Dana-isms 1
After I had watched a survival program about a man whose face was bitten off by a bear:
Jeanine: if a bear bit off my face, would you still love me?
Dana: well, it sounds as though you and that other guy would make a perfect couple.
Jeanine: After a two minute pause So what you’re telling me is that, no, you would not love me if my face had been bitten off by a bear?
Jeanine: if I went blind, deaf and mute, would you still love me?
Dana: well, you would stop complaining. So - yes.
Jeanine: promise me you’ll never kill Me.
Dana: I promise I will never kill you, pookie.
He finalized the deal with a kiss on my cheek.
Dana: you’re special.
Jeanine: special? Like helmet-special? Or like short bus special?
Dana: no, pookie, you’re special to me.
He also went through a fifteen-minute spree of letting me ask him any and every question under the sun:
Me: If I grew a penis would you still love me? Him: Is it a full grown penis or a nub? Me: A nub at first, growing eventually into a full grown penis. Him: yes, in some ways I would.
Me: If you could change anything about me what would you change? Him: mentally or physically? Me: Either or. Him: *thinking* I would want you to have hair on your boobs so I could get it caught in my teeth. Me: *looking at him seriously* So if you could have anything about me changed at all... you’d put hair on my chest? Him: *laughing after realizing how ridiculous that sounded* Ok, I’d want your cooter [read: my naughty bits] shaved.
Me: What’s your favorite food? Him: Ham. Me: Lunch meat or baked ham? Him: Lunch meat, but two days before it goes bad with a thin layer of ooze.
Dana’s quote of the month: "Pookie, your wit never seems to amaze me."
Me: I’m not going to be insulted when you’re mean. I know it’s totally out of affection and love.
Him: Pookie, shut up.
Jeanine: Do we know what time it is?
Dana: Yes. It’s time for you to give me snuggy.
Dana: mumble mumble
Jeanine: What??
Dana: mumble mumble
Jeanine: What are you saying? I can't understand you.
Dana: mumble mumble la la la.
Jeanine: What?! Pookie, I can't understand you. You're making sesame street sounds!
Dana: My cootus-cakes, skilled in the art of sucker-dom.
Jeanine: And I’ve had such a great teacher!
After purchasing the dumbest leopard print shirt with an equally dumb matching hat, Dana was wearing the hat while driving:
Jeanine: Pook, that chick was so checking out your hat!
Dana: Yeah, she knows where da flava’s at.
As he was relentlessly tickling me, me gasping for air during fits of giggles:
Dana: Oh no! What’s happening to you?? There’s trouble in pookie-ville!!!
Dana: Dabah dabah?
Jeanine: Dabah dabah.
Jeanine: Say something cute.
Dana: *blank stare - moment of silence - bursts out laughing*
Jeanine: I’m sorry, I’m afraid you’ve failed miserably. That was not cute.
Dana: I don’t know if I’m sick or if it’s allergies. . . . But I do know you’re a cutie cake.
Dana: *singing* my pookie has a first name, it’s s-u-c-k-a!
Dana: Ok, sweetie, be carefer.
Jeanine: I’m sorry, what?
Dana: Be carefer.
Jeanine: That’s what I thought you said.
Dana: singing in the tune of Oscar Myer Wiener My bunghole has a first name, it’s a-s-s hole.
Jeanine: Pookie, that was dumb.
Dana: Haha! Yeah. It was.
five minutes later
Dana: My bunghole has a first name, it’s b-u-t-t hole!
Jeanine: That was much better.
Dana: Yeah. I just needed some time.
Dana: I’m a genius.
Jeanine: I know! How ever did you get so smart??
Dana: certainly not from listening to you.
Dana: What is this magical sucka-spell you’re under?
Jeanine: What if I have SARS and I die? Would you say my eulogy? Would you? I’d really want you to. Pookie? Hello?
Dana: Shut it. You’re giving me cooties.
Jeanine: Don’t look at my butt-crack, it’s hanging out of my pants.
Dana: sticks his finger in said butt-crack I’m not looking!
Dana: Your butt has a crack in it.
Jeanine: I know, it’s broken. I think I’m going to trade it for a smaller model.
Jeanine: One day it'll be warm.
Dana: What?!
Jeanine: You heard me!
Three minutes later:
Jeanine: What I said was "One day it'll be warm.... and there will be much rejoicing."
