ok
So. I'm home. And I'm tired.
Toronto... ummmm if I go, that'll be a trip I have to make alone. Which is okay - I'm all about the traveling, even if it's alone. And I kind of knew that was coming, anyway. It's the staying there alone I don't want to do. So if I go, it'll be the red-eye flight there tomorrow night and the return on Thursday afternoon. I'll be jetlagged like a fucking bitch but sometimes you have to make sacrifices and I don't want to be gone too long, especially when I'm worried about someone. Not only that but school starts tomorrow and, well.. I might as well TRY to kick off this semester on the right foot.
I might not even go. Tomorrow I'll call Dr. McLean's office and find out if he'll even see me. A student visa SHOULD grant me access but fuck knows. This country's already screwed me inside out and sideways so what's one more brick wall in my face?
I have an appointment with Jim Oulton on the 24th. I can't wait to tell him how insane I've been about my body.
The other day I realized why my hips are like.. mis-shapen. Heh. I have one feminine hip and one male one. What the fuck? Like it's bad enough I'm pretty much half boy, half girl.. my body even has to rub it in by BEING half male, half female.. LITERALLY? What the fuck. Sometimes I feel like such a freak.
So I noticed this and just started lifting weights like it's no one's business. Like by making it up in upper body mass, I'm going to feel better about myself. I know it won't help. But I want to have at least SOMETHING that looks good about me in order to make up for my flaws.
See? This is the shit I never TOLD Jim Oulton. This is why he thinks I'm this fucking perfect little wannabe tranny boy with no issues about his body. But I have the same issues as anyone else. Just cos I don't sit there and bawl my eyes out and hate EVERYBODY doesn't mean I don't have issues with my body. It's completely unsuitable to me. It's not right. Sometimes I wish I could just be one way or the other. But no, I have to be an in-between kind of person and I have to pick a direction to go. But being feminine is not me and never was. There's never been anything feminine about me. I've always had a deep voice that made little girls giggle. I've always walked like a guy. I've always had the mannerisms of a guy. If I try to act feminine, people laugh at me even more.
My height doesn't help. Oh my god, if there's one thing I'd change about myself in a HEARTBEAT, it's my height. Just another inch or two. That's it. Come on. Really. What the fuck. Why do I have to be flawed EVERYWHERE?! I'm short, my feet are huge, my hands are sweaty, my hips don't match, my knees are fucking retarded.. and my fucking HEAD.. Don't even get me STARTED on my HEAD. God FORBID my hair could grow in like a normal person's. And my head's a weird shape. Oh, don't I know it.
Ugh. Whatever. I don't need a fucking pity party. I just really hate my body. There ARE things I like about myself. I like my eyes and my skin.. it's soft, I rarely get pimples, most of my scars heal well. I have some moles which are dumb but whatever. My back's not bad.. my arms are okay. My stomach used to be great but now it has some belly fat.. which is ok - I can get rid of that.
I'm just so annoyed about the whole trans thing sometimes and how my body seems to MOCK me.
Whaaaatever. I've had enough of this self-hating crap. That's the end of THAT rant. Case closed - moving on.
Did I mention I was tired? I hardly slept last night and now I'm sitting here, watery-eyed, yawning constantly and almost comatose. The only thing active about me are my fingers typing this crap. And I guess an EEG (electroencephalograph) would show some interesting patterns in my "brain waves." I wonder where all the electical activity is right now. I think someone should do an EEG on me while I'm typing all these entries and see what's going on in there. It could be fun.
I think I'm going to go read and then pass out. I have a LOT to do tomorrow, including a possible flight.
Toronto... ummmm if I go, that'll be a trip I have to make alone. Which is okay - I'm all about the traveling, even if it's alone. And I kind of knew that was coming, anyway. It's the staying there alone I don't want to do. So if I go, it'll be the red-eye flight there tomorrow night and the return on Thursday afternoon. I'll be jetlagged like a fucking bitch but sometimes you have to make sacrifices and I don't want to be gone too long, especially when I'm worried about someone. Not only that but school starts tomorrow and, well.. I might as well TRY to kick off this semester on the right foot.
I might not even go. Tomorrow I'll call Dr. McLean's office and find out if he'll even see me. A student visa SHOULD grant me access but fuck knows. This country's already screwed me inside out and sideways so what's one more brick wall in my face?
I have an appointment with Jim Oulton on the 24th. I can't wait to tell him how insane I've been about my body.
The other day I realized why my hips are like.. mis-shapen. Heh. I have one feminine hip and one male one. What the fuck? Like it's bad enough I'm pretty much half boy, half girl.. my body even has to rub it in by BEING half male, half female.. LITERALLY? What the fuck. Sometimes I feel like such a freak.
So I noticed this and just started lifting weights like it's no one's business. Like by making it up in upper body mass, I'm going to feel better about myself. I know it won't help. But I want to have at least SOMETHING that looks good about me in order to make up for my flaws.
See? This is the shit I never TOLD Jim Oulton. This is why he thinks I'm this fucking perfect little wannabe tranny boy with no issues about his body. But I have the same issues as anyone else. Just cos I don't sit there and bawl my eyes out and hate EVERYBODY doesn't mean I don't have issues with my body. It's completely unsuitable to me. It's not right. Sometimes I wish I could just be one way or the other. But no, I have to be an in-between kind of person and I have to pick a direction to go. But being feminine is not me and never was. There's never been anything feminine about me. I've always had a deep voice that made little girls giggle. I've always walked like a guy. I've always had the mannerisms of a guy. If I try to act feminine, people laugh at me even more.
My height doesn't help. Oh my god, if there's one thing I'd change about myself in a HEARTBEAT, it's my height. Just another inch or two. That's it. Come on. Really. What the fuck. Why do I have to be flawed EVERYWHERE?! I'm short, my feet are huge, my hands are sweaty, my hips don't match, my knees are fucking retarded.. and my fucking HEAD.. Don't even get me STARTED on my HEAD. God FORBID my hair could grow in like a normal person's. And my head's a weird shape. Oh, don't I know it.
Ugh. Whatever. I don't need a fucking pity party. I just really hate my body. There ARE things I like about myself. I like my eyes and my skin.. it's soft, I rarely get pimples, most of my scars heal well. I have some moles which are dumb but whatever. My back's not bad.. my arms are okay. My stomach used to be great but now it has some belly fat.. which is ok - I can get rid of that.
I'm just so annoyed about the whole trans thing sometimes and how my body seems to MOCK me.
Whaaaatever. I've had enough of this self-hating crap. That's the end of THAT rant. Case closed - moving on.
Did I mention I was tired? I hardly slept last night and now I'm sitting here, watery-eyed, yawning constantly and almost comatose. The only thing active about me are my fingers typing this crap. And I guess an EEG (electroencephalograph) would show some interesting patterns in my "brain waves." I wonder where all the electical activity is right now. I think someone should do an EEG on me while I'm typing all these entries and see what's going on in there. It could be fun.
I think I'm going to go read and then pass out. I have a LOT to do tomorrow, including a possible flight.