Steve Watches Street Fighter - the Legend of Chun-Li
And, as you might imagine, it isn't very good. Had it been made in 1986 and featured more ninjas, it might be a cult classic, but as it is, it's just sort of shitty and in desperate need of a map and a pagodaful of ninjas.
00:00 Option for theatrical release or unrated. Unrated, please, motherfuckers!
01:51 Hong Kong? There better be some classic '80s ninjas up in this joint.
02:59 Moon Bloodgood? That's never a good sign. Also, who names their damn kid Moon Bloodgood? She sounds like a shitty X-Man.
03:24 I bet the dad dies in slow motion or is tortured. Hopefully they all just get the fuck sniped out of them.
04:51 Bring oooooon the ninjas!
04:55 That's a not a ninja; that's Michael Clarke Duncan. He's the polar opposite of a ninja.
05:18 Dude's in a huge kitchen, right next to drawers that are no doubt full of knives and forks and hatchets, but first he throws a can of orange juice. Then he doesn't throw anything but himself. He deserves to get superkilled by the Antininja.
05:50 Well, they're not ninjas, but I guess inept thugs are an acceptable substitute.
06:06 Dude just set his own hand on fire in order to light a chain (yes, these guys are using chains as weapons because they just walked out of Streets of Rage) on fire in order to light the guy wielding the chain on fire. Throwing the candle would've been cheap, I guess.
06:32 It's the handsome blonde dude from Band of Brothers! I always think he's going to be great, but he so rarely is. Truly the one weak link in Walking Tall.
06:43 The Antininja is supposed to be Balrog? Michael Clarke Duncan is a terrible Balrog. Also, of all the henchmen to use, they pick fucking Balrog!? He's the Street Fighter equivalent of a Sum 41 song.
06:45 Handsome Blonde is Bison!? What the crotch is going on here!? Next thing you know, Blanka will show up as an Irish garbage man. Did these people even realize they were working with source material!? Also, dig how upset I'm getting over the artistic fidelity in a damn Street Fighter movie.
07:17 I think they made Bison Irish. Or, he may have had a stroke.
08:06 The older she gets, the whiter she looks.
10:50 She lives in Hong Kong, but doesn't read Chinese? And nor does her friend? Also, Chun-Li (who looks like she's from Delaware) is gonna get jumped on the subway. I hope it's ninjas, but you never know. It might be Dhalsim, played by Warwick Davis in this movie.
11:31 She just stopped to help a dude getting roughed up by thugs. I'm disappointed. But he had a spiderweb tattoo on one hand, so who knows when that'll show back up.
13:42 Yeah, they made M. Bison an Irishman. He just said “slainté”. This is the same M. Bison played by Raul Julia fifteen years ago. Does no one give a fuck about the rules any more!?
14:13 It's Vega! I think he's the dude from the subway! I think he's a large, black man with dreadlocks!
14:37 If this movie had been made in 1986, it'd be a classic.
15:24 It's Chris Kline, and he's stolen the same badass haircut that Nicholas Cage stole in Next. Everyone's rocking the Landon Bob these days. I suspect he'll be Ken.
15:40 I think the director must have just taken Chris Kline to one side and been all “Channel K-Fed.” And then Chris Kline be all like “Fucker say whaaa?”, but the all director say be “Channel K-Fed.”
16:16 He's not Ken; he's Nash. Also, he's awful, but I can't tell he if he's doing it on purpose or not.
16:42 Dude's still alive. No doubt Bison has him working diligently on what the fuck happened to change all the nationalities and identities of all the characters.
17:47 Did he just say “Dang you”? That's stupid.
19:37 Yes, bitch! Scrolls are almost exclusively messages, regardless of how mysterious there are!
20:28 Hand-tattoo just showed up again. I don't think it's Vega, even though I still think Vega's a big, black dude, unlike the lithe Spaniard he used to be. I'm not sure why this bothers me so much, but it does.
22:47 I want a whole movie dedicated to Chris Kline as this character, because, honestly, he is just wonderful. It's like he's somehow impersonating Clint Eastwood impersonating Bruce Willis impersonating Humphrey Bogart, but all the while, he's still Chris Kline.
23:03 Moon Bloodgood, though, would have to be executed, because she's unwatchable even as sexmeat.
