Fic: (t)edification of the obligatory psychotic jackass
Fandom: HIMYM/Veronica Mars (crossover)
Pairing: mentions of Barney/Robin and Logan/Veronica
Rating: PG-13 for swears and underage drinking (and sexual references, if you count Dick's name)
Spoilers: Season 4 of HIMYM and post-season 3 of VM (mostly mild, or pertaining to the Logan/Veronica relationship)
Word Count: 1495
Summary: Logan and Dick travel to New York and meet Barney Stinson, who gives them advice on women.
Author's Note: This assumes that Piz took the New York internship to be closer to Veronica as she interned for the FBI. It's also set during season 4 of HIMYM where Barney is dealing with his deadly infection of "feelings". Also, the finger of blame is firmly pointed at otempora42 for putting this idea into my head, and secondmezzanine for rewatching season 1 of VM with me.
The two young men sat at the bar in MacLaren’s, enjoying some beers. Carl’s ID checks had been, as usual, less than thorough, and no one so much as batted an eye at these two 19-year-olds getting wasted.
“Dude, seriously,” Dick said to Logan, “what are we doing here? It’s the middle of summer! We should be down in Brazil, hookin’ up with as many hot chicas as possible, surfing all day and partying all night. Or at least doing the same thing back in Neptune, because it’s still awesome, even if the chicks speak English there. But no. You dragged me across the country to NYC so we could... what? Sit on our asses and wait for some geeky Polack to get off work so you can talk?”
“Veronica wanted me to apologize to Piz for ambushing him like I did,” Logan said tersely, taking another drink. “And I didn't get a chance before the both of them left, so... that’s what we’re here to do.”
“So what?” Dick shook his head. “You and her broke up six months ago, dude. V’s moved on to Piznarski, and yet somehow she’s still got you by the balls. You gotta move on. You and your feelings are harshing my mellow.”
One of their fellow patrons, who had been waiting for a tumbler of scotch, perked up his ears at this and turned to them. “Did you say... Feelings?” Barney Stinson asked curiously.
“Yeah,” said Dick, jerking his thumb at Logan. “This one’s still hung up on some hard-ass chick who won’t have anything to do with him.”
“You watch the way you talk about Veronica,” Logan growled.
Barney shook his head sadly. “Feelings is a very dangerous malady, kids,” he said gravely. “If you’re not careful and take the measures to protect yourself from them, you could end up with a terminal case. Or worse: married.” Barney shuddered. “Don’t you worry. Uncle Barney’s here to help.” He winked at the pair of them.
“Right, because calling yourself that isn’t creepy at all,” Logan remarked sarcastically.
Barney ignored him. “You’ve got to stop moping around about this chick,” he told Logan firmly.
“That’s what I’ve been saying!” Dick chimed in, grinning and smacking Barney on the shoulder with brotherly camaraderie. Barney gave him a smile that was more like a grimace, rolling his shoulder back like he was trying to shrug him off, before continuing.
“Kid, take it from me. No chick’s worth the trouble. I mean, can this Valerie chick even handle her scotch?”
“Veronica,” corrected Logan in somewhat of a huff. “And she’s just...” He hesitated. “She is the strongest person I know. She doesn’t give a damn what people think about her, and she’s never afraid to go after the truth, no matter what it might cost her. She’s smart, and beautiful, and brave, and fiercely independent.” Barney just looked at him. “And yes, she can handle her scotch,” Logan sighed.
Though Barney was looking at Logan witheringly, the truth was he could relate. Logan’s girl sounded like she had more than a few thing in common with Robin; and since Robin would never love him, this chick would surely never love Logan back either. It was up to Barney to save the kid from himself.
“All right,” Barney said, pretending to roll up his sleeves. “That’s it. Y- what’s your name?”
“Logan Echolls.”
“Logan Echolls,” Barney repeated dramatically, “I’m gonna teach you how to live.”
“Yeah,” said Logan, rolling his eyes. “Pretty sure I’ve already lived more than you ever will.”
Barney scoffed. “Please. Aren’t you like, twelve?”
“Nineteen.”
“Like I said, then.”
Logan felt his blood start to boil. “Look, I’m not gonna get into my entire life story with you right now, but just... trust me. There isn’t a whole lot for you left to teach me about what a shitty place the world can be.”
“So some bully stole your lunch money on the playground,” Barney shrugged. “Get over it.”
