"Thank You" Bar-By-Bar Analysis
Although I don't write nearly as much as I'd love to, I can never tire of sharing my testimony. I had another opportunity to do just that last weekend as a birthday treat to myself (I actually wanted my album released on my birthday, but alas.. time flies).
The importance of testimony is repeated throughout Revelation. The opening of the fifth seal displays "the souls of those who had been slain for the word of God and for the testimony which they held" (Revelation 6:9-11). Later, we read that "our brethren" overcome Satan "by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death" (Revelation 12:10-11). These triumphant believers are those who speak with "word" of their testimony, without shame or fear. Living it out is important, but we testify with actions and words.
There is a popular quote floating around Christendom that states, "Preach the gospel at all times and if necessary, use words." While I understand the point it's trying to make, I don't like this quote because it is necessary to use words to preach the gospel! Though your lifestyle might make one question what makes you so different, it is only by "hearing" that one can come to faith (Romans 10:17; John 4:39). Our testimony will be seen as true when our actions match our words (2 Corinthians 1:12). We are to tell others of what we have personally witnessed, just as the apostles did (Acts 4:33), and we should eagerly and boldly share how God has changed our lives.
Anyway, I thought of doing that to coincide with a new song I recorded for my "bornday" (for those who knew the old me). Though it was released on my birthday, this song celebrates the day I was reborn into His family. This year marked five years of walking with the Lord and I now would rather celebrate my rebirthday than my birthday; not that I want to completely ignore the latter, for I couldn't have the former without it, but it has more significance in my life now. I was born on Michaelmas and the one who deserves all the recognition on that day is the defeater of Satan in the war in Heaven (Revelation 12:7-9). I was born again on the feast day of the one whom Jesus told must be born again and believe in God's only begotten Son (John 3:1-21).
This song is a new recording, but it is actually the first song I completed writing since that fateful day I found God. Before I get into it, I would like to point out that there is no distinction in Heaven's perspective between a dramatic testimony and a "boring" one of salvation from childhood. Every single sinner who repents has a testimony just as amazing and precious and receives the same angelic party (Luke 15:4-10)! In our worldly perspective, the only reason mine had to be dramatic is because I was the most stubborn (He even had to give me multiple signs, though I asked for one). For some people, God can hold hands with them and walk them into the Kingdom. For others, He has to kick in.
Here is how He did just that:
Before the day we met, I heard many things about You
People told me You loved me, I had to know how true
Or erroneous it was, in my loneliness, I rushed
But You sought me first before I sought You out and found You
I wrote this song with the intention of it seeming to be about a woman until the last line of the third verse. For this first verse, I imagine a situation in high school where a rumour spreads about a crush and the recipient of that rumour seeks to find out if it's true. In relation to God, this describes my journey through the "many things" about God I heard or read (mostly negative) in attempting to disprove Him. Although I wouldn't have specifically cited the problem of evil and suffering as a reason for denying God, it was the hatred of my life and hurt - including feeling so isolated - that made me rush to the conclusion that God didn't exist. What seems to be the biggest barrier to faith and trust in God for most disbelievers, I assumed God didn't exist because He didn't follow my command and make my life exactly as I wanted it to be. Little did I know, His plan for my life was ultimately better than anything I could've dreamed and He was seeking me before I finally gave in and asked Him to reveal Himself (John 15:16).
They said You were hard to reach, but now I truly see
That You were pursuin' me way before I knew it'd be
You an' me, renewin' me from speakin' gloomily
Introducin' me to Your family approvingly
For whatever reason, the boy in this story is told that this girl is hard to get to, but he eventually finds out he was the one making it hard for them to get together. In the present, he recalls how she changed his whole demeanour and accepted him by bringing him to her family. In the song's deeper meaning, "hard to reach" refers to the Catholic sacrament of confession I was brought up to attend and how distant it made God feel. God never felt closer than He did that night which resulted in a regenerated mentality and inclusion in a loving community of His sons and daughters.
