When You Let Her Go pt 2
For the SPN Rare Pair Big Bang on Tumblr.
Art post here.
Ao3 here
-
Seconds pass after her knock. A muffled affirmation from the other side makes her open the door at last and she steps inside Dean’s room. He sits on his bed and looks a little tired around the eyes and older. Still, handsome though. Jo smiles softly at him and the corners of his mouth lift, too, as he sees her. Although, the smile doesn’t reach his eyes, still makes them crinkle at the corners like they used to. Hell does that to a man, Jo thinks.
“Hi,” she says and he averts his eyes. She knows why. He hasn’t changed. Another step towards him and a deep breath. She holds it for a second.
“It wasn’t you.” Dean sighs. He knows that and Jo knows he still feels guilty and responsible for everything.
“In a way it was me. And I’m still cursed.”
Jo can see where his hand rests over the spot on his arm where the mark of Cain is. Sam has told her everything about it, how it affects Dean.
“It doesn’t matter,” she says softly. “Man up. You had worse.” He looks up at her and wants to say something but Jo shakes her head. “Don’t. You know I forgive you.”
She sits down beside him and rests a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry, we’ll find a way to get the mark off and we can forget about all this.”
Dean huffs. “Good luck.” Jo rolls her eyes. “Dean!” She gently punches him on the arm.
“I nearly got you killed, left you, locked you up and almost killed you again.”
“But you didn’t,” Jo grins. She reaches out, gently touches his cheek. There’s so much pain and guilt in his eyes that it breaks her heart.
“I forgive you,” she insists again. “And Sam does, too. Only you need to forgive yourself, Dean.”
He is very close; she can count the freckles on his nose if she wants to. They look at each other for a moment in silence. “I’ll try?” Dean finally says and fails to smile. Jo does it for him.
"That's good enough for now I guess."
They sit together, shoulders touching and Jo’s heartbeat speeds up by having Dean so close. A familiar feeling washes over her. His eyes seem to be lighter now, still so green yet and heavy with what they have seen. Sadness tightens her chest and she has the urge to touch and comfort him. She hesitates for the time of a heartbeat and then takes his face gently in her hands. Her gaze drops from his eyes to his slightly parted lips. Want fills her heart then. Dean is still, eyes shut, breath even. Jo leans in, holding her breath but when their lips are about to touch Dean opens his eyes and pulls away.
"Sorry," he mutters as he looks away. Jo sighs. "It's okay. It's too soon. Things have changed."
“I need time,” Dean says softly. Jo nods sympathetically. “I can wait.”
They give Dean space and time to let him rest. Jo wants to leave the next day but Sam suggests that she should stay a bit longer to get herself some rest as well. What he doesn’t say is that she is also safer in the bunker.
“If Dean is okay with that then I would like to stay and catch up with you guys. I could also help with the research on the mark of Cain problem.” Dean has no objections and over the following week the tension between them fades.
Dean is almost back to being himself again as Jo knows him. Of course the rough, worn edge on him is more in view and he’s easy to snap. But he plays it down as always. He cracks jokes and mocks his brother and Cas. Only around Jo he is attentive at first. Quickly, however, even she isn’t spared by his mockery.
Sam and Dean go on a little vacation while Jo stays with Cas in the bunker doing some research on how to remove the mark of Cain from Dean’s arm. When the brothers are back they decide to go back to hunting soon and Cas goes to do some research on his own in his angel way.
One evening Jo has dinner with Sam and Dean in the library. She is a little exhausted and frustrated that they lack new results on Dean’s curse problem. She agrees that Dean needs some distraction and he rather goes back to work than sitting on his butt in the bunker.
Jo then goes back to the road house but stays in touch with the Winchesters helping them out on cases and research or just hanging out for a movie night. It’s almost back to normal between her and Dean. Sam even sometimes leaves them alone on purpose. She thinks he doesn’t do it only to give them space to bond again but also because so he can meet Cas alone. She doesn’t say anything to Sam. One night though, when she is alone with Dean drinking beer and they got distracted from their research for a case by Dean showing her funny videos on YouTube, she suddenly asks with a grin, “What do you think Sam and Cas are doing?” Dean is oblivious and only shrugs. “What do you mean?”
“Nothing,” she giggles and drinks from her beer.
She senses that it's an awkward topic for Dean so she drops it, reluctantly though. Her curiosity has never really done any harm and she hopes to have a casual light conversation with Dean. “I was just wondering.”