“I was the guy who stole people’s lunch money,” Logan corrected, “or I would have been if I’d been poorer, or if I hadn’t been too busy smashing their headlights to take money I didn’t need. But I mean, things at home were... bad. My older sister took off as soon as she could, my mom ended up throwing herself off a bridge when I was 17, and my dad...” Logan froze. “Well, I’d really rather not talk about him. Ever.”
Barney’s eyebrows raised. “Geez. Melodramatic much?”
The insensitive way with which his childhood trauma was being treated was almost too much for Logan to take. “Listen, you jackass,” he said hotly, “you don’t know anything about me, all right? I’ve gone through more in nineteen years than most people go through in a lifetime. I’ve been living in a hotel for two years, my- my first girlfriend was murdered, I’ve been in trouble with the law more times than I care to remember-- I was wrongfully accused first degree murder twice when I was still in high school!” Logan was starting to yell now, tears of anger stinging his eyes as his vision started to go red.
Barney just patted Logan on the head. “Sure you were, kid. Now! Take note, boys. Bro Code Article 41: ‘A Bro never cries.’ Unless you’re watching Field of Dreams, E.T., or a sports legend retire.” He nodded at Logan. “You might want to pay special attention to that.”
Logan would have lost it at that moment, had he not remembered what had happened last time he lost his temper and beat someone to a bloody pulp. Veronica’s face and voice swam before his eyes, the way she’d looked at him with such anger and hatred as she’d slammed his bedroom door in his face.
So Logan swallowed his anger and chimed back with, “What makes you think you can give us advice? I mean, for goodness’ sake, man. You dress like my old high school principal.”
“Totally dresses like Clemmons,” said Dick unnecessarily. “He’s got one of those... tie things.”
Barney straightened his tie ostentatiously. “For your information, children,” he said somewhat huffily, “this happens to be the finest double-breasted Armani. Wear this to a bar and the chicks’ll be all over you! They’ll see you have standards!” Logan and Dick looked at one another and snorted. “Besides, Bro Code Article 45: ‘A Bro never wears jeans to a strip club.’”
“We’re not going to a strip club tonight,” Logan pointed out.
Barney just chuckled. “Oh, my scrawny little friend. You have much to learn.”
Barney then spent the next hour going over all the articles and corollaries of the Bro Code, buying the two underage men scotch while telling them the ins and outs of being each other’s wingmen. Neither of them were paying much attention, however: Dick kept zoning out to scope out the bar, making eyes at the bimbos that usually came to MacLaren’s for happy hour. Logan, meanwhile, was busy staring into his drink, thinking forlornly about Veronica.
“And most importantly...” Barney’s eyes clouded slightly. “Article 150. ‘No sex with your Bro’s ex.’”
“Oh, he’s already broken that one,” Dick chimed in, slightly bitterly. Logan looked at him, stricken. He’d always feel guilty about his rebound with Madison because of how Veronica had handled the news; he didn’t need someone like Dick Casablancas adding to his guilt.
Barney looked back and forth between the two rich boys before saying under his breath to Dick, “You didn’t punch him in the junk, did you?”
“Nah,” he said. “I ran off to Vegas and got married to this hot crazy bitch for 26 hours.”
Barney nodded. “Good. That’s... good. Because, you know,” he went on, recovering, “otherwise, you would have broken Article 38. And there’s no coming back from that. Just ask... not me. Some other dude I know that that happened to.”
Just then, another young man with longish brown hair walked into the bar; Logan looked over and nudged Dick in the ribs. “Look, it’s Piz,” he murmured.
Barney snorted. “What kind of name is ‘Piz’?” he asked disdainfully.
“What kind of name is ‘Barney’?” Logan shot back, getting out his wallet and throwing down a hundred for their drinks. “Look, man, it was nice talking to you and all, but we’ve got to take off.”
“Yeah,” Dick said. “But you should totally come surfing with us sometime!” he added enthusiastically.
Barney didn’t even try to disguise his look of horror. “Yeeeeeah, no.”
Dick shrugged. “Your loss,” he said, following Logan over to Piz’s table and sitting down beside Logan as they talked.
Barney shook his head, finishing off his scotch and ordering a third, surreptitiously scoping out the bar for bimbos. There was a brunette at the end who looked like she was nearly too drunk to stand, and he smirked. Tonight, it looked like she was the perfect antidote for this deadly infection of Feelings.