Sometimes, I still wonder why You ended up choosin' me
I was lost, but You said You never intended on losin' me
I doubt I will ever stop being amazed at the events of that weekend or stop wondering why He chose me (2 Thessalonians 2:13-14). I likely won't know that answer until He takes me Home, but I do know that He chooses the weak to shame the strong (1 Corinthians 1:27b). Since I was quiet, I had acquaintances joke that "it's always the one you least expect", as if I was going to become the next serial killer (I guess I wasn't the only one with dark humour, after all). God has an amazing way of flipping things around for Him and He did the same with this idea, since no one at all - including the old me who was determined to deny God even on my deathbed like Christopher Hitchens - would've expected my turnabout. Now I see that I was lost, but I also see that it was never God's intention for us to be separated from Him. Even though our free will resulted in our disobedience, He knew it would and so He had a plan before even creating us (1 Peter 1:20-21; Revelation 13:8,17:8)!
I went from thoughts of suicide to thoughts of You and I
And our new lives unified together, never to divideGot a new attitude, can't measure the magnitude
Of my infinite gratitude for Your perfect attributes
I began being depressed with my life at the turn of the millennium. As a matter of fact, my state was the reason I began using songwriting as a personal form of therapy. It "only" took a decade for my mind to be cleared of the darkness and dismalness and to be filled with true joyfulness after the spiritual encounter that night. I was made entirely new. One of the many feelings I experienced that night was that of my soul and His Spirit becoming intertwined. Not only has God promised to make His home in me (John 14:17-18,23), but He has promised to never leave (Matthew 28:20b)! The complete change in my perspective and way of thinking is something only He could do - a point that is the main theme repeated throughout this song in different ways. I will never quit being thankful for it and for His perfect character.
Only You could fill my void and never disappoint
Just because I love You, a couple people still avoid
Though young love may make one believe their significant other is the cause of their happiness, only God can truly fill the "god-shaped hole" in us all that we try satisfying with various other things or people. God will also never disappoint us if we trust Him, for He commands all things for our good and works all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). The last line of this verse, though it could be about high school drama, was in reality written with two past close friends in mind who distanced themselves from me after I fell in love with the living God. This is all too common in conversion testimonies, it seems, but there's a spiritual reason that is a natural result of true regeneration (John 3:19-21, 15:19). I praise God there's been reconciliation in one case (though it'll never feel the same) and pray God does in the other case what He did in me. The loss of friends is always a worthy consequence for a relationship with our Creator and His people (Philippians 3:8-11), but we should never give up inviting them to share in His glorious presence!
Thank You for that knock at my place
Put an end to my rough somber days
On that one summer day when my pains got erased
Helped me to live the proper way
As I wait to be in Your embrace
Now I'm safe, so I just wanna say
Thank You! (Thank You!) Thank You! (Thank You!)
Thank You! (Thank You!) Thank You! (Thank You!)
This chorus was purposely written ambiguously as the first of four versions so that the concept of the song would not yet be lost. That night, God's presence felt so tangible as it filled my bachelor apartment. The "knock at my place" is simply a metaphor for my finally allowing Him into my life (Revelation 3:20). Once again, only He was able to change my life completely. Now I wait to feel His presence again, but I am certain it will be infinitely times better than that night. I used to think a lot about the supposed accident of life that only leads to nonexistence, but I now have the joy of salvation and live life knowing death has no more power over it. I felt like an outcast in my family and was convinced I was a mistake that should've never been born. Of course, the new viewpoint He gave me knows full well that that was a lie (Psalm 139:13-14).
In case you were wondering, that is my lovely, talented wife singing in the background. She has sacrificed a lot to be with me and another great birthday present this year was the long-awaited submittal of her application for permanent residence. Though I wrote this song years ago, the timing of recording it now allowed me to include her in it - our relationship and marriage being more reasons I have to be thankful for!
