Wet Dreams (Monk/Stottlemeyer, NC-17)

[daasgrrl]

Eh, just getting this off my hard drive. Hooray for obscure fandoms *g*.

Title: Wet Dreams
By: daasgrrl
Pairing: Monk/Stottlemeyer
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 2,000
Summary: Ummm… shower smut?
Beta: Thanks to evila_elf for the look over. She doesn’t like or watch Monk, so unfortunately can’t be blamed for anything.
Notes: I’m afraid I left all pretensions to ‘plot’

Comments

[thsfuhqinsux]

LOL! Yes! I wanted to inspire, and I am so glad I did. And yes, I think I know exactly which one you mean ;0). I've gotten lots of positive reactions to that one.

And squonk introduced me to the theory that anything, no matter how impossible it may seem, can be written believably of the writer is good enough. The fact that I was able to make you see Randy as hot is a *huge* compliment to me, and you should feel super proud of yourself for this story for the same reason.

Firstly, again, I am so very flattered and thrilled with the dedication and knowledge that my fic had anything to do with your inspiration. Thank you!

Now, let the commentary begin!

This first paragraph is just unbelievably in character and so funny. I knew I couldn’t be the only person to ever wonder if the soap was clean enough and if soap could actually be dirty, but the fact that Adrian doesn’t question whether or not it can be dirty, just if it’s clean enough is wonderful and perfect. And the fact that being naked offsets the strong desire to be clean a little bit so that he doesn’t spend forever in the shower.

I love the timer, but I can’t help but wonder whose idea the timer was. Really, whether it was Leland’s or Adrian’s it’s hilarious and I have no problem imagining it. And again, as with the other fic, I love the understated way you mention it, just dropping it in there without bothering to give an explanation, because it obviously made sense to someone, right? I can’t love your subtlety enough.

I liked that there wasn’t a lot of verbal communication here, but a ton of other kinds of communication. Leland isn’t a big talker, as easy as he is with physical communications, usually, especially about intimate things, he’s so uneasy with it that he is even a little hesitant and awkward about how he touches sometimes (see the homecoming scene of Captain‘s Wife, the way he‘s a little awkward about touching Karen when he gives her the new camera), and Adrian isn’t a big talker about sex. The lack of speech along with all of this taking place in the shower gives an added feeling of intimacy to the story; that they know each other so well that words aren’t needed that much and the shower has kind of the feeling of being in a bubble or a confessional. Plus the setting is good for the fact that the shower is probably the only place Adrian would be able to do it, and the ‘white noise’ sound of the running water would most likely be soothing to Adrian. The only thing is that standing up in a shower makes this particular activity a little more challenging. But I guess maybe not as much for two people who are of similar heights. And Leland’s legs are a little shorter than Adrian’s, even if he is slightly taller.

to be continued...

[thsfuhqinsux]

The Towel- So much love. From Adrian wanting to pick it up, to Leland knowing that he was thinking about it, and telling him not to, to Adrian forgetting about it. I always figured that while making love, Adrian’s mind would stop working, or at least go into ‘Energy Saver Mode’! “Towel? There was a towel? What about it?” And this goes with my theory that Leland likes a challenge! Drop the towel and then challenge himself to make Adrian forget about it.

Then Leland’s mouth was on the side of his neck, soft and prickly and intense, and Adrian moaned.

Gulp! So did I, I think. That was a very, very good description. Wow.

I am especially in love with how you have Adrian having a hard time thinking about what they are doing, unable to actually even think the words, and how he can’t bear the idea of looking down for fear of seeing himself like that, or at all, and taking comfort in thinking about being clean at least.

“Come on, now… like that...”

Okay, now you don’t have them saying much, but when you do…Damn. This, I could just imagine the way Leland would sound saying it, along with the sound of the water, their breathing, I could clearly picture it in my mind. This tiny bit of dialogue and the descriptions of Leland’s actions and Adrian’s reactions, the water, not being able to speak or catch his breath. And the continued references to being clean, feeling clean so this is okay, it seems to plainly be saying, at least to me, that ‘clean’ in Adrian’s mind, here, isn’t exactly anything to do with dirt and/or germs and everything to do with his mental state.

