Three Firemen, Two Cops, Two EMT's, Mom, Dad, Big Brother, a Hound Dog, and a Baby
I never knew calling 911 meant you'd have eleven people in your house, 9+1+1. And they don't arrive in the order you necessarily need them. The cops showed up first but the closest ambulance crew had been on call so it took them much longer to arrive. The fire engine got there second. As our pants-on-pants-off conflict raged on, firemen walked into the room.
My ex was telling them, in a very calm voice I assure you, how she can't stop the baby but I won't let her remove her pants. I had one thought. "Why the fuck is that fireman carrying an axe to a child birth?" Three large men stood beside our bed in full heavy yellow fire gear with hard hats, and one guy was wielding an enormous fire axe.
I heard more footsteps rushing up the stairs. Finally, it was the emergency medical technicians, and not a moment too soon. I was losing the battle of the britches.
They were a little blase about the predicament we were in. "No problem sir, we'll get your wife to the hospital. Everything will be fine."
"I'm not going to make it to the goddamn hospital! I'm having this baby right here." ... my wife assured the EMT in charge. The other guy looked like he was 16, a rookie, and a little red faced at my wife's half-pantsed appearance.
The top guy sent him downstairs to get the collapsible stretcher because there's no way a wheeled unit was going up and down those narrow stairs. The debate wore on about whether we'd get to the hospital. The scene was chaotic and our hound was in the middle of it.
"Get that dog out of here!", the EMT yelled at me. Charlie's paws never touched a stair as I removed him from the house. Sorry Charlie.
When I returned the EMT's had the stretcher on the bed. I grabbed my wife's ankles, they had her arms and shoulders. Her pants were at her knees. "Okay, everyone lift on three. Ready? One .... two ...."
"I can feel his head between my legs!", she screamed.
I looked down to see the top of my son's head peaking out, almost crowning. I dropped her legs and fell to my knees.
I won't even attempt to type the sound of a baby flying out of his mother. It was a wet swoosh. Technically, I delivered my son on the edge of our queen sized bed. The truth is, I just caught him so he wouldn't fall on the floor. It's the least a father could do on your birthday. I can only imagine the look on my face, but I know what three fireman and two EMT's looked like. Eyes and mouths were wide open, like the last thing they expected was a baby. Duh.
My alarm clock was right there. It read 1:33 AM.
"Get the gear!", the senior EMT sent the kid down to fetch a toolbox. They came prepared for transport, not delivery. I don't think the young man's feet touched a step on the way down.
To my relief Jeffrey started crying within seconds of landing in my hands. I cradled him while the EMT's got their act together. I did a quick count of fingers and toes, two ears, eyes, nose, two nuts and one penis. I gave my verbal report to mom. "He's all good, everything accounted for."
"Would you like to cut the chord?", the EMT asked, offering me a pair of scissors. I looked up at the huge fire axe wondering .... never mind. "No, you cut it. I have my hands full." The man handed the scissors to the kid. It was the first child birth for the pimply faced junior EMT. He face was red, now it was ash.
We wrapped Jeffrey's eight pounds ten ounces in a blanket. I carried him down the stairs, out the side door, and down the icy driveway with firemen flanking me for safety. I asked a cop if he could let Charlie back in the house and lock the door on his way out. My wife was loaded into the ambulance. I handed her our impatient baby boy for the ride to the hospital. James rode up front with the EMTs operating the siren.
I climbed into our ice encased Ford which had been running for an hour, put it in reverse and rammed it through the wall of ice boulders at the foot of the driveway. I followed the flashing red lights to the hospital. Women & Infants was expecting us.
My son was eager to get out of the womb, 65 minutes from water breaking to life on the outside. It would be a sign of things to come. He was very impatient as a child but he's mellowed out over the 20+ years since our 911 call.