Steve Watches The Postman
... and, good Lord, it was gruelling. Three hours, that movie is. Three fucking hours. Also, the every-Thursday-thing isn't working, so, just, when I can.
00:00 Two hours and fifty-seven minutes?! Oh, Jesus, I can't not finish two films in a row!
00:37 The year is 2013. Well-timed, since, as we all know, the world will be royally fucked up in December of 2012.
00:51 I refuse to believe that Kevin Costner's character is bouncing on a trampoline in the middle of what appears to be the dry bed of the Great Salt Lake. On the other hand, read that back from “Kevin Costner”, but this time in italics and ending in exclamations.
01:36 I was going to comment about how this irritating voice-over is actually spot-on about a lot of the theoretical aftereffects of a nuclear war, when the titles told me that Tom Petty is in this fucking film!? What!?
01:56 Okay, just ignoring that there's a lone lion just wandering North America here - we'll assume he escaped from a zoo and hasn't found anyone else yet, but has managed to avoid all of the ill-effects of nuke-o-caust - why the fuck is it in the middle of the Mojave desert!?
02:13 Whenever I see “Casting by Joe Schmoe, C.S.A.” I always giggle about the Civil War.
03:43 Kev just got mad at his horse for being a horse, but then relied on the horse's horseness to make a potentially life-or-death decision.
05:11 Kev, that TV cannot possibly work.
06:38 Kev, your last shitty apocalypse film featured cigarettes as currency. It's poor form to do it twice in a row.
07:23 Kev, you may claim to avoid civilization at all costs (inexplicably), but it's really just civilization avoiding your shitty movies. ZING! Also, that's not civilization, that's the Colonial Times Reenactment Park.
08:14 Kev, I will allow for a piano in perfect working order under the Lion Precedent, but how are they tuning it so perfectly?
10:15 I recognize you, you surly, darkskinned man.
10:42 I recognize you, too, smiley old-timer.
12:39 Kev, is Will's name General Bethlehem? 'cause that might just be awesome.
13:02 How does everyone fucking recognize Shakespeare from one of the obscurer lines from Macbeth!?
20:18 This is where Kev out-Shakespeares Will in front of an audience entirely of Will's lackeys. Of course, I'm reasonably sure a mummy's petrified ballsack could out-Shakespeare both of them combined.
21:29 This film needs MC Gainey. Also, my prediction of the Shakespeare-off was wrong. They congratulate each other and then start fighting.
22:45 And so begins the awkward motif of Shakespeare-as-civilization.
24:54 They may be eating Kev's mule. Sucks, brah.
26:30 First off, fuck all you postapoc chumps for booing Universal Soldier. Secondly, why does it take a dude restarting the Postal Service to revive America when they have fucking Universal Soldier!?
29:07 Are they really going to refer to themselves as 'clansmen', even after Will rejected a candidate for being too 'Mongoloid'? THIS CIVIL WAR RECONSTRUCTION ALLEGORY SUCKS!
30:53 Some stupid dude just stopped the surly darkskinned man and accused him of having some black ancestry. It's pretty goddamn obvious that the surly darkskinned man is at least half-black.
31:14 Kev, did you mean to make Will look like General Zod in this scene? Is he going to order to you KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!!
34:56 Nice fade, Kev. Credit where credit's due; nice fade.
37:05 Giovanni Ribisi, your role here may entirely unravel the quality blanket of your resume.
37:06 I just farted, Kev.
39:48 So, Kev jumps into the river to escape, so they send a known confederate of his into the river after him with nothing but the honor system to keep them from escaping together? This is the dumbest army ever. But then, what do I expect from one led by a former copier salesman?
43:45 Oh, this dude's gonna get the shit lioned out of him.
43:54 Called it!
47:39 Wait, Kev, wait. Did you just steal your powerful symbol from a corpse?
55:01 Okay, Kev, that's actually a pretty funny joke.
