Better than Ever
It's better than ever, and I'm unsatisfied.
I'm scared to death of failing this experiment. What was it like? What was I like a decade ago when I didn't give a fuck for giving a fuck? What was I on that made everything relative?
I can't even remember whose approval I was seeking. That's a trick that the game plays on you. I never wanted to have a normal life. I clung to weirdness like a crutch, and even when things were really scary and ugly.. and smelly.. I would hold the god damned fort. I can do anything, anything at all. I'll sacrifice everything, and eat every shit sandwich I can make. Once upon a time I refused to be accountable to anyone.
These days I've gotten used to being so centered and in control. It's a struggle, when I'm off balance, not to be ashamed. I'm scared of losing this game, and I won't feel bad about it. This *means* something to me, and I can't apologize enough...
Once upon a time the mantra was "You may be in serious danger of taking this too seriously". Nothing deserves to be taken so seriously that you can't enjoy it. I was in love with that idea when I was seventeen. Now, I'm not enjoying it.. and it is *very* serious.
It's late and I'm high off the suffering of others.
I'm not happy about the pain they feel, but the passion is intense and its moving, beautiful.
Never did like violence. Never did like to fight. Never cared for poorly executed best intentions.
I'd be so thrilled to fail again. I'd be so so so happy to be let off the hook so I didn't have to care,
but it doesn't work that way this time. This time I get to care forever, no matter what. Maybe tomorrow I'll rediscover the rich tapestry of existence that reminds me what's worth fighting for. I'll fall in love all over again, and the world will have to put up with poems and adorations from the twisted mind and sugar heart of a weird little dreamer.
But tomorrow night I won't be able to sleep either.. not if it keeps getting better like this.
I'm scared to death of failing this experiment. What was it like? What was I like a decade ago when I didn't give a fuck for giving a fuck? What was I on that made everything relative?
I can't even remember whose approval I was seeking. That's a trick that the game plays on you. I never wanted to have a normal life. I clung to weirdness like a crutch, and even when things were really scary and ugly.. and smelly.. I would hold the god damned fort. I can do anything, anything at all. I'll sacrifice everything, and eat every shit sandwich I can make. Once upon a time I refused to be accountable to anyone.
These days I've gotten used to being so centered and in control. It's a struggle, when I'm off balance, not to be ashamed. I'm scared of losing this game, and I won't feel bad about it. This *means* something to me, and I can't apologize enough...
Once upon a time the mantra was "You may be in serious danger of taking this too seriously". Nothing deserves to be taken so seriously that you can't enjoy it. I was in love with that idea when I was seventeen. Now, I'm not enjoying it.. and it is *very* serious.
It's late and I'm high off the suffering of others.
I'm not happy about the pain they feel, but the passion is intense and its moving, beautiful.
Never did like violence. Never did like to fight. Never cared for poorly executed best intentions.
I'd be so thrilled to fail again. I'd be so so so happy to be let off the hook so I didn't have to care,
but it doesn't work that way this time. This time I get to care forever, no matter what. Maybe tomorrow I'll rediscover the rich tapestry of existence that reminds me what's worth fighting for. I'll fall in love all over again, and the world will have to put up with poems and adorations from the twisted mind and sugar heart of a weird little dreamer.
But tomorrow night I won't be able to sleep either.. not if it keeps getting better like this.