What he didn’t want was to think about it.

This is so perfectly Adrian. And it’s handy that he can’t really think while he’s having sex?

If cleanliness were next to godliness, then only running water could give him absolution for his sins.

For some reason, this was both funny and sad, but made perfect Adrian sense.

I loved “There was the soft press of Leland’s lips against his cheek, and then the shower door opened and he was gone, leaving Adrian with his hands still firmly in place, head bowed, wet and shivering in the sudden chill.”

TBC again

[thsfuhqinsux]

And I like that the things about Trudy make sense as a possibility for how sex was between them, it is believable, it makes more sense than the ‘Trudy was absolutely perfect and everything about the marriage was perfect’ theory at least. Trudy couldn’t have been perfect, and their marriage couldn’t have been either, but I tend to believe that especially now, Adrian just remembers everything about her and them as perfect or so close that it might as well be, and you can see it in the way you described how he thought about his sexual relationship with her, it also makes it seem like maybe he was being protective of her and her memory when Dr. Kroger asked about it in PaperBoy, like he didn‘t want to betray her by telling Dr. Kroger about something that she was so sensitive about, to the point of feeling defective, but later he blurted out to Sherry that they had ‘gone all the way’ in Little Monk. And I can believe without a doubt that even while she was alive, he wouldn’t be resentful about her not wanting to have sex. He knows how horrible it is to feel defective, and wouldn’t want to make her feel that way, he would have accepted it, and even internalized it so that he felt guilty for having normal human desires, that he was abnormal for wanting and enjoying, even a little bit, something she didn’t. He would have undoubtedly felt like he was crude and the act was disgusting (as your wording ‘even as he gasped and thrust away on top of her’ implies), in his mind it was a flaw in him, and knowing that she hated it would have made it hard to enjoy for him, so it would show that in at least one small, very private way, Trudy damaged him, and the damage became worse after she was murdered, though I’m sure it was unintentional. But that’s just the way life is, there is no healing without scarring of some kind, no treatment completely free of side effects, no relationship that is entirely positive or negative, and considering how he feels about her, if this was the one area where she left any damage, I’d say he still had seven years of an unbelievably good, wonderful marriage, and she was still a saint, or as close to one as you can get.
The only thing is that having this part here, it feels sort of awkward, like it gives the reader time to ‘cool off’, puts their mind on something else, then comes back to Leland and Adrian in the shower. However, since it led to a comparison, how different it was with Leland, how it felt so different to feel wanted sexually by someone, and that he was beginning to believe that it was okay to want things like this, it doesn’t allow the intense emotions of the scene fade too much before it starts to fan them again. In fact, having the part about Trudy in there kind of lends a bit more credibility to the idea that Adrian would even allow this; because even with Trudy, being seen as sexually desirable is not something he’s accustomed to, and deep down where he doesn’t recognize it for what it is, it’s kind of overwhelming and intoxicating, and it makes him more willing to risk or do a lot of things he wouldn’t normally in order to have that. It puts him out of himself enough that he can actually feel like someone else, and to be ‘clean’. The fact that he knows that Leland wants this, wants him too, rather than just being there and submitting to it even though he hates it, makes a huge difference, but there are other things that help make it possible as well.

TBC again...

[thsfuhqinsux]

The descriptions of him feeling awkward, embarrassed and ashamed. The shame is overridden by the fact that Leland is willing, even wanting to touch him, but it plays other parts as well. In Adrian’s mind, the embarrassment, shame and awkwardness are also part of a weird coping mechanism. With Adrian, he’s afraid of being caught by surprise by something negative, there is no such thing as a purely wonderful, positive experience, especially where his sexuality or anything concerning him is concerned, so he’s afraid to just enjoy things, he needs to see something negative because then he feels a little safer that he won’t get taken by surprise. He probably feels a bit safer to enjoy this with Leland more if he can identify where it’s not perfect, he takes a little comfort in his shame, embarrassment and awkwardness. He’s afraid to believe in his own happiness. Also why he’s afraid or unable to admit how much he wants this physical intimacy, because if he admits it, he’s afraid it will be taken away from him.

