Steve Watches Transformers: Rise of the Fallen
This film makes me want to both destroy things and myself.
00:41 These science-fictiony sounds over the titles aren't getting you off to a good start, fellahs.
01:01 Slow down, Optimus! What do you mean, Earth is the birthplace of the human race? I didn't see the original, so you can't just jump in with these insider concepts
01:08 For the record, the Transformers are not “not unlike” people. Transformers don't have minorities or labia.
02:13 Ancient astronaut theory? What a brash seducer you are, Mr. Bay!
03:21 RELIANCE ON BACKSTORY VOICEOVER IS BAD STORYTELLING! THAT MAKES ME ANGRY!
07:00 He just cut that Decepticon in half. If they're technically sentient beings, doesn't that make it horrific and brutal murder? Why are they trying to round up the Decepticons, anyway? There's a lot of Victorian and racist ideals at work here, methinks.
07:27 They just dropped Optimus out of a damn plane over Shanghai. Isn't this supposed to be a secret mission to capture three-story robots?
08:50 Optimus just executed a fallen enemy. We're ten minutes in and I can't help but feel that this movie was written by Stalin.
09:04 “Home theatre” does not rhyme with “home theatre”. That is stupid.
10:52 Oh, yeah. Meagan “I have stub thumbs!” Fox is in this movie, as well as her anus. I wonder which we'll see more of.
12:47 There's a little gremlin Transformer with a giant penis now. I don't understand this movie. Why is there a little gremlin Transformer with a giant penis? Why did he ejaculate electricity onto the bowl of fruit? Are we sure Nick Cage won't show up later?
17:21 The slapstick is stupid. The romance is stupid. They should have just re-released the animated film. Now that's a fuckin' awesome flick.
18:41 Okay, Soundwave as a spy satellite is pretty cool, although a character called “Soundwave” in space is stupid. Wait, what the fuck was that giant robot at the beginning supposed to be?
23:25 I don't think we need the Petty Bureaucrat Who Doesn't Understand the Greater Good Provided By Our Rambunctious Heroes. The PBWDUTGGPBORH has been stale for fifteen years.
23:58 For all their talk of national security, these jackholes are bandying about a lot of classified info. Methinks it's another critique of the current government by Comrade Bay.
25:19 It shouldn't be too hard for you to feel smarter, Michael Bay's Idiotic Caricature of a Middle-American Mom, since you've proven yourself dumber than baby food.
25:32 “It's a scene in a college dorm. What do we play?”
“Green Day!”
“But we listened to Green Day when we went to college ten years ag-”
“GREEN DAY!”
Also note, a Green Day song critical of the government.
26:45 I don't think anyone who made this movie has any sense of reality whatsoever. They've all bought into Michael Bay's occidentocentric recidivist anti-humanism. Except Megan Fox and her anus, who lost their minds looking too long at Megan Fox's Cthulthumbs.
27:34 What goddamn rating is this? PG-13!? It should be at least an NC-17, not just for the Date Movie-level humor, but for being godawful.
28:47 Crude marijuana humor? Really? We're going to subject the audience and MBICOAMAM to crude marijuana humor? Is she going to eat these pot brownies and then go for a large pizza?
29:41 Can you do something about Michael Bay, Kev? He hates America.
30:48 Considering the enemy is giant space-robots, this TOP SECRET military base has shitty defenses. Michael Bay, are you commenting on American preparedness before 9/11?
34:23 PEOPLE DO NOT GO TO TRANSFORMERS MOVIES FOR TEEN ROMANCE BULLSHIT! THEY WATCH THE CW FOR THAT!
35:23 I did enjoy that dig at frat boys. They do wear tight shirts.
39:51 No deep-sea animals but octopi love Megatron. He abhors bones.
43:42 Oh, no, Rainn Wilson! Not you, too!
45:34 Michael Bay's desire for the past is greater than I suspected; he wants to go pre-Christian, somehow.
48:07 And now the good guys are resorting to torture. I think this movie, fucking terrible as it is, might be one of the greatest cultural artifacts of our time.
54:33 Shia LeBeouaiouef being pursued by an enemy during a car chase across a college campus? What movie is this?
55:46 It's a really good job that that wouldn't be entirely fatal. People survive being dropped in cars from helicopters all the time.
57:28 Hugo Weaving holding down the key to humanity's future while a mechanical worm enters said key's body? What movie is this?
61:48 Optimus Prime literally just ripped a Decepticon's head off in two chunks. The level of violence at work here would make Jigsaw blanche.