55:10 Oh! You're the villainous State Trooper leader from Super Troopers! That's where I know you from, buddy.
59:04 And guitar strings? Where did they get the guitar strings, or a complete drumset? You're overburdening the Lion Precedent, Kev.
60:56 And I quote “So, as far as you know, you have good semen.”
63:07 THE BLIND PROPHET IS A CLICHE, KEV, A CLICHE!
65:51 There's a lot of a kind of reverence and lore here, some deep Americana, but it's all glossed over with it being a damn postman. I don't know what else it could be, but does it have to be a postman?
71:54 This is awkward foreplay, Kev.
72:54 I think this sex scene took place in real time. Also, a boobie.
75:45 After Kev gives an impromptu speech about how things are getting better, a small girl starts singing 'America the Beautiful'. If this crowd takes it up, I'm gonna flip my shit.
77:23 Kev, that dialogue makes no sense.
79:44 I'm torn, because there's a very strong message about the nature of America here, but it's buried in jingoism and a stupid, stupid vehicle - a mail truck.
82:12 The vassal's didn't believe that, Will; the lords did. No wonder the country's fucked, what with this substandard education system.
84:09 You can always tell when it's the apocalypse because gloves stop having fingers.
92:47 Also, after an entire movie's runtime with basically balls-all happening, we're at a point where they're using artillery and automatic cannons. Hopefully it's a turning point.
94:33 Kev, you've been shot, Kev, but there's still the second half of the movie to go (Christ!) yet, Kev. Don't die, Kev.
95:53 She just beat a man's head in with a rock. Kudos, woman-who-Kev-knocked-up-on-the-insistence-of-her-husband-who-Will-then-shot-dead-for-not-blessing-him-raping-you.
98:58 Also, yes, Will's name is Gen. Bethlehem. This is weighty and stupid.
99:09 Kev, when a woman has a straight-razor to your throat, DO NOT THREATEN HER WITH A SPOON!
100:14 A lot of horses get eaten in this movie. Also, I can't help but imagine how much awesomer this film would be with Nicholas Cage phoning it in as the lead. America would be restored by adorable, disingenuous smirks.
103:44 No one forgets Tang, Kev. Tang is immortal.
104:18 STOP THE PRESSES! The woman who slept with Kev in order to get knocked up is going to have a baby! Mission accomplished!
105:01 The timeframes in this movie either don't make sense or aren't properly conveyed. America has gone bust, Kev, not the fucking timestream!
106:11 A gutshot man and a pregnant woman survived a winter in the mountains of the Pacific Northwest with only a single horse for food? THIS FILM TAKES TOO MANY LIBERTIES WITH REALITY, KEV! STOP IT!
107:33 Why are the paradise cities in post-apocalyptic movies always named something like Sanctuary or Haven or St. Rose? Why can't humanity be flourishing in Grimsby or Scranton?
112:44 This is...this is ridiculous. This is really ridiculous. A whole postal service shot up over the course of one winter? They have tall tales about a man in just a few months?
115:43 So, Kev can survive a gutshot with no resources but the shirt on his back, yet Will - who literally has an entire army at his beck and call - still has his arm in a sling from a nick several months ago? MORALITY DOES NOT AFFECT HEALING CAPABILITIES!
116:47 Don't turn your hats backwards, don't! Kev, you're doing these kids a disservice!
118:08 I'd reiterate how little sense some of this makes, but it's really all of it.
121:00 I really don't think the mail is actually this important. Also, why do half of these people even wear gloves, regardless of the gloves' finger situation?
123:18 Kev, your film is a lot like sex in that it's incompetent and blundering length sucks any and all pleasure from it, leaving but a chore.
127:06 In The Postman, Kev names a town 'Elvis'. He would later play a psychopathic Elvis impersonator in the unduly slandered 3,000 Miles to Graceland.
128:06 Not even an apocalypse can keep the postmen from going postal! Ba-dum-tsh!