Now, Dean smiles slightly. “I don't think I want to know. They're nerds.” Jo shakes her head and likes the fondness in Dean’s tone and smile when he speaks about his little brother and his best friend.
Then, suddenly she finds the fond look directed at herself and she blushes a little. They sit very close and she just has to lean it. She does not need to. Dean's hand cups her face and their lips meet. Jo is still, frozen before she feels confident to kiss back. They pull apart for second just to crash back together in the next.
Jo opens her mouth to let Dean’s tongue in. It's almost desperate and just so perfect. Jo doesn't know how long it lasts. When it’s over she searches Dean’s face for a green light that this is okay. That they are okay and hopefully maybe can go further. Dean seems to struggle and Jo slouches a little.
“It’s okay, we can just-,” she starts but Dean interrupts her. “You know it would be just that. Nothing more.” Jo knows. She gave up the thought that Dean could develop feelings for her a long time ago. In response she nods with a reassuring smile and leans in for another kiss which he greedily returns. It's even hotter and they hold on to another as they make their way to Dean’s room. Jo moans into the kiss and she can feel Dean all over her and her blood pounds in her ears as they fall through the door and onto the bed.
The next day Sam and Dean are called by Cas to help him out with something (she thinks she heard the name Claire). Jo left very early in the morning because she wants to avoid the awkwardness of meeting Dean and his guilty look after last night.
She doesn't know if Sam knows or if Dean talks with him about what happened between them. She sends them a text saying goodbye and ‘ see you guys around’ before she gets into her car driving back to South Dakota.
It's a week later when she hears of the Winchesters again. Moreover, she gets a text from Sam saying that the hunt went bad and Dean’s is in a bad state. He hasn't gone out of the bunker all the time.
“Can I see him?” she asks hopefully.
“He doesn't really want to see anyone,” Sam sighs. “Can I talk to you then and you tell me what exactly happened?” Sam agrees and they meet up in a bar in town.
Jo is nursing a beer as she asks: “How is he?”
“Hiding in his room, searching through everything the men of letters have ever written.”
“Is it the mark?” She already knows the answer to that question. Sam nods and tells her what happened. Jo is shocked when she hears that Dean has killed those ‘friends’ of Claire brutally. “Oh, God. I've never imagined it would get that bad. He must feel horrible.”
“I know but Cas and I, we’re on it and we'll figure it out. We're gonna save my brother.” He tries his best Sam Winchester smile to reassure her but Jo has a hard time to believe it. “I wanna see him. Let me talk to him, please,” she insists. Sam hesitates before he gives in. “Okay.”
It's quiet in the bunker when Jo walks down the stairs. Sam says Dean is still in his room even though Sam tried several times to get him out to eat breakfast with him.
He is trying again when Jo joins him. She appears from behind Sam’s huge form leaning against the door frame. The small woman peeks shyly into the room. Dean looks up at her from his spot on the bed surrounded by lore books.
“Hi,” she grins at him.
“Hey,” Dean greets, sitting up, taking his feet off the bed to put them on the floor. “What’s up?” the older Winchester asks, looking from his brother to Jo and back. Jo walks towards him.
“We’re worried,” she shrugs. “You should go out. Come on.” Dean shoots a short glare at Sam. Then, he shakes his head. “You heard what happened. I’m not good out.” Jo looks sad. “That’s not true.”
Sam leaves them and Jo tries once again to bring Dean to come with them for breakfast or help them find a case. But he remains stubborn and goes back to his lore book, ignoring her. So, she gives up and retreats to the library where Sam is drinking coffee and has already one for her ready, too.
They haven’t found anything that looks like a case as Dean finally walks in and Jo’s face lights up.
“Hey, chuckles.” Dean rolls his eyes at her and Sam suddenly stands up, pulling his phone out. “Gotta make a call,” he says and leaves. Dean’s brow furrows but he’s beyond questioning his little brother’s sometimes strange behaviour. “Bet he’s calling Cas,” he whispers to Jo and she chuckles as Dean sits at the table across from her. He takes a sip from his coffee. Jo squints at him. He seems tense, as if there’s something he’s hiding or something he wants to say. He avoids meeting her eyes.
She sighs. “Spill. What is it? You know you can tell me everything, Dean.” Jo knows she won’t like it and prepares mentally for another heartbreak. She knows the signs, like she knows Dean ‘Heartbreaker’ Winchester.