Pairing: mentions of Barney/Robin and Logan/Veronica
Rating: PG-13 for swears and underage drinking (and sexual references, if you count Dick's name)
Spoilers: Season 4 of HIMYM and post-season 3 of VM (mostly mild, or pertaining to the Logan/Veronica relationship)
Word Count: 1495
Summary: Logan and Dick travel to New York and meet Barney Stinson, who gives them advice on women.
Author's Note: This assumes that Piz took the New York internship to be closer to Veronica as she interned for the FBI. It's also set during season 4 of HIMYM where Barney is dealing with his deadly infection of "feelings". Also, the finger of blame is firmly pointed at otempora42 for putting this idea into my head, and secondmezzanine for rewatching season 1 of VM with me.
The two young men sat at the bar in MacLaren’s, enjoying some beers. Carl’s ID checks had been, as usual, less than thorough, and no one so much as batted an eye at these two 19-year-olds getting wasted.
“Dude, seriously,” Dick said to Logan, “what are we doing here? It’s the middle of summer! We should be down in Brazil, hookin’ up with as many hot chicas as possible, surfing all day and partying all night. Or at least doing the same thing back in Neptune, because it’s still awesome, even if the chicks speak English there. But no. You dragged me across the country to NYC so we could... what? Sit on our asses and wait for some geeky Polack to get off work so you can talk?”
“Veronica wanted me to apologize to Piz for ambushing him like I did,” Logan said tersely, taking another drink. “And I didn't get a chance before the both of them left, so... that’s what we’re here to do.”
“So what?” Dick shook his head. “You and her broke up six months ago, dude. V’s moved on to Piznarski, and yet somehow she’s still got you by the balls. You gotta move on. You and your feelings are harshing my mellow.”
One of their fellow patrons, who had been waiting for a tumbler of scotch, perked up his ears at this and turned to them. “Did you say... Feelings?” Barney Stinson asked curiously.
“Yeah,” said Dick, jerking his thumb at Logan. “This one’s still hung up on some hard-ass chick who won’t have anything to do with him.”
“You watch the way you talk about Veronica,” Logan growled.
Barney shook his head sadly. “Feelings is a very dangerous malady, kids,” he said gravely. “If you’re not careful and take the measures to protect yourself from them, you could end up with a terminal case. Or worse: married.” Barney shuddered. “Don’t you worry. Uncle Barney’s here to help.” He winked at the pair of them.
“Right, because calling yourself that isn’t creepy at all,” Logan remarked sarcastically.
Barney ignored him. “You’ve got to stop moping around about this chick,” he told Logan firmly.
“That’s what I’ve been saying!” Dick chimed in, grinning and smacking Barney on the shoulder with brotherly camaraderie. Barney gave him a smile that was more like a grimace, rolling his shoulder back like he was trying to shrug him off, before continuing.
“Kid, take it from me. No chick’s worth the trouble. I mean, can this Valerie chick even handle her scotch?”
“Veronica,” corrected Logan in somewhat of a huff. “And she’s just...” He hesitated. “She is the strongest person I know. She doesn’t give a damn what people think about her, and she’s never afraid to go after the truth, no matter what it might cost her. She’s smart, and beautiful, and brave, and fiercely independent.” Barney just looked at him. “And yes, she can handle her scotch,” Logan sighed.
Though Barney was looking at Logan witheringly, the truth was he could relate. Logan’s girl sounded like she had more than a few thing in common with Robin; and since Robin would never love him, this chick would surely never love Logan back either. It was up to Barney to save the kid from himself.
“All right,” Barney said, pretending to roll up his sleeves. “That’s it. Y- what’s your name?”
“Logan Echolls.”
“Logan Echolls,” Barney repeated dramatically, “I’m gonna teach you how to live.”
“Yeah,” said Logan, rolling his eyes. “Pretty sure I’ve already lived more than you ever will.”
Barney scoffed. “Please. Aren’t you like, twelve?”
“Nineteen.”
“Like I said, then.”
Logan felt his blood start to boil. “Look, I’m not gonna get into my entire life story with you right now, but just... trust me. There isn’t a whole lot for you left to teach me about what a shitty place the world can be.”
“So some bully stole your lunch money on the playground,” Barney shrugged. “Get over it.”