134:17 My prediction for the ending, which is still a half-a-fucking hour away: Kev is gonna challenge Will to single combat and win, whereupon he will absorb Will's army into the Postal Service.
136:12 Where's Tom Petty in all of this?
139:44 I'm pretty sure this movie's based on a book. A book I may just have to write my dissertation on, because this is fucking weird as shit.
145:37 Film...so long. Not...enough...steam. Having hard...time...calculating....minutes.....
146:55 There you are, Tom!
151:28 Tom Petty might actually be playing himself. I'm not kidding; not making some sort of joke about his poor acting or anything. I really think Tom Petty is playing Tom Petty, who has become the mayor of a town built onto a dam in the post-apocalypse. On the other hand, I've been watching The Postman for the past four hours (not an exaggeration), so who knows what's real any more?
152:09 Lady, he's the fucking postman! Keep your box in your shorts! Also, shouldn't you be, like, four or five months preggo by now?
155:43 ENOUGH MONTAGES, ALREADY!
157:23 Gearing up for the final battle, and this army of postal carriers (what!?) look a lot like the Union cavalry.
159:03 Now we see if spit and spirit and penny candy can stand up to five-pound field guns. I bet “No”, but Kev probably bets “Hell yeah”.
159:23 You should get your picture on the wall and a t-shirt if you finish this goddamn film.
161:15 Awwwwww, shit! It's on now!
162:50 For a clash of titans, this seems a lot like a pair of four-year-olds squabbling over their favorite Hot Wheels car.
165:59 Kev screams that there's gonna be peace and everyone just nods their heads like “Yeah, okay, that sounds good.”
167:59 That was really anticlimactic. Three hours for that?
168:52 YOU NAMED THE KID 'HOPE'!? SERIOUSLY?! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!? OOOOH, YOU UNIMAGINATIVE TWAT!
169:49 There is no fucking way they rebuilt that much in thirty years, Kev; there's just no fucking way they go from horseback and home-made to goddamn broadcast TV.
171:15 Kev, just end the film already.
171:36 Thank Christ!
00:00 Two hours and fifty-seven minutes?! Oh, Jesus, I can't not finish two films in a row!
00:37 The year is 2013. Well-timed, since, as we all know, the world will be royally fucked up in December of 2012.
00:51 I refuse to believe that Kevin Costner's character is bouncing on a trampoline in the middle of what appears to be the dry bed of the Great Salt Lake. On the other hand, read that back from “Kevin Costner”, but this time in italics and ending in exclamations.
01:36 I was going to comment about how this irritating voice-over is actually spot-on about a lot of the theoretical aftereffects of a nuclear war, when the titles told me that Tom Petty is in this fucking film!? What!?
01:56 Okay, just ignoring that there's a lone lion just wandering North America here - we'll assume he escaped from a zoo and hasn't found anyone else yet, but has managed to avoid all of the ill-effects of nuke-o-caust - why the fuck is it in the middle of the Mojave desert!?
02:13 Whenever I see “Casting by Joe Schmoe, C.S.A.” I always giggle about the Civil War.
03:43 Kev just got mad at his horse for being a horse, but then relied on the horse's horseness to make a potentially life-or-death decision.
05:11 Kev, that TV cannot possibly work.
06:38 Kev, your last shitty apocalypse film featured cigarettes as currency. It's poor form to do it twice in a row.
07:23 Kev, you may claim to avoid civilization at all costs (inexplicably), but it's really just civilization avoiding your shitty movies. ZING! Also, that's not civilization, that's the Colonial Times Reenactment Park.
08:14 Kev, I will allow for a piano in perfect working order under the Lion Precedent, but how are they tuning it so perfectly?
10:15 I recognize you, you surly, darkskinned man.
10:42 I recognize you, too, smiley old-timer.
12:39 Kev, is Will's name General Bethlehem? 'cause that might just be awesome.
