Accepting What Is.
I don't know where the phrase "It is what it is." came from but when I first heard it, so long ago I don't remember, I adopted it. Since that time it has sadly become cliche. It is apt for there are things in life we cannot change and sometimes all we can do is acknowledge them for what they are. Popeye-the-Sailor is the origin of another quote I've embraced, "I am what I am and that's all that I am." There is a definite connection between the first phrase and Popeye's motto of modesty. That connection is acceptance of who we are and the circumstances we face. To be genuine, this acceptance must be without ego, pretense or the pain of knowing we are not what we hoped to be in life. Regret has no place in acceptance.
Quite often in regret we find blame. I can think back to mistakes made and recall blame that was assigned to another for the decisions I made. Maturity, reflection and a healthy dose of introspection has gotten me beyond that stage in life. My miscues are many but blame falls on few. It was mostly me. It's my fault. As in writing, life requires revision as we discover new facts rendering past decisions and attitudes obsolete. We must adjust to new realities without lament for what we cannot control. It is what it is. We are what we are. Life goes on.
In acceptance we find recognition. I recognize I am human, a man who spends his life trying to be better today than I was yesterday and better yet tomorrow, but I frequently fail. For me tomorrow has meant the lives of my sons, James and Jeffrey, my dedication to their future and hope they have opportunity I was never offered.......or failed to seize.
This is where the pain of my son James' mental illness strikes the deepest. As parents we worked so hard at providing him the opportunities we did not have, or did not seize, as young adults. We made certain he did. We guided him as we were not. His education was top-notch and we paid with more than money, we paid in sacrifice. For our sacrifice we were rewarded with a young man of great academic achievement, a focus and dedication to his studies rivaled by few. We were proud. His reward was scholarships that eased our burden while strengthening his opportunities. James seized every one.
Parents are sometimes guilty of living their lives through their children. They're overbearing, manipulative and controlling. I like to think I live my life for my children, doing my best for them as I accept my human weakness and modest beginnings. I can do better even if it's only done by providing my boys with a better start and lessons learned from my mistakes with little cost to them......as I learned from my father.
Seeing James' cum laude achievement in political science, law school scholarship and hopes for a future in international law go down in flames is torment. By 22 I feel he achieved more than I did by 40 yet it's washed away by some genetic flaw I may have passed on to this gifted young scholar. I am what I am, he is what he is but he had so much promise to be more. I accept this pain as a mother accepts the pain of childbirth. It is part of being a parent. I wonder if the joy we experience as a parent is possible without the pain. It is our responsibility to accept both.
My hopes for my son have changed. Revision was required. I only hope to see him again, to cook for him, to make him laugh and tuck him in at night. There's is so much we took for granted when they were young, at home, safe in our arms. In less than one month my dear Jeffrey is off to college. My hopes for him are also high but I have learned to accept there are no guarantees. More revision of my attitudes. Like me and like James he is also human. Life is what it is and we must learn to accept who we are and the fate that awaits.
I'm not the confident parent I was one year ago. Fortune has taught me a lesson. My hopes and attitudes about my future and that of my son require revision as fate renders the best laid plans obsolete. I don't know if I have the means or the strength to do what is necessary to help James put the peices of his broken life back together. I would like the chance to find out. At this time I don't yet know what will be required. I only know it will be difficult.