Ya know...
Sick and Tired doesn't even BEGIN to describe how I feel right now... but I guess that's the closest way I can describe it in words so that's what I'll use. Honestly, i'm really just getting tired of all the bullshit that seems to happen to me whenever I start to think for just a moment that maybe things are going to turn around for me... start going well ya know? Ya, I know I talked about the whole trial and error stage, blah blah blah, not everything will go well right away but honestly after having pretty much the same thing happen to you on a consistent basis over and over again starts to wear on you after a while. I dunno what it is... is it me? Am I doing something wrong that constantly makes things go the same way? Or maybe I'm just misinterpretting all the "signals" I think I'm getting. I dunno; it must be me... there must be something wrong with me. Though I wish someone would just fucking tell me what it was so I could fix it ya know?
Everytime I think maybe there's a chance a girl might even be REMOTELY interested in me, I end up getting the same hot and cold treatment; one day they're all over me and the next it's like i'm just some puppy they decided to pull around for the day. I don't get it... I really don't. What is it about me that just makes girls think "Oh, I think i'll just lead him on for a bit... he's sure to follow." And what REALLY pisses me off is that they're right. I really have to make a concious effort not to just forgive everytime someone does me wrong. Like today; I couldn't even look at her on the train ride home... cause I knew if I did... i'd just end up letting it go like I always do... and the cycle would repeat itself... just like it always done. I always say i've got this "one and done policy" but really it's just a ruse I hide behind to seem more steadfast in front of others. In reality, really all it takes is a smile and a batt of the eye and i'll drop that faster than a pot of lava. It takes concious effort for me to say "fuck you" and move on... because I know that my chances are few and far between... and it's so hard to let them go when I know there's no hope left in them. Sad isn't it? Yeah, I know it is.
I can't let people keep pushing me around like this... fuck, see I can't even admit that it's girls that keep doing this to me.... lemme rephrase that. I can't let these GIRLS keep dragging me around like a ragdoll, abusing my kindness and using me like some tool to get their attention fix for a bit. This CAN'T go on any longer... my mind can't handle it anymore; hell, what happened today was fucking insignificant compared to some of the other shit girls have pulled on me before.... and yet I'm reacting this strongly to it. It just shows that I'm starting to reach my wits end. I'm not sure how much more I can take of this. Honestly, the whole way home.. .and even now I just wanna punch the wall until either it, or my hand, breaks... I really don't care which one. This is really starting to wear me down... to the point where I know this is going to start effecting EVERYTHING... school, my dancing, and probably even my home life. I feel so angry and... bitter right now, but on the surface you'll see barely anything... because i've become so good at hiding it over the years... so much so that I just instantly bottle anything up so that the worst you'll get from me is complete silence. Maybe that's why I'm about ready to explode... I keep it all inside, only telling maybe one or two people and typing on this blog if I ever feel bothered to. I don't even know if I feel like going out dancing tomorrow...
What I'd really like to do right is go through another one of my "I quit" kinda stages, ya know, the ones where I say "fuck girls!" and swear them off only to go chasing after the next pretty face that gives me more than a 2 second glance. I know that's what would happen if I did that. I dunno, maybe I should try something different this time. Maybe I should just start being a jerk to everyone around me; now way in hell I'll get any false signals that way right? Besides, everyone's just going to take advantage of me anyway... Ugh... And I know that's not the way to go either but... that's just how... pissed I feel right now. I honestly don't think I've ever gotten to this point before in my life... just more proof that I'm starting to reach the end of my rope. I don't even know what to do anymore... I'm reverting back to that pissed off little emo kid that I was back in high school... that I tried so hard to lock up in the deep back parts of my mind... but it keeps coming back again and again... each time with a resounding "I told you so" ringing in my mind. At this point, maybe it'd be better to just give up all hope and go about with no expectations for things to get better; that way, I won't be disappointed when things don't right...? It'll be exactly how I thought... right? Maybe I should just stop typing this now... there's way too much in me to let out via blog... there's no way I could really get out all this frustration I feel... I can't even cry right now.... I'm just that sick of it all....