13:02 How does everyone fucking recognize Shakespeare from one of the obscurer lines from Macbeth!?
20:18 This is where Kev out-Shakespeares Will in front of an audience entirely of Will's lackeys. Of course, I'm reasonably sure a mummy's petrified ballsack could out-Shakespeare both of them combined.
21:29 This film needs MC Gainey. Also, my prediction of the Shakespeare-off was wrong. They congratulate each other and then start fighting.
22:45 And so begins the awkward motif of Shakespeare-as-civilization.
24:54 They may be eating Kev's mule. Sucks, brah.
26:30 First off, fuck all you postapoc chumps for booing Universal Soldier. Secondly, why does it take a dude restarting the Postal Service to revive America when they have fucking Universal Soldier!?
29:07 Are they really going to refer to themselves as 'clansmen', even after Will rejected a candidate for being too 'Mongoloid'? THIS CIVIL WAR RECONSTRUCTION ALLEGORY SUCKS!
30:53 Some stupid dude just stopped the surly darkskinned man and accused him of having some black ancestry. It's pretty goddamn obvious that the surly darkskinned man is at least half-black.
31:14 Kev, did you mean to make Will look like General Zod in this scene? Is he going to order to you KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!!
34:56 Nice fade, Kev. Credit where credit's due; nice fade.
37:05 Giovanni Ribisi, your role here may entirely unravel the quality blanket of your resume.
37:06 I just farted, Kev.
39:48 So, Kev jumps into the river to escape, so they send a known confederate of his into the river after him with nothing but the honor system to keep them from escaping together? This is the dumbest army ever. But then, what do I expect from one led by a former copier salesman?
43:45 Oh, this dude's gonna get the shit lioned out of him.
43:54 Called it!
47:39 Wait, Kev, wait. Did you just steal your powerful symbol from a corpse?
55:01 Okay, Kev, that's actually a pretty funny joke.
55:10 Oh! You're the villainous State Trooper leader from Super Troopers! That's where I know you from, buddy.
59:04 And guitar strings? Where did they get the guitar strings, or a complete drumset? You're overburdening the Lion Precedent, Kev.
60:56 And I quote “So, as far as you know, you have good semen.”
63:07 THE BLIND PROPHET IS A CLICHE, KEV, A CLICHE!
65:51 There's a lot of a kind of reverence and lore here, some deep Americana, but it's all glossed over with it being a damn postman. I don't know what else it could be, but does it have to be a postman?
71:54 This is awkward foreplay, Kev.
72:54 I think this sex scene took place in real time. Also, a boobie.
75:45 After Kev gives an impromptu speech about how things are getting better, a small girl starts singing 'America the Beautiful'. If this crowd takes it up, I'm gonna flip my shit.
77:23 Kev, that dialogue makes no sense.
79:44 I'm torn, because there's a very strong message about the nature of America here, but it's buried in jingoism and a stupid, stupid vehicle - a mail truck.
82:12 The vassal's didn't believe that, Will; the lords did. No wonder the country's fucked, what with this substandard education system.
84:09 You can always tell when it's the apocalypse because gloves stop having fingers.
92:47 Also, after an entire movie's runtime with basically balls-all happening, we're at a point where they're using artillery and automatic cannons. Hopefully it's a turning point.
94:33 Kev, you've been shot, Kev, but there's still the second half of the movie to go (Christ!) yet, Kev. Don't die, Kev.
95:53 She just beat a man's head in with a rock. Kudos, woman-who-Kev-knocked-up-on-the-insistence-of-her-husband-who-Will-then-shot-dead-for-not-blessing-him-raping-you.
98:58 Also, yes, Will's name is Gen. Bethlehem. This is weighty and stupid.
99:09 Kev, when a woman has a straight-razor to your throat, DO NOT THREATEN HER WITH A SPOON!
100:14 A lot of horses get eaten in this movie. Also, I can't help but imagine how much awesomer this film would be with Nicholas Cage phoning it in as the lead. America would be restored by adorable, disingenuous smirks.