62:17 Oh, don't be so dramatic. Optimus has died over six-hundred times. Maybe this way we'll get to see some fuckin' Rodimus Prime action!
65:22 Shit moves awful fast through space in this movie.
66:06 An entire planet to land on, and these things all go straight through a US aircraft carrier. KIA by improbable odds and/or Michael Bay's hatred of America.
67:19 Goddamn it. MBICOAMAM is back to shriek and be dumber than brick-moss.
68:44 Obama mentioned as president by name? Curiouser and curiouser.... Michael Bay blames black people for 9/11, obviously.
69:53 I was wrong when I said the Transformers didn't have minorities. They at least have further proof that Michael Bay hates black people. We are now only separated by labia.
70:30 Shit, Megatron, I would have defiled the hell out of that corpse.
70:48 And the helicopter just flies away. “Hey, here's your giant, dead robot.....'kay, take it easy!”
71:16 And PBWDUTGGPBORH is also back! Hip-hip! Go-'way! Hip-hip! Go-'way!
73:47 All of my astounded thoughts at the comparison of Optimus to Jesus (please, bacon is Jesus) aside, I can't help but wonder where they got all these fucking oil lamps.
74:40 God Almighty, can Hollywood please actually get online and stop naming all of their hackers like they're on a “chah-trume” in 1995?
75:22 Ah, John Turturro. Look at what you've become: Diet Goldblum.
77:14 A swine flu joke. How topical. It reminds me of all the Spanish flu jokes in A Farewell to Arms.
80:35 No one needed to see Turturro's pubes, Michael Bay. Why do you hate America?
81:42 TASERS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!
85:40 I didn't anticipate saying this, but he just farted, Kev.
88:10 I think the old, British Transformer has a vagina. I may have been wrong about the labia, too....
97:20 Blah, blah, blah, stupid not-giant-fighting-robots bullshit....
98:39 This is where your comeuppance starts, PBWDUTGGPBORH.
101:28 Michael Bay sees the salvation of humanity in ancient Egypt. I'm starting to suspect he may be a Young-Earth Creationist who wants to destroy America by giving it exactly what it wants.
103:57 Nothing noteworthy just happened, I simply wanted to insult Megan Fox again. She's a vacuous, weirdo attention-whore.
107:05 The heroes just tasered one of their own in the throat.
110:47 I hate to admit how funny the occasional bit of comic relief is here.
110:54 I sure hope that giant, looming truck doesn't turn out to be a Decepticon! Boy, oh, boy, do I!
111:40 I've been wondering this whole movie why the Army has anti-personnel weapons when they're fighting giant robots. Surely they'd stick to rockets and such, right? What are you saying about the nation's ability to combat armor, Michael Bay?
113:45 That is one big fucking robot.
114:17 The plan that only Shia LeBeouiaiuouauiof thinks will work will appear not to work for a few moments, maybe even minutes, but will then work. I'm calling it.
115:37 Another hero callously decapitates another alleged “villain”.
116:14 Shia LeBeefstroganoff's character must be Young Wolverine. It's the only way to explain how he hasn't broken every bone in his body and bled to death.
117:19 THE TERRORISTS WANT OUR SAND!
121:15 I just want to reinforce how brutal the violence present in this film is. Even Bumblebee, who is supposed to be cute and friendly, basically just squeezed/tore the spine out of another robot. How the fuck is this a PG-13!?
121:30 And he just ripped the arms off another.
122:25 Michael Bay is now comparing college to war. What are you saying about intellectualism in this country, Michael Bay?
123:17 So much for the Jordanians. What are you saying about the Coalition of the Willing, Michael Bay? Are Jordan even in the Coalition?
125:10 Yeah, fuck you, Great Pyramid of Cheops! You ain't got nothin' on Michael Bay's giant fuckin' dog-robot, which may have surrogate testicles (reinforcing my battered labia theory).
126:28 Okay, I think they're going to shoot the giant dog-robot off the Great Pyramid with a railgun mounted on a boat several miles away. This might be awesome.
130:30 An explicit scrotum reference on the giant dog-robot. Classy. What are you saying about the state of American popular cinema, Michael Bay?
130:48 The railgun shot was not as awesome as anticipated. Boo, Michael Bay!
134:05 Man, what the fuck, seriously? Are Megan “For the love of God, don't look at my thumbs” Fox's words of love going to bring him back from the dead? How fucking contrived can we be?
138:11 That's the bulkiest goddamn thing I think I've ever seen.
139:13 Optimus made Megatron blow his own head off. What are you saying about assisted suicide, Michael Bay?
