(no subject)
i had this moment yesterday when the final sentence of the assignment i was writing came to me, like my brain had turned a sharp corner and was faced with a cement wall. strangely enough it was positive, the first time an essay of mine written in german had a somewhat interesting and i think well explained original point. we all know it is easy to write something long-ish because you have the time and space to explain something with many words, this seemed more powerful because it was a very short assignment, a concise smatter of words about graffiti as "protest" and celan's "spracheproblematik" with german and post-war identity blah blah blah: "Der Tod ist ein Meister aus Deutschland."
and today the sun is shining and i have moved the laptop from the couch to the proper writing desk because i have to basically sit here for the next many hours fighting with my final paper. the first round! i was thinking it would be easier to re-work an old one of mine originally written in english and simply transform my ideas to german. the issue is the way i express myself in english and in german is entirely different and the normal structure of an essay in german is also another world to one written in english, so it has been tormenting me even though i really haven't started it yet. the 'starting' of a long assignment is always an internal thing, but this process of thinking has always been done in english for me and now i feel the real disappointment of my inability to do the same in german; the idea of switching/translating these thoughts has made me lie on my bed for most of the day already, staring at the clouds whipping across the sky, and opening and closing my windows to the crows and the wind.
i have given up the idea that one day i will simply get it because i need the challenge. i like not knowing everything, i like calculating the possibilities of certain connotations of the words i use, i like putting in use small new words i have discovered, trying to slip them in seamlessly to the stories i try to drunkenly tell the other students in my class or quietly to myself before i fall asleep.
and this is it. after i type these ten (?) pages i am finished for the summer, with time left over for sitting stress-free in the parks and making lines in small blank books that will connect eventually to each other. i will then be able to fill in my own blanks, and maybe reach out my small hand for the one you offered me the other night because it made me smile.
and today the sun is shining and i have moved the laptop from the couch to the proper writing desk because i have to basically sit here for the next many hours fighting with my final paper. the first round! i was thinking it would be easier to re-work an old one of mine originally written in english and simply transform my ideas to german. the issue is the way i express myself in english and in german is entirely different and the normal structure of an essay in german is also another world to one written in english, so it has been tormenting me even though i really haven't started it yet. the 'starting' of a long assignment is always an internal thing, but this process of thinking has always been done in english for me and now i feel the real disappointment of my inability to do the same in german; the idea of switching/translating these thoughts has made me lie on my bed for most of the day already, staring at the clouds whipping across the sky, and opening and closing my windows to the crows and the wind.
i have given up the idea that one day i will simply get it because i need the challenge. i like not knowing everything, i like calculating the possibilities of certain connotations of the words i use, i like putting in use small new words i have discovered, trying to slip them in seamlessly to the stories i try to drunkenly tell the other students in my class or quietly to myself before i fall asleep.
and this is it. after i type these ten (?) pages i am finished for the summer, with time left over for sitting stress-free in the parks and making lines in small blank books that will connect eventually to each other. i will then be able to fill in my own blanks, and maybe reach out my small hand for the one you offered me the other night because it made me smile.