25:45 She's been living on the streets of Bangkok for unknown time now, yet she's not been forced into the sex trade and she still looks like she just got out of the shower, except for some mussed hair. I hope she gets fireballed in the face. That would be awesome.
26:53 We're at the point where, if this were a Charles Bronson film, bitches would start getting shot in delicate places with rough guns. Instead, she's probably just going to do some bad wushu and leave a punk still walking.
28:46 Well, these guys can't be up to any good. They're loitering in denim!
29:47 Southeast Asian gang violence may not have as many gun-related deaths, but the amount of martial arts ones must be astronomical. It seems every gang has at least one black belt.
29:54 I should think that move would just chafe the crotch, not send a dude flipping over like a crashing dragster.
31:10 Tattoo-Hand is actually called “Gen”, with a hard G. I think he must be the Ken character, which is stupid.
33:34 I'm pretty sure this script got written on a bet. “You're hurting me!” “No, you're hurting yourself.”
34:12 Okay, awesome. They have fireballs and they're done not-awfully. This pleases me, although I'd prefer more fucking ninjas. Or E. Honda. I'd take E. Honda.
37:09 God bless Chris Kline's attempts at smoldering intensity.
37:19 That's a suspicious number of Humvees and black-clad footsoldiers.
38:39 Wait a second. Are they trying to tell me that Bison, who is at this point indisputably Irish, actually grew up in the slums of Bangkok? What the fuck is going on?
43:23 Chris Kline might be making me fall in love with this film single-handedly.
44:57 One of Bison's henchladies is a lesbian. This is so people will think she has depth, when really, they just want broads kissin' up on each other.
46:49 If this movie wanted to really go for it, the lesbian's head getting smashed into the wall would have laid her ass out. Instead, we get an awkward fight in the ladies' room.
47:49 That's a lot of water spray from just one faucet.
49:07 Inept thugs are cool and all, but every once in a while, it would be great if they just pulled the fucking trigger. Then we could have the whole movie focussed on Chris “Hey, just to let you know, I'm gonna be fantastickin' this joint up” Kline.
50:55 I never noticed how pudgy and sausage-like Bison's fingers are. It's like he had a hand transplant with a giant baby.
51:31 If those were the most dangerous players in Bangkok, then I'm pretty sure The Giant Baby With Bison's Hands could take the place over with a well-placed burp.
51:59 This film has a really awkward attempt at a social message. It keeps showing the elderly and single mothers and such living on the streets of Bangkok, but it just doesn't work in this bad kung-fu-without-too-many-Asians scenario.
53:03 Please, flashback! Please, flashback! Please, flashback!
53:07 Flashbaaaack!
53:27 Two big problems with this flashback, Genny, o' pal. Number the first: you showed a baby of dead Irish immigrants, yet Bison has a full Irish accent. Accents aren't passed down genetically. He should have a Thai accent. Second, that was an Asian baby. We you showing the baby that would later become giant and trade hands with Bison? Why does this film have absolutely no grasp of nationality?
55:05 Okay, ancient Eastern rituals in caves, now we're getting somewhere. Next stop: Ninjaberg! And it's about fucking time.
55:13 Is that a baby or a goat? A baby with a goat accent?
56:14 Yo, Genny, dude, you're about to get your shit wrecked. Hopefully by ninjas, but probably not, 'cause this movie's a goddamned ninjatease.
56:29 An RPG?! What the hell do you want to blow up, Michael Clarke Badbalrog?
57:32 Oh, you sneaky Balrog. You could have just had a sniper there, but only you would have the foresight to send in a tactical unit and then just blow everyone the fuck up with a rocket launcher. That's what got you out of the boxing ring and into the corridors of Bangkok-slum-power.
58:01 Stop crying, Chun-Whitey. If you don't actually see Gen's corpse, then he's not dead. He's got to show up and save you later on, the really die trying to keep your crap-ass alive.
59:21 You could make an argument for this being the first part of a possible superhero story, based on Chun-Li's anonymity, but it's more Elektra than Dark Knight. It's...it's pretty much entirely Elektra.
61:10 Why would you hide that face, Chun-Whitey? He's actually not a bad-looking guy.
61:36 He was no more dangerous than any of the other inept thugs! When you've got a guy with a mythos to him, at least make it a big damn fight.