Jo takes a big gulp of her coffee and Dean nods before he speaks.
“Jo, you got out. You shouldn't have come back. You shouldn't stay. Here. With me." Everything inside Jo wants to protest but the hard stare he gives her and his insistent and quiet tone keeps her mouth shut. He wants to protect her she gets that. She also gets why. It's the same reason her mother wanted to keep her away from the hunting life. It hurts nevertheless. She isn’t a little girl or a teenager any more. They are friends and more. She would do anything for him. Because he was Dean. And he hasn't changed. Not in that matter.
“You should go," Dean says again.
"I can't promise that I won't come back," Jo replies with a smile. "Once that damn thing on your arm is gone, you'll see me again, Winchester." She leans forward and presses a kiss to his lips before she leaves.
~*~
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies
~*~
It's the end of her shift and Jo is browsing on her phone looking for college courses to refresh her knowledge and get her degree. That she left Dean doesn't mean that she gave up helping him but he has Sam and Cas who would also do everything for him and having Dean worrying about her doesn’t help anyone. She wants to give him more space. But she keeps her eyes and ears open and her phone turned on.
When she looks up because her coworker Diane puts a beer in front of her she notices the lyrics of the song that is currently playing in the background. It’s on a playlist of Diane’s iPod. Some classics and some new stuff. The refrain of the song catches her attention and she listens closely. She thinks she recognises the voice. Sounds like, what was the name of the band? She wonders. Passenger?
~*~
But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
~*~
The song reminds her of Dean. She remembers how sad he looked when he sent her away.
Dean left her all these years ago and he let her go now. But now she understands why. Their relationship is complicated and it doesn’t always go well between them, she is aware of that but Jo Harvelle’s life has never been easy and neither has the Winchesters. Even though it’s hard at times like now when everything feels hopeless, Jo learned not to give up. She won’t give up on Dean and that things will get better. For now though she holds on to the memory of how fond and full of affection his smile was and how dark green his eyes have been when they have spent the night together. The thought makes her smile.
~*~
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well, you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
Cause you loved her too much and you dived too deep
~*~
“Why are you smiling?” Diane asks. Jo blushes a little. “It’s just that song. Makes me think of something.”
“Something or someone ?” Diane grins, Jo grins back and drinks her beer.
~*~
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
~*~
The end
Art post here.
Ao3 here
-
Seconds pass after her knock. A muffled affirmation from the other side makes her open the door at last and she steps inside Dean’s room. He sits on his bed and looks a little tired around the eyes and older. Still, handsome though. Jo smiles softly at him and the corners of his mouth lift, too, as he sees her. Although, the smile doesn’t reach his eyes, still makes them crinkle at the corners like they used to. Hell does that to a man, Jo thinks.
“Hi,” she says and he averts his eyes. She knows why. He hasn’t changed. Another step towards him and a deep breath. She holds it for a second.
“It wasn’t you.” Dean sighs. He knows that and Jo knows he still feels guilty and responsible for everything.
“In a way it was me. And I’m still cursed.”
Jo can see where his hand rests over the spot on his arm where the mark of Cain is. Sam has told her everything about it, how it affects Dean.
“It doesn’t matter,” she says softly. “Man up. You had worse.” He looks up at her and wants to say something but Jo shakes her head. “Don’t. You know I forgive you.”
She sits down beside him and rests a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry, we’ll find a way to get the mark off and we can forget about all this.”
Dean huffs. “Good luck.” Jo rolls her eyes. “Dean!” She gently punches him on the arm.
“I nearly got you killed, left you, locked you up and almost killed you again.”
“But you didn’t,” Jo grins. She reaches out, gently touches his cheek. There’s so much pain and guilt in his eyes that it breaks her heart.
“I forgive you,” she insists again. “And Sam does, too. Only you need to forgive yourself, Dean.”
He is very close; she can count the freckles on his nose if she wants to. They look at each other for a moment in silence. “I’ll try?” Dean finally says and fails to smile. Jo does it for him.
"That's good enough for now I guess."
They sit together, shoulders touching and Jo’s heartbeat speeds up by having Dean so close. A familiar feeling washes over her. His eyes seem to be lighter now, still so green yet and heavy with what they have seen. Sadness tightens her chest and she has the urge to touch and comfort him. She hesitates for the time of a heartbeat and then takes his face gently in her hands. Her gaze drops from his eyes to his slightly parted lips. Want fills her heart then. Dean is still, eyes shut, breath even. Jo leans in, holding her breath but when their lips are about to touch Dean opens his eyes and pulls away.
