Sad New Years Day
Those that know me know how much my animals mean to me. Even Badass, my mouse. He had personality, spunk, and would eat treats out my hand. He always jumped on the side of the cage when he saw Brian and I. He was my little baby. We took awesome care of him, and he lived a long time for a mouse. The other 2 died a while a go. But Badass was happy with life, happy with us and I was determined to make him the happiest oldest mouse ever.
Can you see where Im going with this? Samara and Gizmo never hurt the mouse, I mean there was even times Badass rode on Samaras back and she purred and never hurt him, They were very sweet with him.
Enter Simba, a 7 month old kitten I found outside. He was always jumping next to the cage. I was always shooing him out. I always tried to keep the door closed, just in case.
I swore I shut the door. I swore I shut the door. We came back from a New Years party and went to sleep. I woke up with the worst hangover I felt like I ever had. Brian gets up and I hear him start to cry and say something about the cat. I freak out and look to make sure all the cats are okay....I was like "What? What?!"
and then I see BadAss in his hands and the mouse cage knocked over onto the floor. I completly loose it, drop to my knees and started crying and sobbing, screaming 'No, NO NO!!" and I just couldnt stop. I couldnt believe it. I still cant. I cant even go in the spare room now. It feels so empty in this house. I keep wanting to go in there to feed him but he's not there. He's dead. I cant believe it. I try not to think about it but I cant help it. Brian said that he didnt look bit, scratched or in pain. We think either he had a heart attack or the impact..killed him. Not Simba. But it was still is fault. I grabbed him roughly by the scruff of his neck to throw him outside and Brian grabbed him from me, Let him go, youre hurting him, as I squeezed and Simba yelped. Brian told me later that he probably just wanted to play with him and didnt know, since he didnt look hurt. I dont feel the same for Simba as I used to, and I feel horrible. Brian said it will take time. I feel like such a shitty mother, a shitty human. I know things happen but still. I called my brother and he said later that with the way I was crying he thought mama had died or something. But he did make me feel better and helped me with it and has been calling me a couple of times, I left a voicemail on my moms phone but since I was crying she couldnt understand me, and shes been calling me a lot too making sure Im okay.
They know how I am about my animals. It may seem small to some people but I have such a PASSION for every living animal. Even turtles, frogs, lizards, snakes, beetles, insects, rodents, etc. If I see a moth, I get a cup and put it outside. And this mouse was such a part of the family. I hate being in a catch 22. Its like I cant live without these animals, but I love them so much and become SO attached that I cant handle the deaths but I HAVE to have them. My mom said she constantly worries about me and especially when I get another animal because she doesnt want me to have to go through the pain of losing them. Then we talked about if I become a vet, and becoming attached and her experinces with losing people when she first became a nurse. Stuff like that.
My brother and I joked how I keep sending my dad all these animals to watch untill I get there. Thats what comforts me. That I know he's watching over them and I'll get to see them again one day. I have a long way to go (I hope) so he's got plenty more animals coming!
Other than that, New Years has been good. I dont set resolutions, I think you should strive each day to do what you need to do. I know I will continue to eat right, exercise more. I want to try not to drink anymore. Go to Church more. We're going Sunday. I want to build up my relationship with the Lord. Sometimes I feel like Im there, and then I keep slipping. My brother said it takes time. Im glad he realizes that it doesnt happen over night like some people claim. I want to be a better wife as always. We're changing how we do bills and bank accounts to help us save money and pay off bills. I bought him a Gamefly membership for video games as a thank you for always being there and helping me through things. I start my next semester in a couple of weeks and want A's like in my last 3 classes. I already stay clean and organized, so thats not a problem.
Sorry for all the typos, I have a dog and a cat laying in my lap as I type this on the couch. Told ya I love my animals. Now I will go take a nap before my friend Stevens party tonight. I got him an Ed Hardy clock, hope he doesnt already have it! But Ill give him the reciept in case.
Hmm I think thats all for now