“I was the guy who stole people’s lunch money,” Logan corrected, “or I would have been if I’d been poorer, or if I hadn’t been too busy smashing their headlights to take money I didn’t need. But I mean, things at home were... bad. My older sister took off as soon as she could, my mom ended up throwing herself off a bridge when I was 17, and my dad...” Logan froze. “Well, I’d really rather not talk about him. Ever.”
Barney’s eyebrows raised. “Geez. Melodramatic much?”
The insensitive way with which his childhood trauma was being treated was almost too much for Logan to take. “Listen, you jackass,” he said hotly, “you don’t know anything about me, all right? I’ve gone through more in nineteen years than most people go through in a lifetime. I’ve been living in a hotel for two years, my- my first girlfriend was murdered, I’ve been in trouble with the law more times than I care to remember-- I was wrongfully accused first degree murder twice when I was still in high school!” Logan was starting to yell now, tears of anger stinging his eyes as his vision started to go red.
Barney just patted Logan on the head. “Sure you were, kid. Now! Take note, boys. Bro Code Article 41: ‘A Bro never cries.’ Unless you’re watching Field of Dreams, E.T., or a sports legend retire.” He nodded at Logan. “You might want to pay special attention to that.”
Logan would have lost it at that moment, had he not remembered what had happened last time he lost his temper and beat someone to a bloody pulp. Veronica’s face and voice swam before his eyes, the way she’d looked at him with such anger and hatred as she’d slammed his bedroom door in his face.
So Logan swallowed his anger and chimed back with, “What makes you think you can give us advice? I mean, for goodness’ sake, man. You dress like my old high school principal.”
“Totally dresses like Clemmons,” said Dick unnecessarily. “He’s got one of those... tie things.”
Barney straightened his tie ostentatiously. “For your information, children,” he said somewhat huffily, “this happens to be the finest double-breasted Armani. Wear this to a bar and the chicks’ll be all over you! They’ll see you have standards!” Logan and Dick looked at one another and snorted. “Besides, Bro Code Article 45: ‘A Bro never wears jeans to a strip club.’”
“We’re not going to a strip club tonight,” Logan pointed out.
Barney just chuckled. “Oh, my scrawny little friend. You have much to learn.”
Barney then spent the next hour going over all the articles and corollaries of the Bro Code, buying the two underage men scotch while telling them the ins and outs of being each other’s wingmen. Neither of them were paying much attention, however: Dick kept zoning out to scope out the bar, making eyes at the bimbos that usually came to MacLaren’s for happy hour. Logan, meanwhile, was busy staring into his drink, thinking forlornly about Veronica.
“And most importantly...” Barney’s eyes clouded slightly. “Article 150. ‘No sex with your Bro’s ex.’”
“Oh, he’s already broken that one,” Dick chimed in, slightly bitterly. Logan looked at him, stricken. He’d always feel guilty about his rebound with Madison because of how Veronica had handled the news; he didn’t need someone like Dick Casablancas adding to his guilt.
Barney looked back and forth between the two rich boys before saying under his breath to Dick, “You didn’t punch him in the junk, did you?”
“Nah,” he said. “I ran off to Vegas and got married to this hot crazy bitch for 26 hours.”
Barney nodded. “Good. That’s... good. Because, you know,” he went on, recovering, “otherwise, you would have broken Article 38. And there’s no coming back from that. Just ask... not me. Some other dude I know that that happened to.”
Just then, another young man with longish brown hair walked into the bar; Logan looked over and nudged Dick in the ribs. “Look, it’s Piz,” he murmured.
Barney snorted. “What kind of name is ‘Piz’?” he asked disdainfully.
“What kind of name is ‘Barney’?” Logan shot back, getting out his wallet and throwing down a hundred for their drinks. “Look, man, it was nice talking to you and all, but we’ve got to take off.”
“Yeah,” Dick said. “But you should totally come surfing with us sometime!” he added enthusiastically.
Barney didn’t even try to disguise his look of horror. “Yeeeeeah, no.”
Dick shrugged. “Your loss,” he said, following Logan over to Piz’s table and sitting down beside Logan as they talked.
Barney shook his head, finishing off his scotch and ordering a third, surreptitiously scoping out the bar for bimbos. There was a brunette at the end who looked like she was nearly too drunk to stand, and he smirked. Tonight, it looked like she was the perfect antidote for this deadly infection of Feelings.