"Sorry," he mutters as he looks away. Jo sighs. "It's okay. It's too soon. Things have changed."
“I need time,” Dean says softly. Jo nods sympathetically. “I can wait.”
They give Dean space and time to let him rest. Jo wants to leave the next day but Sam suggests that she should stay a bit longer to get herself some rest as well. What he doesn’t say is that she is also safer in the bunker.
“If Dean is okay with that then I would like to stay and catch up with you guys. I could also help with the research on the mark of Cain problem.” Dean has no objections and over the following week the tension between them fades.
Dean is almost back to being himself again as Jo knows him. Of course the rough, worn edge on him is more in view and he’s easy to snap. But he plays it down as always. He cracks jokes and mocks his brother and Cas. Only around Jo he is attentive at first. Quickly, however, even she isn’t spared by his mockery.
Sam and Dean go on a little vacation while Jo stays with Cas in the bunker doing some research on how to remove the mark of Cain from Dean’s arm. When the brothers are back they decide to go back to hunting soon and Cas goes to do some research on his own in his angel way.
One evening Jo has dinner with Sam and Dean in the library. She is a little exhausted and frustrated that they lack new results on Dean’s curse problem. She agrees that Dean needs some distraction and he rather goes back to work than sitting on his butt in the bunker.
Jo then goes back to the road house but stays in touch with the Winchesters helping them out on cases and research or just hanging out for a movie night. It’s almost back to normal between her and Dean. Sam even sometimes leaves them alone on purpose. She thinks he doesn’t do it only to give them space to bond again but also because so he can meet Cas alone. She doesn’t say anything to Sam. One night though, when she is alone with Dean drinking beer and they got distracted from their research for a case by Dean showing her funny videos on YouTube, she suddenly asks with a grin, “What do you think Sam and Cas are doing?” Dean is oblivious and only shrugs. “What do you mean?”
“Nothing,” she giggles and drinks from her beer.
She senses that it's an awkward topic for Dean so she drops it, reluctantly though. Her curiosity has never really done any harm and she hopes to have a casual light conversation with Dean. “I was just wondering.”
Now, Dean smiles slightly. “I don't think I want to know. They're nerds.” Jo shakes her head and likes the fondness in Dean’s tone and smile when he speaks about his little brother and his best friend.
Then, suddenly she finds the fond look directed at herself and she blushes a little. They sit very close and she just has to lean it. She does not need to. Dean's hand cups her face and their lips meet. Jo is still, frozen before she feels confident to kiss back. They pull apart for second just to crash back together in the next.
Jo opens her mouth to let Dean’s tongue in. It's almost desperate and just so perfect. Jo doesn't know how long it lasts. When it’s over she searches Dean’s face for a green light that this is okay. That they are okay and hopefully maybe can go further. Dean seems to struggle and Jo slouches a little.
“It’s okay, we can just-,” she starts but Dean interrupts her. “You know it would be just that. Nothing more.” Jo knows. She gave up the thought that Dean could develop feelings for her a long time ago. In response she nods with a reassuring smile and leans in for another kiss which he greedily returns. It's even hotter and they hold on to another as they make their way to Dean’s room. Jo moans into the kiss and she can feel Dean all over her and her blood pounds in her ears as they fall through the door and onto the bed.
The next day Sam and Dean are called by Cas to help him out with something (she thinks she heard the name Claire). Jo left very early in the morning because she wants to avoid the awkwardness of meeting Dean and his guilty look after last night.
She doesn't know if Sam knows or if Dean talks with him about what happened between them. She sends them a text saying goodbye and ‘ see you guys around’ before she gets into her car driving back to South Dakota.
It's a week later when she hears of the Winchesters again. Moreover, she gets a text from Sam saying that the hunt went bad and Dean’s is in a bad state. He hasn't gone out of the bunker all the time.
“Can I see him?” she asks hopefully.
“He doesn't really want to see anyone,” Sam sighs. “Can I talk to you then and you tell me what exactly happened?” Sam agrees and they meet up in a bar in town.
Jo is nursing a beer as she asks: “How is he?”
“Hiding in his room, searching through everything the men of letters have ever written.”
“Is it the mark?” She already knows the answer to that question. Sam nods and tells her what happened. Jo is shocked when she hears that Dean has killed those ‘friends’ of Claire brutally. “Oh, God. I've never imagined it would get that bad. He must feel horrible.”