103:44 No one forgets Tang, Kev. Tang is immortal.
104:18 STOP THE PRESSES! The woman who slept with Kev in order to get knocked up is going to have a baby! Mission accomplished!
105:01 The timeframes in this movie either don't make sense or aren't properly conveyed. America has gone bust, Kev, not the fucking timestream!
106:11 A gutshot man and a pregnant woman survived a winter in the mountains of the Pacific Northwest with only a single horse for food? THIS FILM TAKES TOO MANY LIBERTIES WITH REALITY, KEV! STOP IT!
107:33 Why are the paradise cities in post-apocalyptic movies always named something like Sanctuary or Haven or St. Rose? Why can't humanity be flourishing in Grimsby or Scranton?
112:44 This is...this is ridiculous. This is really ridiculous. A whole postal service shot up over the course of one winter? They have tall tales about a man in just a few months?
115:43 So, Kev can survive a gutshot with no resources but the shirt on his back, yet Will - who literally has an entire army at his beck and call - still has his arm in a sling from a nick several months ago? MORALITY DOES NOT AFFECT HEALING CAPABILITIES!
116:47 Don't turn your hats backwards, don't! Kev, you're doing these kids a disservice!
118:08 I'd reiterate how little sense some of this makes, but it's really all of it.
121:00 I really don't think the mail is actually this important. Also, why do half of these people even wear gloves, regardless of the gloves' finger situation?
123:18 Kev, your film is a lot like sex in that it's incompetent and blundering length sucks any and all pleasure from it, leaving but a chore.
127:06 In The Postman, Kev names a town 'Elvis'. He would later play a psychopathic Elvis impersonator in the unduly slandered 3,000 Miles to Graceland.
128:06 Not even an apocalypse can keep the postmen from going postal! Ba-dum-tsh!
134:17 My prediction for the ending, which is still a half-a-fucking hour away: Kev is gonna challenge Will to single combat and win, whereupon he will absorb Will's army into the Postal Service.
136:12 Where's Tom Petty in all of this?
139:44 I'm pretty sure this movie's based on a book. A book I may just have to write my dissertation on, because this is fucking weird as shit.
145:37 Film...so long. Not...enough...steam. Having hard...time...calculating....minutes.....
146:55 There you are, Tom!
151:28 Tom Petty might actually be playing himself. I'm not kidding; not making some sort of joke about his poor acting or anything. I really think Tom Petty is playing Tom Petty, who has become the mayor of a town built onto a dam in the post-apocalypse. On the other hand, I've been watching The Postman for the past four hours (not an exaggeration), so who knows what's real any more?
152:09 Lady, he's the fucking postman! Keep your box in your shorts! Also, shouldn't you be, like, four or five months preggo by now?
155:43 ENOUGH MONTAGES, ALREADY!
157:23 Gearing up for the final battle, and this army of postal carriers (what!?) look a lot like the Union cavalry.
159:03 Now we see if spit and spirit and penny candy can stand up to five-pound field guns. I bet “No”, but Kev probably bets “Hell yeah”.
159:23 You should get your picture on the wall and a t-shirt if you finish this goddamn film.
161:15 Awwwwww, shit! It's on now!
162:50 For a clash of titans, this seems a lot like a pair of four-year-olds squabbling over their favorite Hot Wheels car.
165:59 Kev screams that there's gonna be peace and everyone just nods their heads like “Yeah, okay, that sounds good.”
167:59 That was really anticlimactic. Three hours for that?
168:52 YOU NAMED THE KID 'HOPE'!? SERIOUSLY?! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!? OOOOH, YOU UNIMAGINATIVE TWAT!
169:49 There is no fucking way they rebuilt that much in thirty years, Kev; there's just no fucking way they go from horseback and home-made to goddamn broadcast TV.
171:15 Kev, just end the film already.
171:36 Thank Christ!