63:15 Don't put up with that shit, Chris Kline! Go swagger some sense back into that butt-fucking quitter!
64:12 Of all the bad luck! She lands on a van full of armed henchmen! What are the odds?
64:19 There's a tiger roar sound effect that plays sometimes when they think they're doing a big reveal of Bison. It's so adorable and less subtle than anything else in this horrible hodgepodge of a film.
64:35 And we still have no reason for Bison to be Irish. Why is he Irish!? Why!?
66:47 “Even milk has an expiration date”? Milk especially has an expiration date. One inherent characteristic of milk is how quickly it goes sour!
67:33 Literally all of these henchmen wear all black, all the time.
68:52 Who stores watermelons like that!?
70:44 I knew that bastard Gen would be back! He's so Zen, he's rocketproof.
72:10 These supernatural elements just aren't cutting it for me.
73:34 Oh, wait, yeah, there's a plot in here somewhere, isn't there?
75:50 YES! YES! FUCK YES! Chris Kline, jumping away from an explosion in slow-mo! Awesome! Now we just need some fucking ninjas.
78:59 The White Rose is obviously his fucking daughter, okay? How stupid are all of you people? It was probably the girl speaking Russian, 'cause, y'know, genetics and nationalities don't apply here.
79:19 I'm not joking here, but I think the last several shots of Chris Kline have been in slight slow-motion.
80:31 Looking for her? Last time we saw her, she was a baby literally in his hands! If the unrated cut has this many plot holes, the theatrical must be just a net.
84:21 WHY IS HE IRISH!? AND WHY IS HIS DAUGHTER RUSSIAN!?
84:49 That tiger roar is completely ludicrous. It sounds like he's hungry.
85:21 Hang on. If I understand this correctly, and I might not, 'cause it's a raped mess, but I think the good guys are going to have to execute an innocent girl if they want to beat O'Bison.
86:13 I think that was the Hundred-Foot Kick. Kudos.
88:33 I thought his daughter was his only weakness? None of this hoodoo bullshit makes a fucking lick of sense. Down with hoodoo bullshit! Up with Chris Kline!
90:55 No, it wasn't! He wanted you to be a concert pianist, not a scruffy vigilante. You said so right at the start.
92:55 Not a single ninja! What a goddamn gyp!
00:00 Option for theatrical release or unrated. Unrated, please, motherfuckers!
01:51 Hong Kong? There better be some classic '80s ninjas up in this joint.
02:59 Moon Bloodgood? That's never a good sign. Also, who names their damn kid Moon Bloodgood? She sounds like a shitty X-Man.
03:24 I bet the dad dies in slow motion or is tortured. Hopefully they all just get the fuck sniped out of them.
04:51 Bring oooooon the ninjas!
04:55 That's a not a ninja; that's Michael Clarke Duncan. He's the polar opposite of a ninja.
05:18 Dude's in a huge kitchen, right next to drawers that are no doubt full of knives and forks and hatchets, but first he throws a can of orange juice. Then he doesn't throw anything but himself. He deserves to get superkilled by the Antininja.
05:50 Well, they're not ninjas, but I guess inept thugs are an acceptable substitute.
06:06 Dude just set his own hand on fire in order to light a chain (yes, these guys are using chains as weapons because they just walked out of Streets of Rage) on fire in order to light the guy wielding the chain on fire. Throwing the candle would've been cheap, I guess.
06:32 It's the handsome blonde dude from Band of Brothers! I always think he's going to be great, but he so rarely is. Truly the one weak link in Walking Tall.
06:43 The Antininja is supposed to be Balrog? Michael Clarke Duncan is a terrible Balrog. Also, of all the henchmen to use, they pick fucking Balrog!? He's the Street Fighter equivalent of a Sum 41 song.
06:45 Handsome Blonde is Bison!? What the crotch is going on here!? Next thing you know, Blanka will show up as an Irish garbage man. Did these people even realize they were working with source material!? Also, dig how upset I'm getting over the artistic fidelity in a damn Street Fighter movie.
07:17 I think they made Bison Irish. Or, he may have had a stroke.
08:06 The older she gets, the whiter she looks.
10:50 She lives in Hong Kong, but doesn't read Chinese? And nor does her friend? Also, Chun-Li (who looks like she's from Delaware) is gonna get jumped on the subway. I hope it's ninjas, but you never know. It might be Dhalsim, played by Warwick Davis in this movie.
