(no subject)
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in
the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest.
Here's what the kids came up with:
Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the... bug is close.
It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... termites.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than... the pigs.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.
Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is... not much.
Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.
None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to
blow your nose.
They're written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy.......
I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned.... That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned.... That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.
I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned ... That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STANDUP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he "lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS
Police in Oakland, California, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up"
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnaped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No" the man shouted, "This is her husband"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
8. THE GRAND FINALE
This is a true story Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. (REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE) Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. CONCLUSION: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."
Top 8 Idiots of 2001
Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison
control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught
her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants arenot
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the
hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that
she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I
told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.
Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it
out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a
Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out
that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that
activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign guys. Don't get it
wet, the paint might run.
Idiot # 3 - A true story out of San Francisco:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and
wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."While standing in
line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone
had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached
the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to
Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the
Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit
slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or
go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and
left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign He probably couldn't read
it anyway.
Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured
his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent
the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a
letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40. Another sign (though this guy might be onto
something worth thinking about)!
Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the
cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused
and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he
was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe
him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and
gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in
fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the
store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name
and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber
two hours later.> (Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!)
Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved,
the startled first bandit shot him. (This guy doesn't need a sign, he
probably figured it out himself.)
Idiot # 7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious Seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. (Oh, that smarts. Give
him his sign!)
Idiot # 8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded
cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said
they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Please note that these people are allowed to vote.
THE FIRST AFFAIR
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough,
nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed
to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see
the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that
there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two
beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked,
"Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said,
"Not this time."
THE SECOND AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an
amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be
cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this - it has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the
dead man's unit. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it
home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show
you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my God!"
she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
THE THIRD AFFAIR
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't
move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's
just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their
bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when
they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went
to the kitchen and returned while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an
idiot at
the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water."
THE FOURTH AFFAIR
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for
a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a
fried
egg?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real
money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR
cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman
replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your
wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
THE FIFTH AFFAIR
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to
move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she
said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his
tired voice "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess,"
replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I...I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know" Becky whispered
softly. "That's why I poisoned you"
SIXTH AFFAIR
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his
wife with endearing terms-Honey, MY Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin,
etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still
very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over
and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these
years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his
head.
"I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10
years
ago."
the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest.
Here's what the kids came up with:
Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the... bug is close.
It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... termites.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than... the pigs.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.
Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is... not much.
Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.
None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to
blow your nose.
They're written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy.......
I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned.... That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned.... That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.
I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned ... That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STANDUP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he "lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS
Police in Oakland, California, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up"
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnaped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No" the man shouted, "This is her husband"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
8. THE GRAND FINALE
This is a true story Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. (REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE) Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. CONCLUSION: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."
Top 8 Idiots of 2001
Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison
control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught
her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants arenot
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the
hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that
she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I
told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.
Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it
out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a
Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out
that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that
activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign guys. Don't get it
wet, the paint might run.
Idiot # 3 - A true story out of San Francisco:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and
wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."While standing in
line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone
had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached
the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to
Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the
Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit
slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or
go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and
left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign He probably couldn't read
it anyway.
Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured
his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent
the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a
letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40. Another sign (though this guy might be onto
something worth thinking about)!
Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the
cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused
and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he
was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe
him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and
gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in
fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the
store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name
and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber
two hours later.> (Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!)
Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved,
the startled first bandit shot him. (This guy doesn't need a sign, he
probably figured it out himself.)
Idiot # 7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious Seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. (Oh, that smarts. Give
him his sign!)
Idiot # 8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded
cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said
they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Please note that these people are allowed to vote.
THE FIRST AFFAIR
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough,
nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed
to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see
the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that
there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two
beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked,
"Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said,
"Not this time."
THE SECOND AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an
amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be
cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this - it has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the
dead man's unit. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it
home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show
you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my God!"
she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
THE THIRD AFFAIR
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't
move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's
just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their
bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when
they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went
to the kitchen and returned while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an
idiot at
the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water."
THE FOURTH AFFAIR
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for
a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a
fried
egg?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real
money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR
cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman
replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your
wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
THE FIFTH AFFAIR
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to
move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she
said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his
tired voice "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess,"
replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I...I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know" Becky whispered
softly. "That's why I poisoned you"
SIXTH AFFAIR
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his
wife with endearing terms-Honey, MY Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin,
etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still
very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over
and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these
years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his
head.
"I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10
years
ago."