“The first time Leland had touched him there, he had been clean inside and out, completely prepared for it to happen, and he’d panicked all the same. In time he had learned to bear it - the anxiety over his own cleanliness, the invasion of his body, the overwhelming rush of sensation beyond his control - but the shock still rushed through him anew every single time.”

I have been struggling since yesterday to put into words how much I liked this and why, and all I could come up with was woefully inadequate; the best I could manage to come up with is to say that the first, second and third time I read that passage, my throat got so tight I could barely breathe, and I knew exactly how he felt, and it was wholly believable and very in character; there’s just no way that he can fully brace and prepare himself for being touched in such an extremely intimate way. He’s going to feel incredibly vulnerable and there’s no way he can put up walls and protect himself once it happens, and he can’t control himself because it’s too much, and I liked the language you used, the word choices and the descriptions of panic, anxiety, the use of the phrase ‘prepared for it to happen’ that brings to mind actions that are beyond his control, things that are done to him, lending the notion of non-consensual actions, the phrase ‘he’d learned to bear it…’ , the words ‘invasion’ and ‘shock’… all things that usually have frightening, negative connotations, and yet, he’s willing to allow it, he even wants it, even if it is frightening to him. His need to feel wanted sexually, his need for physical intimacy and the amount of trust he’d have to place in Leland to have that with him really hit’s a string note in me. He’s not simply bearing it, submitting to this to make Leland happy, he wants it too, and he trusts and loves Leland enough to be able to do it, even if it means having to ‘learn to bear it’, and experiencing all these unpleasant things along with it. The reason for him doing it trumps his fears, self doubt and everything else, no question.

[thsfuhqinsux]

“Okay?” Leland said gently, but Adrian could only nod, eyes closed, head turned away. The water cascaded down his face like tears as Leland soothed him, stroked him, forced him to relax under his touch. He tried to think of nothing but Leland’s hands on his skin, Leland’s mouth on his neck, letting his body respond the way it wanted to.

Damnit. I whimper and my eyes water a little every time I read that. I can very easily see Adrian like this, and I can’t help but to wonder if all of that is really water cascading down his face and the real reason he can only do this in the shower. And it’s too easy to imagine Adrian having *allow* his body to enjoy it. I would imagine it’s more difficult for him to do than one might think.

“Breathe.” It was as much command as it was reassurance, and Adrian clung to the direction, letting the discomfort slowly crest and fade. Then Leland’s hand was on him again, moving up and down, and Adrian brought one of his own to cover it, wanting the comfort of that secondary connection between them. His head was spinning. Everything was blending into one now, the splash of the water, the strain in his legs, the smell of soap and musk, the growing harshness of Leland’s breathing, the raw, ungovernable pleasure blossoming inside him with each movement, demanding that he give in to it, and soon.

I just read that paragraph about five times because there are things I want to say about it, but I keep forgetting what they are by the time I get to the end. I’ll do my best, though.

I liked Adrian clinging to and taking comfort from the command. I liked the reality of the discomfort and even the mention of pain, but, although I’m sure I have an explanation than I can articulate at other times in a way that makes sense, at the moment, it would seem that I’m incapable. Something about realism and… uh… Oh, his willingness to do it because the payoff is worth it. I think. Yeah, because the discomfort fades. Then you followed that with him putting his hand over Leland’s for a secondary connection, and I thought ‘closing the circuit’. Although I don’t know why I used an electrician type metaphor, except that in order for things to work right, they need a closed circuit or something. I really don’t know all that much about electrical stuff. It just seemed like an apt metaphor or way to say that the connection between them was complete and whole. I’m babbling because the circuit in my brain has been shorted out by your story and not functioning properly. :0)

[thsfuhqinsux]

The descriptions of how everything began to blend, and the language you used, raw, ungovernable pleasure that his body demanded he give in to is another subtle reminder of who this is and how powerful the feelings must be, because of course Adrian would be unable to not fight himself on this, his mind at war with his body, his fear of loss of control, he knows he’s about to lose it, and he can’t stop it, even though he can’t help but try.