11:31 She just stopped to help a dude getting roughed up by thugs. I'm disappointed. But he had a spiderweb tattoo on one hand, so who knows when that'll show back up.
13:42 Yeah, they made M. Bison an Irishman. He just said “slainté”. This is the same M. Bison played by Raul Julia fifteen years ago. Does no one give a fuck about the rules any more!?
14:13 It's Vega! I think he's the dude from the subway! I think he's a large, black man with dreadlocks!
14:37 If this movie had been made in 1986, it'd be a classic.
15:24 It's Chris Kline, and he's stolen the same badass haircut that Nicholas Cage stole in Next. Everyone's rocking the Landon Bob these days. I suspect he'll be Ken.
15:40 I think the director must have just taken Chris Kline to one side and been all “Channel K-Fed.” And then Chris Kline be all like “Fucker say whaaa?”, but the all director say be “Channel K-Fed.”
16:16 He's not Ken; he's Nash. Also, he's awful, but I can't tell he if he's doing it on purpose or not.
16:42 Dude's still alive. No doubt Bison has him working diligently on what the fuck happened to change all the nationalities and identities of all the characters.
17:47 Did he just say “Dang you”? That's stupid.
19:37 Yes, bitch! Scrolls are almost exclusively messages, regardless of how mysterious there are!
20:28 Hand-tattoo just showed up again. I don't think it's Vega, even though I still think Vega's a big, black dude, unlike the lithe Spaniard he used to be. I'm not sure why this bothers me so much, but it does.
22:47 I want a whole movie dedicated to Chris Kline as this character, because, honestly, he is just wonderful. It's like he's somehow impersonating Clint Eastwood impersonating Bruce Willis impersonating Humphrey Bogart, but all the while, he's still Chris Kline.
23:03 Moon Bloodgood, though, would have to be executed, because she's unwatchable even as sexmeat.
25:45 She's been living on the streets of Bangkok for unknown time now, yet she's not been forced into the sex trade and she still looks like she just got out of the shower, except for some mussed hair. I hope she gets fireballed in the face. That would be awesome.
26:53 We're at the point where, if this were a Charles Bronson film, bitches would start getting shot in delicate places with rough guns. Instead, she's probably just going to do some bad wushu and leave a punk still walking.
28:46 Well, these guys can't be up to any good. They're loitering in denim!
29:47 Southeast Asian gang violence may not have as many gun-related deaths, but the amount of martial arts ones must be astronomical. It seems every gang has at least one black belt.
29:54 I should think that move would just chafe the crotch, not send a dude flipping over like a crashing dragster.
31:10 Tattoo-Hand is actually called “Gen”, with a hard G. I think he must be the Ken character, which is stupid.
33:34 I'm pretty sure this script got written on a bet. “You're hurting me!” “No, you're hurting yourself.”
34:12 Okay, awesome. They have fireballs and they're done not-awfully. This pleases me, although I'd prefer more fucking ninjas. Or E. Honda. I'd take E. Honda.
37:09 God bless Chris Kline's attempts at smoldering intensity.
37:19 That's a suspicious number of Humvees and black-clad footsoldiers.
38:39 Wait a second. Are they trying to tell me that Bison, who is at this point indisputably Irish, actually grew up in the slums of Bangkok? What the fuck is going on?
43:23 Chris Kline might be making me fall in love with this film single-handedly.
44:57 One of Bison's henchladies is a lesbian. This is so people will think she has depth, when really, they just want broads kissin' up on each other.
46:49 If this movie wanted to really go for it, the lesbian's head getting smashed into the wall would have laid her ass out. Instead, we get an awkward fight in the ladies' room.
47:49 That's a lot of water spray from just one faucet.
49:07 Inept thugs are cool and all, but every once in a while, it would be great if they just pulled the fucking trigger. Then we could have the whole movie focussed on Chris “Hey, just to let you know, I'm gonna be fantastickin' this joint up” Kline.
50:55 I never noticed how pudgy and sausage-like Bison's fingers are. It's like he had a hand transplant with a giant baby.
51:31 If those were the most dangerous players in Bangkok, then I'm pretty sure The Giant Baby With Bison's Hands could take the place over with a well-placed burp.
