fertility is a complex issue with many variables. Even PCOS is different for different people and requires different treatment. I am not the same as you brother's wife's housekeeper's daughter or anyone else you know either.
6. Miracle baby stories. My baby will not be a miracle baby. It will be the result of hard work, medical science, money, heartache, strength, persistence & love.
7. Being told how hard pregnancy is & how I should enjoy my child free life while I can. If you are pregnant - your fertility challenged friend is NOT the person to moan to about morning sickness or tiredness. It is also not helpful to offer your children to me when they are annoying you or bemoan your lack of a sleep in.
8. Not even remotely do I want consider how much money I could gave saved in birth control medication if I had only known. Time travel does not exist.
9. My doctor or my friend's doctor said .... Stand on your head after sex... Only drink hot water... Never drink alcohol. I am seeing a specialist who knows my history, my problems & my case - and just quietly I'm paying a pretty penny for him too.
So now I have eliminated everything you thought you should say to me when I'm bursting into random tears for no visible reason. What should you say?
One thing I never get tired of is explaining what it actually is that is wrong with me. Why I am fertility challenged unlike so many people in this world? Where am I at in my treatment? What comes next (even if this is a little scary for me)? These are real answers rather than statements or questions that make me second guess or blame myself. It is hard enough knowing it is solely me who is the problem & not my partner. Though this is wonderful news because we only have one problem to fix not two, it is a heavy burden to carry.
What if you are pregnant & you don't want to tell me? I will eventually notice or find out. This is tricky I know but it just requires an incy wincy bit of tact. If you have a friend who is openly struggling with fertility, this will impact them, which is confrontational. If you are publicly announcing tell them before & tell them when you will (they won't spoil your secret). This just give us a chance to deal with our emotions in private, allowing us to congratulate and celebrate your announcement too (and we do want to). Be understanding that the initial response may seem selfish, negative or unexpected - which is why it is best dealt with in private, to minimize guilt & shame. When emotions are dealt with the rational will seep in. It is not anyone's responsibility to have babies for me. It is not like people around me can put their baby plans on hold because I can't get pregnant. It is a happy time for them.
Occasionally I just need to be reminded - our journey is not the same as everyone else's and we are doing ok. We will reach the destination with our persistence & patience & strength. When we do we will be the lucky ones who will appreciate pregnancy for the true blessing it is.
The final thing you can do is love and appreciate your own blessings while some of us live in hope.
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