(no subject)
I realized today just how long it's been since I've posted anything to this journal. In all actuality I really dont know who reads this anymore. But for the few of you who may, I will continue to keep this account remotely active.
I asked God to make me more alive. I begged and pleaded with Him to give me some sort of passion or direction, a spark, anything to keep me alive despite the mere existence I had been feeling. I didnt feel as if I was living life out of God's will per say but I did feel as if I wasnt doing anything. I simply felt like I was living life - no great ambition or existence attacted, just living day to day pretty much the same way every day. I wanted there to be more to my life then that; hense the begging and pleading for a new form of existence. Despite the begging and pleading, nothing happened until a few days ago. My days are all running together and I cant remember if it was two days ago or three. I was at my grandparents house in Maryland. My family and Andrew drove the 15 hours to Centreville Maryland to spend 5 days with my mom's side of the family. And something that a friend of mine said followed me all the way to Maryland and hit me hard one night. I am not content. I am discontented with nearly every aspect of my life all to some degree be it large or small. I sat in the hallway at my grandparents house pouring over Psalm 119 like a dehydrated mule at a well. I had been out of the word for so long, barely getting by with Sunday sermons and daily prayers. I sat there for, well, I really dont know how long I was there, but I stayed there until Andrew walked by the hallway and asked what I was doing, just breaking before God. Needless to say, now I have that passion, direction, that spark that I had begged for so long. I know that it seems like these sparks come and flicker out eventually, but God is faithful to provide new sparks, new passions, new direction and meaning everytime we fall short and flicker away into our own selfish ambition.
I want to encourage anyone who takes the time to read this to get your Bible and read over Psalm 119. But instead of just reading that chapter, try doing something different. It's something that my roommate taught me in one of our Dgroups one night. She said that she couldnt bring herself to say some of the words of David aloud before her Father because they were not true of her life. Instead, she would read the passage so that it fit her life; she would make it be words true of her heart, not simply reading the cries of a man named David who lived years and years ago. For example. When I read the verses (Psalm 119: 9-16) I read slowly out loud to my Father in Heaven but I changed the words a bit. If you'll permit me, I'll give you a glimpse into my heart the other night as I broke myself, and imperfect selfish being, before my perfect and holy Father above.
"How can I, a young woman, cleanse my ways? I can cleanse my ways by taking heed according to Your word. With my whole heart I have not sought You. Oh, let me not wander any further from Your commandments! Your word I have once hidden in my heart that I might not sin against You, but the sword of Your word I have allowed to grow rusty and frail. Blessed are You, O Lord! Please Father, teach me Your statutes. With my lips I long to declare all the judgements of Your mouth and I long to rejoice in the way of Your testimonies as much as in an engagement ring or riches. I will discipline myself to meditate on Your precepts and contemplate Your ways. I will learn to delight myself in Your statutes and I will not forget Your word."
It's extremely difficult to read scripture in that way, at least, it is for me. It makes me realize the condition that I am in....its humbling and breaking. And I would urge you to take the time and realize your condition before God. Allow Him to use His word to humble and break you.
I asked God to make me more alive. I begged and pleaded with Him to give me some sort of passion or direction, a spark, anything to keep me alive despite the mere existence I had been feeling. I didnt feel as if I was living life out of God's will per say but I did feel as if I wasnt doing anything. I simply felt like I was living life - no great ambition or existence attacted, just living day to day pretty much the same way every day. I wanted there to be more to my life then that; hense the begging and pleading for a new form of existence. Despite the begging and pleading, nothing happened until a few days ago. My days are all running together and I cant remember if it was two days ago or three. I was at my grandparents house in Maryland. My family and Andrew drove the 15 hours to Centreville Maryland to spend 5 days with my mom's side of the family. And something that a friend of mine said followed me all the way to Maryland and hit me hard one night. I am not content. I am discontented with nearly every aspect of my life all to some degree be it large or small. I sat in the hallway at my grandparents house pouring over Psalm 119 like a dehydrated mule at a well. I had been out of the word for so long, barely getting by with Sunday sermons and daily prayers. I sat there for, well, I really dont know how long I was there, but I stayed there until Andrew walked by the hallway and asked what I was doing, just breaking before God. Needless to say, now I have that passion, direction, that spark that I had begged for so long. I know that it seems like these sparks come and flicker out eventually, but God is faithful to provide new sparks, new passions, new direction and meaning everytime we fall short and flicker away into our own selfish ambition.
I want to encourage anyone who takes the time to read this to get your Bible and read over Psalm 119. But instead of just reading that chapter, try doing something different. It's something that my roommate taught me in one of our Dgroups one night. She said that she couldnt bring herself to say some of the words of David aloud before her Father because they were not true of her life. Instead, she would read the passage so that it fit her life; she would make it be words true of her heart, not simply reading the cries of a man named David who lived years and years ago. For example. When I read the verses (Psalm 119: 9-16) I read slowly out loud to my Father in Heaven but I changed the words a bit. If you'll permit me, I'll give you a glimpse into my heart the other night as I broke myself, and imperfect selfish being, before my perfect and holy Father above.
"How can I, a young woman, cleanse my ways? I can cleanse my ways by taking heed according to Your word. With my whole heart I have not sought You. Oh, let me not wander any further from Your commandments! Your word I have once hidden in my heart that I might not sin against You, but the sword of Your word I have allowed to grow rusty and frail. Blessed are You, O Lord! Please Father, teach me Your statutes. With my lips I long to declare all the judgements of Your mouth and I long to rejoice in the way of Your testimonies as much as in an engagement ring or riches. I will discipline myself to meditate on Your precepts and contemplate Your ways. I will learn to delight myself in Your statutes and I will not forget Your word."
It's extremely difficult to read scripture in that way, at least, it is for me. It makes me realize the condition that I am in....its humbling and breaking. And I would urge you to take the time and realize your condition before God. Allow Him to use His word to humble and break you.