I'll never forget the night I fell in love with You
You fixed my corrupted views as we discussed it through
Started when the night was calm, You lifted high my arms
Gave me a new outlook on the life I once tried to harm
There are actually two nights spoken of in this song. The main night (August 2nd) is the night I finally surrendered my whole life to Him, but three nights before was when I first felt His presence. Without getting into too much detail, I reached the "rock bottom" of my life that year. I've been doing drugs (mostly marijuana) for over a year and a half after priorly telling myself that I would never do them (unless I knew I was dying). I wasn't looking out for my health or hygiene as I was living on junk food and weed, so much so that I upchucked after smoking it one night. I also got into hard liquor that year and reached the point of vomiting blood that summer. Feeling close to death, these two incidents inspired me to seriously quit. I was just over a bad break-up that involved small claims court and desired to start my life fresh no longer allowing myself to be walked over by being nice. I attempted to quit the main drugs I was doing, but fell yet again that night as soon as I found a forgotten bud of weed that first night and took it with an MDMA capsule.
When I felt God's presence that night, I poured out my heart to Him and it led to my misconceptions about Him and religion being corrected. The night seemed normal enough until my computer shut down and I couldn't turn it back on. As my first sign, my arms rose seemingly by themselves and after I pulled them back down, they rose again. This happened again and after I pulled them down for the third time (as if being lifted by each Person of the Trinity), I got out of my chair as a sense of fear and paranoia came over me and covered me. I walked in circles, worried about the powers of this dark world getting to me, and eventually began talking to God. Suddenly, my worldview was changed as it felt like scales literally fell from my eyes. Everything about life now clearly connected and made sense.
Met me at my lowest, the key that made me open up
You turned my life around, connected in that potent touch
The "key" is a reference to an older song I wrote called "My World". In it is this line: "I live under my skin; some want me to open up / Huh, with what key?" This, of course, is about being quiet and people constantly telling me to talk. God was that key. The best example of this is the first day I attended my current church, which He predestined to be on Thanksgiving Sunday. The pastor speaking that day invited the congregation to give God thanks and the Spirit stirred in me to stand up, which I did amongst all these strangers, whereas I would've never dreamed of talking in front of that many people before. He changed my life in various little ways after that night. The "potent touch" is the powerful and unexplainable feeling I felt throughout my entire body. The only way I know how to describe it is as a bodily vibration. It was like a taste of Heaven.
Such love, I didn't deserve it, I wasn't worth it
But when I felt worthless, You gave me purpose
So I'll be holdin' Your hand until I'm old an' can't stand
'Cause when I thought I couldn't, You told me I can
God is sovereign, for He is God, and He was perfectly just in condemning me for my sin. Still, He considers us all valuable and worth His sacrifice in our place (Psalm 8:3-4)! He has shown me the meaning of life and has given me reasons to live. That night, His grace was irresistible and now I can't look back, even if I tried. He has won over my obstinate rebellion and I will follow His guidance all the days of my new life. The main theme is repeated here - only God is able to make someone a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). I was living without the will to live and failing to quit those things that were ruining my life. I pray others receive the strength He gives to end their addictions cold turkey, especially those in ICU because of them. I am now reminded each time I look at these people that I could've still been where they are. Why has He allowed me to turn from my ways with a full deliverance from depression and drugs while He keeps them in chains? If only they would see their need of His salvation and look to Him..
Consolin' me when I craved a rope an' to hang
From my throat an' to send a note to folk an' to friends
But there was hope even then, an' when doped up with grams
I was alone, You extended Your help, broken, You mend-
ed me...so thank You for unfoldin' Your plan
For the resolve You began and for moldin' a man
The "when" here signifies my general contemplation of death and not specifically during that night. However, I did feel as if God was judging me right then and I was about to die. This was one of the times I left a note beside my bed right before I fell asleep. There is always hope of an escape for those going through similar situations. I thought I was alone, but His proverbial hand was out and waiting for me to grab it in order to be restored. There is nothing I am more grateful for now than His plan of redemption before the foundation of the world (Romans 8:29-30)! He initiated my conversion before I was born. Not only has He grown me spiritually over these past five years, but I finally felt like I was growing into a real man after participating in a study called The Quest for Authentic Manhood.
