Miles, Years, Grudges & Family
My family is a bit odd, okay, maybe more than a little. We're not very close, there are many miles between us and there seems to be little effort made in keeping in touch. It starts with our mother and trickles down from there.
I'm the oldest of five children, my brother Scott was born less than 22 months after me. We grew up together, shared a bedroom and fought like cat & dog. A seven year gap stood between Scott's birth and sister Nicole. At that point Mom's uterus went into hyper drive. Maybe she finally accepted Catholicism. Numbers 3, 4 & 5 popped out in just over a four year span, Nicole in 1970, Donna in 1972 and baby brother Glen in 1974.
I fed infants, changed diapers, and babysat my younger siblings throughout my pre-teen and teenage years. We were poor by middle class standards. Mom and dad both worked. I cooked many meals when their shifts overlapped. I would get home from school, do my paper route and come home to cook a meal for myself, four siblings and dad. It wasn't pretty.
I graduated high school in '79, went to work, attended trade school at night and moved out on my own shortly before my 20th birthday. Scott was flunking out of high school at the time and the little kids were 11, 9 and 7. By the time Glen hit his teens I was married, had a son, and we bought our first home. Nicole, Donna and Glen grew up without me. We were almost like separate families, Scott and I first, and the three little ones second. I believe this is the primary source of our distance.
I took my son James to visit Grandma and Grandpa a few times per month on weekends, his teenage aunts and uncle adored him, occasionally babysat. Everything was cool but over the years I noticed a pattern, Mom and Dad never called us, we always initiated contact, like 100% of the time. If I didn't drive to see them or call to invite them to our house, we'd never see them.
Scott died in an absurd accident in 1986 at the age of 25. Drug and alcohol abuse got the best of him. His death was very difficult on mom and dad who felt they failed him on some level.
Nicole moved in with her BF and Donna married young, both in the early 90's. Glen joined the Army after high school. The nest was suddenly empty but my parents did not have time to enjoy it. Dad died suddenly in '93, at age 52, on the day before Nicole's wedding.
Mom was left in a very difficult financial situation. We helped as best we could, and we saw a lot more of her to make sure she was okay. But still, I initiated all contact. She wouldn't even call me.
The one way relationship between us and my parents drove my wife crazy. She always made a huge deal of them making no effort to see our sons. I did not, "It is what it is". was my attitude, "I can only do my half of the relationship." I certainly wasn't going to make an issue and start a fight over it. I know my family, fights solve nothing. Anger leads to icy cold shoulders, never resolution. Of course she and I fought over it, because my wife loved to twist the knife. I considered the very strong possibility that my wife was a contributing factor, she was often condescending to my family.
I coached Little League baseball for twelve years. Every season, spring and fall, I gave Mom our game schedule with an invitation, "Pick a weekend game, come on down (11 miles away) to see the kids play and I'll grill dinner afterwards." Not once did Grandma see her grandsons play baseball. My in-laws would drive from Boston or Cape Cod once a year, 80 miles, to see a game .... and my wife turned that blade.
Mom remarried a few years after dad died, which made life easier for us sibs because we no longer had to worry about her day to day happiness and security. Her new husband seemed like a good guy, they're still married to this day.
I moved my family from Rhode Island to Arizona in 2002 and mom made it clear, "I will never fly out there to visit you.". I had extended an invitation to her and my siblings to come out any time to stay with us. Yes, her response was fucked up, but I didn't allow it to bother me because I was not shocked. To this day none of my siblings have come out.
Nicole rarely leaves our hometown or the immediate area she lives in, does not use the internet or email. She's living in 1989. We get along fine. I always see her when I fly home. She and her husband raised an adopted daughter and are good people, hard working. Since Scott's death Donna took the reigns as the new black sheep of the family. She's married with two sons, lives in Florida and hasn't spoken to mom in years. Grudges are one thing my family is really good at. Her husband is kind of a dick, long story, never mind. Glen has been all over the world, served in Korea, Kosovo during the Balkan War, served three tours in Iraq and is now a drill instructor at Fort Campbell, KY.
During my return home vacation in 2005 I lamented to Nicole that mom has never made an attempt to be part of my son's lives, she never calls me, and if it weren't for me reaching out I'd never see or speak to her. I wondered what I said or did to cause this, mom's known for bitterness and silent spite, but I wasn't going to press the issue. Her reply was, "Do you think it's just you? I live eight miles away and never hear from her. I do all the work. Glen and Donna have the same problem. It's not you, not us, it's Mom."
When I told mom I was divorcing my wife in 2006 she blamed my ex for everything, "Nancy never made us feel welcome in your home." Okay, I'll buy that, but that doesn't explain why she still doesn't call me in the years since my divorce. It doesn't explain years without birthday cards or Christmas gifts for my sons. There wasn't even a phone call on special days, like high school or college graduations. I've always made sure mom knew of these events, hoping she would at least send a card. I know, what was I thinking?
Over the years I've been in touch with Glen more than I am with my sisters, through emails, phone and now Facebook. He's confirmed what Nicole said, mom makes no effort to contact any of her children. This is one reason she and Donna no longer speak, one of many perceived slights. Donna has mom's grudge gene.
A while back I re-invited my brother to come out here .... and finally I've convinced him to visit us in PHX. He's flying in Friday, the 12th, and will be here five nights. I cannot wait to see him. I'll be shocked if I don't get teary eyed at some point discussing my regret that I have not seen him in many years, since the mid-90's.
I'm having my traditional Beer & BBQ Summit on Saturday with a few guys coming over for smoked ribs, chicken, beer, cigars and bullshit. We sometimes solve the world's problems, then forget what the solution was the next day due to alcohol. On Sunday we're going to an NFL game, Buffalo @ Arizona. Monday we're driving south to tour Kartchner Caverns and Tombstone for some campy touristy stuff. Tuesday is yet unplanned.
I'm calling mom tomorrow to check in and tell her Glen is coming out. I can't fully explain why our family is so distant, other than a country between us and some odd personalities. I'm glad to have this opportunity to bridge those miles and years between my baby bro and I. Maybe we'll discuss the family dysfunction but I don't really care to speak much of it. We can't make up for lost years, but we have this year, this visit, and I'm happy to have this chance to get to re-know my brother.
If you reached the end of this you deserve an hourly rate for being my therapist. Thanks.