“I know but Cas and I, we’re on it and we'll figure it out. We're gonna save my brother.” He tries his best Sam Winchester smile to reassure her but Jo has a hard time to believe it. “I wanna see him. Let me talk to him, please,” she insists. Sam hesitates before he gives in. “Okay.”
It's quiet in the bunker when Jo walks down the stairs. Sam says Dean is still in his room even though Sam tried several times to get him out to eat breakfast with him.
He is trying again when Jo joins him. She appears from behind Sam’s huge form leaning against the door frame. The small woman peeks shyly into the room. Dean looks up at her from his spot on the bed surrounded by lore books.
“Hi,” she grins at him.
“Hey,” Dean greets, sitting up, taking his feet off the bed to put them on the floor. “What’s up?” the older Winchester asks, looking from his brother to Jo and back. Jo walks towards him.
“We’re worried,” she shrugs. “You should go out. Come on.” Dean shoots a short glare at Sam. Then, he shakes his head. “You heard what happened. I’m not good out.” Jo looks sad. “That’s not true.”
Sam leaves them and Jo tries once again to bring Dean to come with them for breakfast or help them find a case. But he remains stubborn and goes back to his lore book, ignoring her. So, she gives up and retreats to the library where Sam is drinking coffee and has already one for her ready, too.
They haven’t found anything that looks like a case as Dean finally walks in and Jo’s face lights up.
“Hey, chuckles.” Dean rolls his eyes at her and Sam suddenly stands up, pulling his phone out. “Gotta make a call,” he says and leaves. Dean’s brow furrows but he’s beyond questioning his little brother’s sometimes strange behaviour. “Bet he’s calling Cas,” he whispers to Jo and she chuckles as Dean sits at the table across from her. He takes a sip from his coffee. Jo squints at him. He seems tense, as if there’s something he’s hiding or something he wants to say. He avoids meeting her eyes.
She sighs. “Spill. What is it? You know you can tell me everything, Dean.” Jo knows she won’t like it and prepares mentally for another heartbreak. She knows the signs, like she knows Dean ‘Heartbreaker’ Winchester.
Jo takes a big gulp of her coffee and Dean nods before he speaks.
“Jo, you got out. You shouldn't have come back. You shouldn't stay. Here. With me." Everything inside Jo wants to protest but the hard stare he gives her and his insistent and quiet tone keeps her mouth shut. He wants to protect her she gets that. She also gets why. It's the same reason her mother wanted to keep her away from the hunting life. It hurts nevertheless. She isn’t a little girl or a teenager any more. They are friends and more. She would do anything for him. Because he was Dean. And he hasn't changed. Not in that matter.
“You should go," Dean says again.
"I can't promise that I won't come back," Jo replies with a smile. "Once that damn thing on your arm is gone, you'll see me again, Winchester." She leans forward and presses a kiss to his lips before she leaves.
~*~
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies
~*~
It's the end of her shift and Jo is browsing on her phone looking for college courses to refresh her knowledge and get her degree. That she left Dean doesn't mean that she gave up helping him but he has Sam and Cas who would also do everything for him and having Dean worrying about her doesn’t help anyone. She wants to give him more space. But she keeps her eyes and ears open and her phone turned on.
When she looks up because her coworker Diane puts a beer in front of her she notices the lyrics of the song that is currently playing in the background. It’s on a playlist of Diane’s iPod. Some classics and some new stuff. The refrain of the song catches her attention and she listens closely. She thinks she recognises the voice. Sounds like, what was the name of the band? She wonders. Passenger?
~*~
But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
~*~
The song reminds her of Dean. She remembers how sad he looked when he sent her away.
Dean left her all these years ago and he let her go now. But now she understands why. Their relationship is complicated and it doesn’t always go well between them, she is aware of that but Jo Harvelle’s life has never been easy and neither has the Winchesters. Even though it’s hard at times like now when everything feels hopeless, Jo learned not to give up. She won’t give up on Dean and that things will get better. For now though she holds on to the memory of how fond and full of affection his smile was and how dark green his eyes have been when they have spent the night together. The thought makes her smile.
~*~
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well, you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
Cause you loved her too much and you dived too deep
~*~
“Why are you smiling?” Diane asks. Jo blushes a little. “It’s just that song. Makes me think of something.”
“Something or someone ?” Diane grins, Jo grins back and drinks her beer.
~*~
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
~*~
The end