shout. !
i'm happy. very happy. i'm not sure if i like it. for the past year and a half or so, i've been anywhere from mildly depressed to "omfg you almost killed yourself!" depressed. now, i'm happy. my life really is wonderful. but on the other hand, i'm a fucking bum! i still don't have a job, i don't really look for a job, and hcc (currently the lone bastion of purpose and occupation in my life) is still months away. my daily routine for the past couple weeks: head over to jim's at 11/11:30. we'll sit around, smoke cigarettes, watch tv and swear. around 1:00, we get up and eat something. then we'll go pick up bob from westfield. back to jim's. some days we'll blow our brains out, other days will be a bit lighter. then, more sitting around. more cigarettes. more tv. more swearing. it's what i do. and it's wonderful.
the other day we were all sitting around, and i looked around at everyone and realized that save a couple of them, i've been around these same exact people consistently since about the second grade. there's a part of that, a very big part, that just makes me think, wow, that's fucking awesome. but then again, is it really? i think about it a lot, and i can't put together an answer. i know i'm out for something better, just not at the moment, and that's perfectly alright with me. for the time being, i find myself in terrific company, in a comfortable, familiar atmosphere. you can call it an ultimately futile attempt to hang onto what was a truly stellar childhood. i don't care if you do, really. i know i'm not going to make it in college. i could list a thousand reasons, but i'm not going to. i just can't think anymore. when i was sad all the time, it was a lot easier to get in touch with myself and feel real feelings. now, i don't care enough to think about stuff like that. because i don't need to. on the same note, i don't think about much of anything anymore, and that's where my problem lies. it's like i've lost myself, but the thing is, i've been here the whole time. maybe i'm still here, the real joe, back to how i was before the nasty shroud of sadness and emotional bullshit. to personify the situation, perhaps it's just my psyche dealing with my depressed self leaving and never coming back. and he said he was just going out for cigs.
the other day we were all sitting around, and i looked around at everyone and realized that save a couple of them, i've been around these same exact people consistently since about the second grade. there's a part of that, a very big part, that just makes me think, wow, that's fucking awesome. but then again, is it really? i think about it a lot, and i can't put together an answer. i know i'm out for something better, just not at the moment, and that's perfectly alright with me. for the time being, i find myself in terrific company, in a comfortable, familiar atmosphere. you can call it an ultimately futile attempt to hang onto what was a truly stellar childhood. i don't care if you do, really. i know i'm not going to make it in college. i could list a thousand reasons, but i'm not going to. i just can't think anymore. when i was sad all the time, it was a lot easier to get in touch with myself and feel real feelings. now, i don't care enough to think about stuff like that. because i don't need to. on the same note, i don't think about much of anything anymore, and that's where my problem lies. it's like i've lost myself, but the thing is, i've been here the whole time. maybe i'm still here, the real joe, back to how i was before the nasty shroud of sadness and emotional bullshit. to personify the situation, perhaps it's just my psyche dealing with my depressed self leaving and never coming back. and he said he was just going out for cigs.