Thanks for giving me the power to flush those drugs
When deep inside me, I felt that rush, those tugs
Then felt Your arms around me when there was no hug
You crushed my grudges like I would crush those buds
With bombs in my palms as I would crush those rocks
I thought I was doomed, but You crushed those odds
On August 2nd, while visiting my best friend's place to tell him what I had experienced, I was tempted and left late high again. That night, there were two cop cars near my street and another that turned into my building. Paranoid again, I thought they were going to knock on my door and find all my drugs. I even thought my best friend set me up. I was filled with fear once more and wanted to feel God's manifest presence again. I grabbed a sheet of paper and wrote a note including the words, "God, please pull me to your hands once more. God was giving me a chance! He was trying to pull me up...please forgive me, God. I've found you..." I signed and added, "My job was to spread your news of this world. I hope I have done enough. I forgive my debtors. I failed being the new man I was meant to be." After harbouring grudges for many years, I could finally forgive all those who hurt me.
With my mind racing and my body feeling very hot as if flames were around me, I couldn't sleep and got up to get my bibles. The bible I've been holding onto with the intention of desecrating one day, God used to get me on my knees. As I was reading passages from the Special Reader's Helps section in the back of one bible, I would hear laughing in my head as if I was being mocked. I would also hear loud bangs whenever I came across verses that gave me assurance of salvation, so it only made me want to keep reading. For the first time, the words of Scripture jumped out at me and made sense. Feeling His warmth and comfort again, this was when I was given the strength to flush the rest of my drugs down the toilet and never fall to "those tugs" deep inside me again. As I was enjoying a euphoric feeling that night at my bed, I was given the revelation that the bliss in Heaven will feel better than all the drug highs combined. All the "highs" (from marijuana, MDMA, cocaine, mushrooms, etc.) of this world really lead to the lowest of the lows.
Just as only God was able to renew my mindset, only God was able to renew me physically and free me from my addictions. When I finally laid in bed at 4 a.m. after four hours at my bedside, I felt as if I was enveloped in God's arms. I thought He was about to take me, but I was comfortably ready to go. The odds of me dying in my sin were certain (Genesis 2:17), but God has graciously provided a substitutionary atonement! No one could ever convince me I was wrong about my atheism, but God could! I thought I couldn't ever be happy or delivered from my dependance on drugs, but God was able (Ephesians 3:20-21)!
You gave warmth to my cold heart, shine to my shade
When I was down & out, You put a smile on my face
Filled me with joy, who knew I'd ever burst laughin'?
Lackin' nothin', You're the only treasure worth havin'
God is able to make dead bones live and completely change the hearts - that is, the spiritual essence of emotions and desires in the inner core of a being - of His creatures (1 Samuel 10:9, Ezekiel 11:19-21, 36:26, 2 Corinthians 3:3). I couldn't imagine I would ever find the inner peace, love, and happiness I now had. I couldn't wipe the smile on my face for two weeks following the day of my salvation and I would never have imagined I'd ever laugh out loud. God is the embodiment of all that is good and if we love this world more than Him, we are dangerously missing out on what is truly important (James 4:4, 1 John 2:15).
The Only One I don't have to guard my heart from
Your love was the answer to all of my problems
I was solemn and only it could've softened
How hardened my heart had gotten, darkened and rotten
Distraughtly walkin', internally hateful
So You are forever loved, I'm eternally grateful
Having dealt with the disappointments of both serious relationships ending in finding out I had been cheated on, I decided I wouldn't give my heart to any woman so easily anymore. As mentioned at the end of the first verse, only our Creator's received love cannot disappoint us, for He truly wants the best for us. Though I thought I had to protect my heart from others, it was my own perversity, murmuring, anger, and especially unbelief that was hurting me and keeping me from God's peace and blessings (Proverbs 4:23-26).