“God,” he said before he was conscious of having spoken. “Please…”

0_0 …. Gah! &uh%bnllj$!!!!

Uh huh. Yeah.

He was muttering rough nonsense in Adrian’s ear, amidst a high, broken keening that Adrian could only assume was his own.

You should know that it’s getting increasingly difficult to translate what’s going on in my brain into words right now.

I love Leland muttering ‘rough nonsense’ and the use of ‘high, broken keening’ because the words are so evocative. Adrian having to assume that it is him making that sound speaks to his dissociation at the moment, the small part of his brain that hasn’t shut down completely is distressed with the fact that he is making that sound, he is so out of control that he’s making that noise, or any noise at all, so it’s trying to distance itself, making him feel like he’s not really there, even though logically, he knows he is and he knows that sound is coming from him. Again, it makes me wonder if maybe the white noise sound of the shower running and the feel of the water hitting him and both acting as a sort of filter for him because he couldn’t handle this unfiltered don’t have more to do with the reason they can only do this in the shower than the idea of any germs or ‘cleanliness’.

That ‘desperate hitching of his own breath’ was also a wonderful bit of description that made my own breath catch, too, and I *loved* Leland clinging to him and supporting him.

Despite himself, he felt only loss when Leland finally slipped from him. He rested his forehead against the cool tile until the water washed everything away.
This was also very evocative; I could very easily put myself in his skin and could feel the tepid water hitting me, muscles tense, shaking uncontrollably, weak and burning just a bit, that rubbery, floppy way that your limbs feel after sex, feeling like you’ll never catch your breath again and that you couldn’t possibly be expected to stand up, let alone walk without assistance for a while, emotionally wrung out, but still, in spite of all of these things that should make you feel uncomfortable, like you just had a near death experience, you just feel so damn good! And emotionally clean and spotless, as you further illustrated with “They were both waterlogged, and wrinkled, but thoroughly clean, and it was still okay.” Sex, at least for some people, and most likely for Adrian, is like the emotional reset button, or cleansing process. You get that, and I love it that you do.

[thsfuhqinsux]

I adored the last couple of paragraphs for two reason; one that it illustrates how much having the approval of other’s, particularly Leland, bolsters Adrian’s self confidence and makes him feel stronger, brings back at least a little self respect and pride that’s been missing for so long, and knowing that he’s valued, loved and desired as a sexual being makes him feel more ‘mannish’ and stronger, more determined. The things that he loved about Trudy, that made him a stronger better person, he’s regaining them a bit now in a slightly different way, by allowing himself to feel loved and believe that another person, one that he loves, respects and admires, sees him as someone that is desirable and valuable and worthy of being loved in return.

The second thing is the remark about the extra income because the water bill was ridiculously high, as if he has absolutely no idea why that would be. Like for him to acknowledge that the reason it’s high is because they have sex in the shower, apparently a lot would also mean that the people at the water department would also know what was going on in his shower! :0D