???:?? Well, I'm gonna drink myself to death now. Thanks, Michael Bay.
00:41 These science-fictiony sounds over the titles aren't getting you off to a good start, fellahs.
01:01 Slow down, Optimus! What do you mean, Earth is the birthplace of the human race? I didn't see the original, so you can't just jump in with these insider concepts
01:08 For the record, the Transformers are not “not unlike” people. Transformers don't have minorities or labia.
02:13 Ancient astronaut theory? What a brash seducer you are, Mr. Bay!
03:21 RELIANCE ON BACKSTORY VOICEOVER IS BAD STORYTELLING! THAT MAKES ME ANGRY!
07:00 He just cut that Decepticon in half. If they're technically sentient beings, doesn't that make it horrific and brutal murder? Why are they trying to round up the Decepticons, anyway? There's a lot of Victorian and racist ideals at work here, methinks.
07:27 They just dropped Optimus out of a damn plane over Shanghai. Isn't this supposed to be a secret mission to capture three-story robots?
08:50 Optimus just executed a fallen enemy. We're ten minutes in and I can't help but feel that this movie was written by Stalin.
09:04 “Home theatre” does not rhyme with “home theatre”. That is stupid.
10:52 Oh, yeah. Meagan “I have stub thumbs!” Fox is in this movie, as well as her anus. I wonder which we'll see more of.
12:47 There's a little gremlin Transformer with a giant penis now. I don't understand this movie. Why is there a little gremlin Transformer with a giant penis? Why did he ejaculate electricity onto the bowl of fruit? Are we sure Nick Cage won't show up later?
17:21 The slapstick is stupid. The romance is stupid. They should have just re-released the animated film. Now that's a fuckin' awesome flick.
18:41 Okay, Soundwave as a spy satellite is pretty cool, although a character called “Soundwave” in space is stupid. Wait, what the fuck was that giant robot at the beginning supposed to be?
23:25 I don't think we need the Petty Bureaucrat Who Doesn't Understand the Greater Good Provided By Our Rambunctious Heroes. The PBWDUTGGPBORH has been stale for fifteen years.
23:58 For all their talk of national security, these jackholes are bandying about a lot of classified info. Methinks it's another critique of the current government by Comrade Bay.
25:19 It shouldn't be too hard for you to feel smarter, Michael Bay's Idiotic Caricature of a Middle-American Mom, since you've proven yourself dumber than baby food.
25:32 “It's a scene in a college dorm. What do we play?”
“Green Day!”
“But we listened to Green Day when we went to college ten years ag-”
“GREEN DAY!”
Also note, a Green Day song critical of the government.
26:45 I don't think anyone who made this movie has any sense of reality whatsoever. They've all bought into Michael Bay's occidentocentric recidivist anti-humanism. Except Megan Fox and her anus, who lost their minds looking too long at Megan Fox's Cthulthumbs.
27:34 What goddamn rating is this? PG-13!? It should be at least an NC-17, not just for the Date Movie-level humor, but for being godawful.
28:47 Crude marijuana humor? Really? We're going to subject the audience and MBICOAMAM to crude marijuana humor? Is she going to eat these pot brownies and then go for a large pizza?
29:41 Can you do something about Michael Bay, Kev? He hates America.
30:48 Considering the enemy is giant space-robots, this TOP SECRET military base has shitty defenses. Michael Bay, are you commenting on American preparedness before 9/11?
34:23 PEOPLE DO NOT GO TO TRANSFORMERS MOVIES FOR TEEN ROMANCE BULLSHIT! THEY WATCH THE CW FOR THAT!
35:23 I did enjoy that dig at frat boys. They do wear tight shirts.
39:51 No deep-sea animals but octopi love Megatron. He abhors bones.
43:42 Oh, no, Rainn Wilson! Not you, too!
45:34 Michael Bay's desire for the past is greater than I suspected; he wants to go pre-Christian, somehow.
48:07 And now the good guys are resorting to torture. I think this movie, fucking terrible as it is, might be one of the greatest cultural artifacts of our time.
54:33 Shia LeBeouaiouef being pursued by an enemy during a car chase across a college campus? What movie is this?
55:46 It's a really good job that that wouldn't be entirely fatal. People survive being dropped in cars from helicopters all the time.
57:28 Hugo Weaving holding down the key to humanity's future while a mechanical worm enters said key's body? What movie is this?
61:48 Optimus Prime literally just ripped a Decepticon's head off in two chunks. The level of violence at work here would make Jigsaw blanche.
62:17 Oh, don't be so dramatic. Optimus has died over six-hundred times. Maybe this way we'll get to see some fuckin' Rodimus Prime action!