'Cause of what You did for me and showed me one night
Found out just how much Your love flowed for me in spite
Of me hurting You, 'cause I was supposed to have died!
So thank You, GOD...I owe You my life!
I did indeed die that night, for I woke up a different person. With only two hours of sleep before having to get up for work, I awoke feeling different and replenished as if I had a full night's sleep. However, I was still feeling paranoid so I called my sister over and gave her all my drug-related paraphernalia to throw out. After work, my last and strongest sign was given. I boarded the bus home and a man seated at the front leaned into the aisle as I walked past and simply said, "Thank you". I never believed in guardian angels until then. I was still having doubts about the personal events of this weekend, but this shattered them for good.
Leading to the reveal of the true object of this song, there is a twist to the story of the girl. We find out the ultimate reason this boy loves this girl is not just because she forgave him for causing her hurt, but because she saved his life with her sacrificial love. Of course, this is a picture of God sending His only begotten Son to die in our deserving place. When a person is saved, it is often said that he owes his life to his hero. Here, the grand picture of that trope is the elect of God owing their lives to their Saviour and Lord who graciously gave them eternal life with Him.
Thank You for all the love that You gave
Thank You for the price that You paid
Sacrifice that You made to set my life straight
Without You, my whole life was a waste
Once it's revealed this song is directed at Yahweh, the different choruses play. It was only His love and His sacrifice that could save me from myself. During the songwriting process, I read in the news of a student named William Swinimer who was suspended for repeatedly refusing to stop wearing a t-shirt (decision later reversed) stating "Life is wasted without Jesus". I included this line with his stand in mind, though Lecrae's song Don't Waste Your Life (based on John Piper's book of the same name) carries the same idea (Proverbs 14:12, 16:25).
Thank You for having got me amazed
From this world, wanted to plot an' escape
Thought I gotta hate, I just got a lotta aches
Now I love, only You saw my fate
The third version of the chorus repeats my astonishment at my encounter that weekend and the outcome to my life. Several years of researching about the powers of this world forcing us into a New World Order left me fearful and wanting to leave this world until He revealed from His Word that it's all according to His grand plan and those who love Him need not fear (Revelation 11:15). I used to be a hateful atheist, as mentioned in the third verse, and I felt justified in being angry at the world and in blaming others for my hurt, but that only left me with more pain - a vicious cycle.
And so I testify to Your grace
Answered me, that is why I now praise
You died for three days, I rely on You raised
And so I apologize today
The most overt chorus of the gospel is saved for last. My life is now a testimony to His power and mercy. Before the events of this weekend, there was a day I finally gave up my war with God and called out to Him to show me He was real. If it were not for His graciously answering me (2 Corinthians 6:2), I would still be stuck in my sick condition. I apologized to God for my past that night and begged Him for a new life - another chance. Once a militant atheist who looked for all the ways I could disprove God, my passion for seeking evidence was turned for His glory and defense through apologetics. He has shown me that Christ's resurrection is the only viable explanation for the events of the early Church and that it has crucially important implications for those who disbelieve (1 Corinthians 15:17). "Apologize" is a pun on being sorry for my rebellion and doing it through apologetics.
Yeah, and I can just keep on goin..
I just wanna thank You like Don Moen...
Thank You.. thank You
These lyrics are over three years old, but I wanted to add this shoutout reference to Don mid-last year after hearing his song Thank You Lord.
God got the last laugh. He always wins in spiritual tug-of-war. He got the last laugh about my staunch rejection. He got the last laugh about my scoffing at a deathbed conversion. With no natural explanation to my experience, God revealed the supernatural to me. My plea is that any reading this who don't know the Lord will open their hearts to Him and ask Him to reveal Himself (John 20:29; Deuteronomy 4:29; Matthew 7:7-8).