I have toyed with the notion of penetrative sex in some of my stories, and it seems like a good plausible idea in my head, but when I get around to writing it, it somehow doesn’t translate to words in a way that rings quite as true for me. There are aspects of Adrian’s personality that would lend very much to the notion that penetrative sex would work for him in ways that many people would have difficulty wrapping their minds around, that Adrian himself would have trouble understanding, and that are very difficult to explain, but at the same time, there’s this hurdle of Adrian’s brain to get over for all the things you mentioned, the ‘cleanliness’, anxiety, embarrassment and invasion. You’d have to get past all of those things, beyond his fears in order to get him there. If you could possibly get him out of his own head enough that he couldn’t think about it, it would be a mind blowing experience for him. But Adrian’s brain is a very strong and difficult obstacle, more so than most people’s minds are. Still, you made this work, and you did it in character and very believable, all things considered. This makes me want to give that PWP idea of Leland being thrown for a loop by the things Adrian seems willing to do once he gets into the right headspace, and Leland might take up the challenge of getting him there, turned on enough. Like there is some mathematical equation where how hot and turned on Adrian gets is directly proportional to how far he is willing to go or how extreme the things he is willing or maybe even eager to do during sex. I thought maybe Leland would discover this and set a goal for himself that he keeps changing, setting it higher and higher, see if he can get Adrian turned on enough to do ___, then ____, and what would it take to get to ____, all with these arbitrary rules Leland would set for himself, like he couldn’t actually *say* what he wanted or ask for it verbally, but giving subtle physical hints and cues was okay. Which would work for him just fine because he doesn’t like to talk about a lot of that stuff anyway. He’d be too afraid of mentioning some things to Adrian because he would be afraid of how Adrian would react and how that might reflect on him in Adrian’s mind, because Leland fears looking bad or silly or weak or a whole lot of other things in anyway. Maybe I’ll start on it today, it looks like I’ll be spending time in bed.

[daasgrrl]

LOL! Um... wow. I think that your feedback might be almost as long as the fic. Not that I'm not completely thrilled, which I am, I just feel a little guilty about all the effort you must have taken to write it all out. It's very much treasured - I read your feedback to the other story several times, because it was so lovely and will probably do the same here. Also, if you feel inspired to write some of your own, or finish the threesome fic, that would be A Good Thing. Or more art, because I love that, too XD

I've been going through a few of the older eps recently and quite amazed at the slashiness - for example, I know I've seen Mr Monk Gets Drunk before, but somehow completely missed THAT scene. You know the one. I mean I've had the icon for a while and I STILL didn't remember it. Also just saw Mr Monk Goes to the Dentist for the first time ever, and the Leland/Randy is gorgeous. And Leland really does get shot in canon! I'd completely forgotten that too. Such is the difference between 'casual viewer' and 'rabid fan' *g*.

Anyway, I'm really delighted you liked the parts you did, and I agree that the Trudy part wasn't strictly necessary, but it was at what I felt was a suitable 'break', and I really wanted to put that in there, since that idea was one of the things that's been on my mind since the conversation (and show tunes) with Kroger I was so amused by.

And it sounds like you've been ill? I hope not, but best wishes if so ♥

[thsfuhqinsux]

My feedback does have a tendency to run a little long, sorry. If you prefer I could send it privately maybe next time.

I started on a new fic but it needs some tweaking, and I have been really thinking about that threesome fic and how to get to where I want to go without making it into a novella, I just don't have it worked out yet. I want to work on something hot today, I just can't settle on what yet.

:0) Glad you enjoy the art, though. I will probably have to do art work like that when my kids are in school though, my son has reached the age where he doesn't ignore what I'm drawing anymore, he wants to discuss it (he's trying to learn how to have a conversation rather than talking at someone while they go into a coma of boredom) so he's like, "Nice drawing. Why don't Monk and Stottlemeyer have on clothes, though?"

"Because... I just haven't drawn them yet, clothes are hard to draw."

"Oh. So what is he doing to Monk's shoulder? It looks like he's biting it."

"He's kissing it."

"Why? Did Monk hurt his shoulder?"

"Hey, don't you have a video game to play somewhere?"

"Not really."

"Go clean your room."

My son is an eleven year old Adrian in training in a lot of ways. I can't even enjoy playing Sims 2 when he's here anymore. "Hey! That's Randy, Monk and Stottlemeyer in the hot tub together!" "Go away, Son!"

Yeah, I love watching the show and seeing the slashy parts, reading into it what I want to. Like Leland being jealous of Hal Tucker, and taking Randy to Hawaii, and I love that scene in Gets Drunk!

I have these headaches... And sometimes, like during the holidays, they get the better of me. It's okay,though. For some reason, when I have them, I tend to have these dreams, very, very nice dreams that almost makeup for the headaches.