(no subject)
Angel of my Nightmare
alright im in graphics again. only time i can really update this piece of shit. going to soccer practice today, kinda have too. missed practice a couple days. need to get in more condition. need to get more healthy. my weekend was ok could have been ALOT better but aww well cant complain life for me is always ok. havent seen brandon since wednesday, starting to have mixed feelings about him since he always seems to be stoned when i see him. but ill see.. hopefully things will go ok. im just not stable enough i think to have a boyfriend right now. the stresses in life are making me go crazy, i hate school so much now, i cant ever concentrate its terrible. i mean i never really used to hate it till now. life at home just seems to be an act for me, i go unnoticed and when im noticed i get bitched at cause i didnt do something or i did something but i didnt so it right. i want to go to the mainland so badly, i miss some friends so much, i want to get off this fuckin island. thats all i want for christmas is to get off this fuckin rock and actually do something. i hate christmas. its never pleasent for me. i need money i need a job. fuck im complaining so much. too much i wants and i needs. well u know what i dont give a fuck. ive been ignoring me alot lately, i just need to vent. kayla was being stupid last night. i dont know the horrid details but people called me asking about her and i wanted to call but i know she wouldnt be able to talk so im just hoping on faith that shes still alive.
you guys have no idea how much that shook me up when she first tried to hill herself. i know i shouldnt say that from that moment on its been down hill from there but it has. its just gone down hill so much that i dont think i can get back up. i confessed to lance that ive been hurting so much for so long yesterday, he says im really good at hiding it.. i wish i didnt tell him, but in some way he helped me, he helped me talk about problems that ive had bottled up for so long and im thankful for that but now i know that hes gonna be worried about me and i dont want that. he was scared to let me go home last night, i told him not to worry cause hey im still here.. woopty fuckin do. i wish i could go back to the days when i was happy, when i was truely happy. when i didnt hit high school and hit the stages of being a teen where you think everyone hates you and everyones out to get you to make your life miserable, where you think your parents are terrible and they all need to die when in actuallality there always there for you no matter what, they cant ever throw away someone they love unlike friends. where my mom didnt have all those surgerys and she was ok. you guys im worried. im so worried. kayla thinks i have leukimia or how ever you spell it, i think i have some bacteria thing with my stomach or just my immune system is failing on me again like it did so many years ago. you know people say that i should get new friends. that really pisses me off cause they have no idea. do people all the time go up to you and tell you to get new friends and stop hanging out with your best friend all the god damn time??? no so shut the fuck up. i know at times she may not be the healthiest thing for me but shes my best friend and i cant just leave her. its just not that easy. i may think that i should cause i just cant deal with everything but i dont, shes become apart of my life, shes my sister, i love her. just how all you guys have become a part of my life and theres no way i can just throw you guys away no matter what the condition. my love for all of you guys will never stop.
am i afraid of dieing? yeah i can say i am. im afraid of seeing you guys sad, im afraid of you guys getting mad at me, im afraid that you guys will feel guilty for not doing enough, im afraid of never getting to hold any of you guys anymore, not falling in love, not getting to experience all the things i wanted to do in life, im afraid that you guys will never know how much i love you all. im just afraid that you guys will never get a proper closure if i go and i wish i could show u all how much i love you and that if it came down to it id give my life for you so that u can see another day on this imperfect world. im not afraid of the death part, im just afraid that you guys will never know how i truely feel about all of you, that i will leave and you guys not get what you want.. am i selfless.. most of the time yes. i care too much about you guys and i just want you all to know that. but now ive just ignore myself for so long that its really hurting me not only emotionally but now physically and i really gotta just look out for me now. im sorrie
alright im in graphics again. only time i can really update this piece of shit. going to soccer practice today, kinda have too. missed practice a couple days. need to get in more condition. need to get more healthy. my weekend was ok could have been ALOT better but aww well cant complain life for me is always ok. havent seen brandon since wednesday, starting to have mixed feelings about him since he always seems to be stoned when i see him. but ill see.. hopefully things will go ok. im just not stable enough i think to have a boyfriend right now. the stresses in life are making me go crazy, i hate school so much now, i cant ever concentrate its terrible. i mean i never really used to hate it till now. life at home just seems to be an act for me, i go unnoticed and when im noticed i get bitched at cause i didnt do something or i did something but i didnt so it right. i want to go to the mainland so badly, i miss some friends so much, i want to get off this fuckin island. thats all i want for christmas is to get off this fuckin rock and actually do something. i hate christmas. its never pleasent for me. i need money i need a job. fuck im complaining so much. too much i wants and i needs. well u know what i dont give a fuck. ive been ignoring me alot lately, i just need to vent. kayla was being stupid last night. i dont know the horrid details but people called me asking about her and i wanted to call but i know she wouldnt be able to talk so im just hoping on faith that shes still alive.
you guys have no idea how much that shook me up when she first tried to hill herself. i know i shouldnt say that from that moment on its been down hill from there but it has. its just gone down hill so much that i dont think i can get back up. i confessed to lance that ive been hurting so much for so long yesterday, he says im really good at hiding it.. i wish i didnt tell him, but in some way he helped me, he helped me talk about problems that ive had bottled up for so long and im thankful for that but now i know that hes gonna be worried about me and i dont want that. he was scared to let me go home last night, i told him not to worry cause hey im still here.. woopty fuckin do. i wish i could go back to the days when i was happy, when i was truely happy. when i didnt hit high school and hit the stages of being a teen where you think everyone hates you and everyones out to get you to make your life miserable, where you think your parents are terrible and they all need to die when in actuallality there always there for you no matter what, they cant ever throw away someone they love unlike friends. where my mom didnt have all those surgerys and she was ok. you guys im worried. im so worried. kayla thinks i have leukimia or how ever you spell it, i think i have some bacteria thing with my stomach or just my immune system is failing on me again like it did so many years ago. you know people say that i should get new friends. that really pisses me off cause they have no idea. do people all the time go up to you and tell you to get new friends and stop hanging out with your best friend all the god damn time??? no so shut the fuck up. i know at times she may not be the healthiest thing for me but shes my best friend and i cant just leave her. its just not that easy. i may think that i should cause i just cant deal with everything but i dont, shes become apart of my life, shes my sister, i love her. just how all you guys have become a part of my life and theres no way i can just throw you guys away no matter what the condition. my love for all of you guys will never stop.
am i afraid of dieing? yeah i can say i am. im afraid of seeing you guys sad, im afraid of you guys getting mad at me, im afraid that you guys will feel guilty for not doing enough, im afraid of never getting to hold any of you guys anymore, not falling in love, not getting to experience all the things i wanted to do in life, im afraid that you guys will never know how much i love you all. im just afraid that you guys will never get a proper closure if i go and i wish i could show u all how much i love you and that if it came down to it id give my life for you so that u can see another day on this imperfect world. im not afraid of the death part, im just afraid that you guys will never know how i truely feel about all of you, that i will leave and you guys not get what you want.. am i selfless.. most of the time yes. i care too much about you guys and i just want you all to know that. but now ive just ignore myself for so long that its really hurting me not only emotionally but now physically and i really gotta just look out for me now. im sorrie