65:22 Shit moves awful fast through space in this movie.
66:06 An entire planet to land on, and these things all go straight through a US aircraft carrier. KIA by improbable odds and/or Michael Bay's hatred of America.
67:19 Goddamn it. MBICOAMAM is back to shriek and be dumber than brick-moss.
68:44 Obama mentioned as president by name? Curiouser and curiouser.... Michael Bay blames black people for 9/11, obviously.
69:53 I was wrong when I said the Transformers didn't have minorities. They at least have further proof that Michael Bay hates black people. We are now only separated by labia.
70:30 Shit, Megatron, I would have defiled the hell out of that corpse.
70:48 And the helicopter just flies away. “Hey, here's your giant, dead robot.....'kay, take it easy!”
71:16 And PBWDUTGGPBORH is also back! Hip-hip! Go-'way! Hip-hip! Go-'way!
73:47 All of my astounded thoughts at the comparison of Optimus to Jesus (please, bacon is Jesus) aside, I can't help but wonder where they got all these fucking oil lamps.
74:40 God Almighty, can Hollywood please actually get online and stop naming all of their hackers like they're on a “chah-trume” in 1995?
75:22 Ah, John Turturro. Look at what you've become: Diet Goldblum.
77:14 A swine flu joke. How topical. It reminds me of all the Spanish flu jokes in A Farewell to Arms.
80:35 No one needed to see Turturro's pubes, Michael Bay. Why do you hate America?
81:42 TASERS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!
85:40 I didn't anticipate saying this, but he just farted, Kev.
88:10 I think the old, British Transformer has a vagina. I may have been wrong about the labia, too....
97:20 Blah, blah, blah, stupid not-giant-fighting-robots bullshit....
98:39 This is where your comeuppance starts, PBWDUTGGPBORH.
101:28 Michael Bay sees the salvation of humanity in ancient Egypt. I'm starting to suspect he may be a Young-Earth Creationist who wants to destroy America by giving it exactly what it wants.
103:57 Nothing noteworthy just happened, I simply wanted to insult Megan Fox again. She's a vacuous, weirdo attention-whore.
107:05 The heroes just tasered one of their own in the throat.
110:47 I hate to admit how funny the occasional bit of comic relief is here.
110:54 I sure hope that giant, looming truck doesn't turn out to be a Decepticon! Boy, oh, boy, do I!
111:40 I've been wondering this whole movie why the Army has anti-personnel weapons when they're fighting giant robots. Surely they'd stick to rockets and such, right? What are you saying about the nation's ability to combat armor, Michael Bay?
113:45 That is one big fucking robot.
114:17 The plan that only Shia LeBeouiaiuouauiof thinks will work will appear not to work for a few moments, maybe even minutes, but will then work. I'm calling it.
115:37 Another hero callously decapitates another alleged “villain”.
116:14 Shia LeBeefstroganoff's character must be Young Wolverine. It's the only way to explain how he hasn't broken every bone in his body and bled to death.
117:19 THE TERRORISTS WANT OUR SAND!
121:15 I just want to reinforce how brutal the violence present in this film is. Even Bumblebee, who is supposed to be cute and friendly, basically just squeezed/tore the spine out of another robot. How the fuck is this a PG-13!?
121:30 And he just ripped the arms off another.
122:25 Michael Bay is now comparing college to war. What are you saying about intellectualism in this country, Michael Bay?
123:17 So much for the Jordanians. What are you saying about the Coalition of the Willing, Michael Bay? Are Jordan even in the Coalition?
125:10 Yeah, fuck you, Great Pyramid of Cheops! You ain't got nothin' on Michael Bay's giant fuckin' dog-robot, which may have surrogate testicles (reinforcing my battered labia theory).
126:28 Okay, I think they're going to shoot the giant dog-robot off the Great Pyramid with a railgun mounted on a boat several miles away. This might be awesome.
130:30 An explicit scrotum reference on the giant dog-robot. Classy. What are you saying about the state of American popular cinema, Michael Bay?
130:48 The railgun shot was not as awesome as anticipated. Boo, Michael Bay!
134:05 Man, what the fuck, seriously? Are Megan “For the love of God, don't look at my thumbs” Fox's words of love going to bring him back from the dead? How fucking contrived can we be?
138:11 That's the bulkiest goddamn thing I think I've ever seen.
139:13 Optimus made Megatron blow his own head off. What are you saying about assisted suicide, Michael Bay?
???:?? Well, I'm gonna drink myself to death now. Thanks, Michael Bay.