New years feelings. (cont)
So where was I at..... I remember now.
TS - It took me a long time to sort through my feelings, to finally get some clarity on how I feel it and how I see it and how I see you. I get it now. Contary to popular belief, I don't hate you though I've said it many times when I was lacking the articulation I needed and for an excuse for the leaking. I hate myself for loving you, the guilt and shame that came, with loving you and putting up with the shit.
What I really have to say to you is THANK-YOU. There is the malicious thank-you, for fucking over everyone who didn't hear me, didn't see me or choose to believe me when I spoke out. Selfish but a little of my burden and guilt lifts everytime i hear one of those stories. I don't need to say i told you so to them cos each one's different and they all know. I also want to say thank-you for pushing me over the line of no-return because i know inside i would have given you a million more chances if you didn't. Thank-you for saving me from myself. Thank-you for making me value myself without a choice, for reminding me I do like myself enough to want to survive.
And lastly, Thank-you for showing me the bottom of the bottle without me having to go there. I can see clearly now, the difference in my thinking and my vision when I go down the party girl path. I know when I drink, i think... with blinkers in a sense. When I drink i can see you and me the way we used to be. i can drink in the good memories a shut out the bad (something i find impossible when i'm sober). i can remember when you used to clean for me, when i told people you got me, I can remember when it was just you and me, when 'our family' mattered, before you took the drugs that scared me, before you scared me, and broken me, and isolated me, before you choose the drink over our life together. Thank-you for showing my life to me.
There are more people i need to write still but I have things to think through.
TS - It took me a long time to sort through my feelings, to finally get some clarity on how I feel it and how I see it and how I see you. I get it now. Contary to popular belief, I don't hate you though I've said it many times when I was lacking the articulation I needed and for an excuse for the leaking. I hate myself for loving you, the guilt and shame that came, with loving you and putting up with the shit.
What I really have to say to you is THANK-YOU. There is the malicious thank-you, for fucking over everyone who didn't hear me, didn't see me or choose to believe me when I spoke out. Selfish but a little of my burden and guilt lifts everytime i hear one of those stories. I don't need to say i told you so to them cos each one's different and they all know. I also want to say thank-you for pushing me over the line of no-return because i know inside i would have given you a million more chances if you didn't. Thank-you for saving me from myself. Thank-you for making me value myself without a choice, for reminding me I do like myself enough to want to survive.
And lastly, Thank-you for showing me the bottom of the bottle without me having to go there. I can see clearly now, the difference in my thinking and my vision when I go down the party girl path. I know when I drink, i think... with blinkers in a sense. When I drink i can see you and me the way we used to be. i can drink in the good memories a shut out the bad (something i find impossible when i'm sober). i can remember when you used to clean for me, when i told people you got me, I can remember when it was just you and me, when 'our family' mattered, before you took the drugs that scared me, before you scared me, and broken me, and isolated me, before you choose the drink over our life together. Thank-you for showing my life to me.
There are more people i need to write still but I have things to think through.