51:59 This film has a really awkward attempt at a social message. It keeps showing the elderly and single mothers and such living on the streets of Bangkok, but it just doesn't work in this bad kung-fu-without-too-many-Asians scenario.
53:03 Please, flashback! Please, flashback! Please, flashback!
53:07 Flashbaaaack!
53:27 Two big problems with this flashback, Genny, o' pal. Number the first: you showed a baby of dead Irish immigrants, yet Bison has a full Irish accent. Accents aren't passed down genetically. He should have a Thai accent. Second, that was an Asian baby. We you showing the baby that would later become giant and trade hands with Bison? Why does this film have absolutely no grasp of nationality?
55:05 Okay, ancient Eastern rituals in caves, now we're getting somewhere. Next stop: Ninjaberg! And it's about fucking time.
55:13 Is that a baby or a goat? A baby with a goat accent?
56:14 Yo, Genny, dude, you're about to get your shit wrecked. Hopefully by ninjas, but probably not, 'cause this movie's a goddamned ninjatease.
56:29 An RPG?! What the hell do you want to blow up, Michael Clarke Badbalrog?
57:32 Oh, you sneaky Balrog. You could have just had a sniper there, but only you would have the foresight to send in a tactical unit and then just blow everyone the fuck up with a rocket launcher. That's what got you out of the boxing ring and into the corridors of Bangkok-slum-power.
58:01 Stop crying, Chun-Whitey. If you don't actually see Gen's corpse, then he's not dead. He's got to show up and save you later on, the really die trying to keep your crap-ass alive.
59:21 You could make an argument for this being the first part of a possible superhero story, based on Chun-Li's anonymity, but it's more Elektra than Dark Knight. It's...it's pretty much entirely Elektra.
61:10 Why would you hide that face, Chun-Whitey? He's actually not a bad-looking guy.
61:36 He was no more dangerous than any of the other inept thugs! When you've got a guy with a mythos to him, at least make it a big damn fight.
63:15 Don't put up with that shit, Chris Kline! Go swagger some sense back into that butt-fucking quitter!
64:12 Of all the bad luck! She lands on a van full of armed henchmen! What are the odds?
64:19 There's a tiger roar sound effect that plays sometimes when they think they're doing a big reveal of Bison. It's so adorable and less subtle than anything else in this horrible hodgepodge of a film.
64:35 And we still have no reason for Bison to be Irish. Why is he Irish!? Why!?
66:47 “Even milk has an expiration date”? Milk especially has an expiration date. One inherent characteristic of milk is how quickly it goes sour!
67:33 Literally all of these henchmen wear all black, all the time.
68:52 Who stores watermelons like that!?
70:44 I knew that bastard Gen would be back! He's so Zen, he's rocketproof.
72:10 These supernatural elements just aren't cutting it for me.
73:34 Oh, wait, yeah, there's a plot in here somewhere, isn't there?
75:50 YES! YES! FUCK YES! Chris Kline, jumping away from an explosion in slow-mo! Awesome! Now we just need some fucking ninjas.
78:59 The White Rose is obviously his fucking daughter, okay? How stupid are all of you people? It was probably the girl speaking Russian, 'cause, y'know, genetics and nationalities don't apply here.
79:19 I'm not joking here, but I think the last several shots of Chris Kline have been in slight slow-motion.
80:31 Looking for her? Last time we saw her, she was a baby literally in his hands! If the unrated cut has this many plot holes, the theatrical must be just a net.
84:21 WHY IS HE IRISH!? AND WHY IS HIS DAUGHTER RUSSIAN!?
84:49 That tiger roar is completely ludicrous. It sounds like he's hungry.
85:21 Hang on. If I understand this correctly, and I might not, 'cause it's a raped mess, but I think the good guys are going to have to execute an innocent girl if they want to beat O'Bison.
86:13 I think that was the Hundred-Foot Kick. Kudos.
88:33 I thought his daughter was his only weakness? None of this hoodoo bullshit makes a fucking lick of sense. Down with hoodoo bullshit! Up with Chris Kline!
90:55 No, it wasn't! He wanted you to be a concert pianist, not a scruffy vigilante. You said so right at the start.
92:55 Not a single ninja! What a goddamn gyp!