Dana: Uh, yeah! I heard you the first time.
Jeanine: if a bear bit off my face, would you still love me?
Dana: well, it sounds as though you and that other guy would make a perfect couple.
Jeanine: After a two minute pause So what you’re telling me is that, no, you would not love me if my face had been bitten off by a bear?
Jeanine: if I went blind, deaf and mute, would you still love me?
Dana: well, you would stop complaining. So - yes.
Jeanine: promise me you’ll never kill Me.
Dana: I promise I will never kill you, pookie.
He finalized the deal with a kiss on my cheek.
Dana: you’re special.
Jeanine: special? Like helmet-special? Or like short bus special?
Dana: no, pookie, you’re special to me.
He also went through a fifteen-minute spree of letting me ask him any and every question under the sun:
Me: If I grew a penis would you still love me? Him: Is it a full grown penis or a nub? Me: A nub at first, growing eventually into a full grown penis. Him: yes, in some ways I would.
Me: If you could change anything about me what would you change? Him: mentally or physically? Me: Either or. Him: *thinking* I would want you to have hair on your boobs so I could get it caught in my teeth. Me: *looking at him seriously* So if you could have anything about me changed at all... you’d put hair on my chest? Him: *laughing after realizing how ridiculous that sounded* Ok, I’d want your cooter [read: my naughty bits] shaved.
Me: What’s your favorite food? Him: Ham. Me: Lunch meat or baked ham? Him: Lunch meat, but two days before it goes bad with a thin layer of ooze.
Dana’s quote of the month: "Pookie, your wit never seems to amaze me."
Me: I’m not going to be insulted when you’re mean. I know it’s totally out of affection and love.
Him: Pookie, shut up.
Jeanine: Do we know what time it is?
Dana: Yes. It’s time for you to give me snuggy.
Dana: mumble mumble
Jeanine: What??
Dana: mumble mumble
Jeanine: What are you saying? I can't understand you.
Dana: mumble mumble la la la.
Jeanine: What?! Pookie, I can't understand you. You're making sesame street sounds!
Dana: My cootus-cakes, skilled in the art of sucker-dom.
Jeanine: And I’ve had such a great teacher!
After purchasing the dumbest leopard print shirt with an equally dumb matching hat, Dana was wearing the hat while driving:
Jeanine: Pook, that chick was so checking out your hat!
Dana: Yeah, she knows where da flava’s at.
As he was relentlessly tickling me, me gasping for air during fits of giggles:
Dana: Oh no! What’s happening to you?? There’s trouble in pookie-ville!!!
Dana: Dabah dabah?
Jeanine: Dabah dabah.
Jeanine: Say something cute.
Dana: *blank stare - moment of silence - bursts out laughing*
Jeanine: I’m sorry, I’m afraid you’ve failed miserably. That was not cute.
Dana: I don’t know if I’m sick or if it’s allergies. . . . But I do know you’re a cutie cake.
Dana: *singing* my pookie has a first name, it’s s-u-c-k-a!
Dana: Ok, sweetie, be carefer.
Jeanine: I’m sorry, what?
Dana: Be carefer.
Jeanine: That’s what I thought you said.
Dana: singing in the tune of Oscar Myer Wiener My bunghole has a first name, it’s a-s-s hole.
Jeanine: Pookie, that was dumb.
Dana: Haha! Yeah. It was.
five minutes later
Dana: My bunghole has a first name, it’s b-u-t-t hole!
Jeanine: That was much better.
Dana: Yeah. I just needed some time.
Dana: I’m a genius.
Jeanine: I know! How ever did you get so smart??
Dana: certainly not from listening to you.
Dana: What is this magical sucka-spell you’re under?
Jeanine: What if I have SARS and I die? Would you say my eulogy? Would you? I’d really want you to. Pookie? Hello?
Dana: Shut it. You’re giving me cooties.
Jeanine: Don’t look at my butt-crack, it’s hanging out of my pants.
Dana: sticks his finger in said butt-crack I’m not looking!
Dana: Your butt has a crack in it.
Jeanine: I know, it’s broken. I think I’m going to trade it for a smaller model.
Jeanine: One day it'll be warm.
Dana: What?!
Jeanine: You heard me!
Three minutes later:
Jeanine: What I said was "One day it'll be warm.... and there will be much rejoicing."
Dana: Uh, yeah! I heard you the first time.