(no subject)
So today began late at night around midnight or so. I had a friend over and we slept together. Nothing sexual, just sharing a bed as she tends to have problems waking up in the morning and she had to get up early. Well since the racks in the barracks are barely larger than twin matresses, we were uncomfortably (...) close and so sleep was not quite the best. Then at 2 my ex calls. I was so out of it I didn't realize what the sound was until I saw the name on the caller ID. I knew why she'd called, even before she said anything.
I didn't answer the phone right away, just turned it on silent and layed there thinking about her and us and what could have been and her and my current situations. I loved her, and still do. I planned on marrying her, and she decided I was not worth it, yet still wanted to keep me around as a friend. She began dating a guy, another marine who just dumped her out of the blue. I have a friend to whom I am attracted but don't want to start anything with for fear of ruining our relationship. I'm also afraid I feel this way about her because as in the past I've almost always gone for the first girl that gave me the time of day after a breakup and that is not fair to her.
And now after talking to the ex today, she has calmed down from her sobbing mess to being semi-rational. I am going to go see her tonight. I don't expect anything, but the feelings for her are there. She screwed me over more than once, yet I am still very much in love with her. Am I screwed up in feeling for her this way? Is it not right that I could love someone so deeply that made my life so miserable for a time? These thoughts and others have been running through my head all day today.
I am afraid of one thing and one thing only. Losing her. I love her, and in loving her I just want her to be happy. She is an amazing woman, and if I cannot be the man for her, then whomever she choses will be the luckiest man on earth.
I didn't answer the phone right away, just turned it on silent and layed there thinking about her and us and what could have been and her and my current situations. I loved her, and still do. I planned on marrying her, and she decided I was not worth it, yet still wanted to keep me around as a friend. She began dating a guy, another marine who just dumped her out of the blue. I have a friend to whom I am attracted but don't want to start anything with for fear of ruining our relationship. I'm also afraid I feel this way about her because as in the past I've almost always gone for the first girl that gave me the time of day after a breakup and that is not fair to her.
And now after talking to the ex today, she has calmed down from her sobbing mess to being semi-rational. I am going to go see her tonight. I don't expect anything, but the feelings for her are there. She screwed me over more than once, yet I am still very much in love with her. Am I screwed up in feeling for her this way? Is it not right that I could love someone so deeply that made my life so miserable for a time? These thoughts and others have been running through my head all day today.
I am afraid of one thing and one thing only. Losing her. I love her, and in loving her I just want her to be happy. She is an amazing woman, and if I cannot be the man for her, then whomever she choses will be the luckiest man on earth.