Работа над книгой: анализ моего перевода профессионалом
Ну, гурманы и инглиш лавэрз - садитесь поудобнее.
На днях я поделилась грандиозным событием - я села переводить нашу книжку на английский и с гордостью выложила первую страницу. Ее отредактировали и вернули мне на доработку.
Писателям тоже можно послушать - потому что примерно так, в пух и прах мой папа размазывал и мои ранние русскоязычные творческие потуги, перековав из наглого графомана в исполнительного лауреата:) Я очень люблю критику от компетентных людей и считаю, что умение что-то хорошо делать, с получаением больших денег и регалий за это - залог не просто таланта, а и изнуряющих тренировок. И что писатель или переводчик ничем не отличается от спортивного гимнаста, например, который, пусть талантливый, с отличными данными - без зверя-тренера и тысяч часов в зале, никогда б не научлся всем этим сальто и прыжкам с перекладинами.
Мой папа преподает теорию и практику перевода уже почти сорок лет. До того он много лет проработал в "Интуристе". Он один из немногих соотечественников, которых я знаю, говорящий по-английски практически без акцента.
Он въедливый, строгий и бескомпромиссный.
Yoga Affair
Revised
I find the Russian text to be a very well written piece and you can ignore my comments to it; the English text does not have “mistakes” - some of the words used do not carry the meaning that you wanted them to carry, that’s all.
For a beginner in translation of fiction it’s very good.
In general I suggest that you do not “translate” your own prose but rewrite it in English.
Highlighted in red are things I want to draw your attention to; highlighted in blue are my textual suggestions; question marks ????? suggest that I am not sure my comment is any good or that other variants are possible,
The Yoga Affair
Sex and Sadness
(in names of books or articles we capitalize all the words except, in some cases, the articles and words like and, to, etc.,
Роман с йогой
1. Печаль и секс
I was twelve and a half when in an “Alien 3” unofficial movie novelization by “Alex Rivenge” I’ve read the following passage:
“And when she leaned towards him, Clemens grasped her in deep embrace and all inconsistences of the past day, all worries, all problems seized to exist for them.” That was the only sexual scene, for you to understand, out of all three volumes. These several niggard sentences accompanied me to sleep every evening for about two years. “The light was dim and the room was emerged in semi-darkness”.
I close my eyes and turn to the side, facing the wall, on my parents’ double bed. The wallpaper is bleached green, with an elongated rhombus-shaped hole -once, that was many years ago, I discovered that if rubbed, the paper goes away, revealing the cold grey concrete. That opened up to me as a sudden searchless revelation.
Мне было двенадцать с половиной лет, когда в книге Алекса Ривенджа «Чужой-3» я прочитала следующую сцену:
«…когда она потянулась к нему, Клеменс сжал ее в объятиях - и все странности последнего дня, вся тревога, все проблемы перестали для него существовать…» Это была единственная сексуальная сцена на весь трёхтомник, чтобы вы понимали. Эти несколько скупых предложений провожали меня спать каждый вечер на протяжении, как минимум, двух лет. Каждый вечер. «Освещение было приглушено и в комнате царил полумрак».
Я закрываю глаза и отворачиваюсь к стенке на родительской двуспальной кровати. На стенке зеленые потертые обои с небольшой вытянутой ромбовидной дырой - когда-то, много лет назад, я обнаружила, что если тут сильно потереть пальцем, то можно добраться аж до бетона, который обнажился передо мной тогда внезапным откровением.
Russian part:
я прочитала следующую сцену - it does seem to sound quite right: прочитать сцену ; maybe прочитала вот что...???? or something along this line??
когда-то, много лет назад, я обнаружила - the narrator is only twelve and a half, so много лет назад would make her too little!
к стенке на родительской двуспальной кровати - probably к стене? And maybe родительской двуспальной moving closer to the beginning of the sentence?
English part:
an “Alien 3” - an is a wrong article;
unofficial movie novelization - it does not explain much and is sort of misleading; “the novel Alien 3 [no invereted commas - italics will do] by Alex Rivenge, based on the Sci-Fi film….”
by “Alex Rivenge” - why inverted commas?
I’ve read the following …. - once you are in the grammatical past, Present Perfect is not used - I read…;
grasped her in deep embrace - clasped her tight in his arms; embraced her warmly; tightly; put his arms around her…;
all inconsistences of the past day, - all the anxieties…;
all worries, all problems - all the worries and petty troubles …;
seized to exist - spelling: ceased to ;
the only sexual scene, - the only sex scene ???????????;
for you to understand, - the reference is not quite clear - for you to better understand what??;
out of all three volumes. - in all the three Alien novels - or is the Alien 3 novels in three volumes?
…several niggard sentences. - first of all, niggard, as a noun, means a grasping, stingy person, a miser; as an adjective it can be used to mean stingy, miserly; also it may sound now old-fashioned; mostly it is used in the form “niggardly”: a niggardly gift, amount, salary, etc., something that is much too small and is given unwillingly (niggardly wages); a niggardly person - unwilling to spend money; несколько скупых предложений - can be rendered as “several simple, artless sentences/phrases;
“The light was dim - the lights were dimmed; with only one dim light on, the room was submerged in semi-darkness;
the room was emerged in semi-darkness” - “submerged” is the word; or you can go around it saying, the room was semi-dark with only dim light on;
turn to the side, facing the wall, - turned to face the wall…;
on my parents’ double bed. - probably this should be moved elsewhere: Lying on my parents’ double bed, I close my eyes and turn to face the wall;
The wallpaper is bleached green - to bleach suggests turning something white or very pale; потертые обои - faded wallpaper;
, that was many years ago, - the same comment as in Russian; in the beginning of the story the narrator says: “I was twelve and a half” - so “many years ago” would reduce the age of the narrator too much.
the paper goes away, revealing the cold grey concrete. - I discovered that if rubbed, the paper goes away, revealing the cold grey concrete can be reworked into: “I discovered that if I rubbed the wallpaper hard enough with my finger the cold gray concrete beneath the paper could be revealed…;
That opened up to me as a sudden searchless revelation. - I am not quite sure what you wanted t express by saying , but внезапным откровением can be rendered as a sudden revelatory discovery, unexpected revelation; serendipitous discovery;
As I was pining at bedtimes, I tried to rub through the concrete as well and maybe dig into another dimension or who knows. Behind my head is a windowsill cracked with moisture, that holds a dense row of flowerpots. There are so many of them that they make something of an extra curtain and the dwellers of the opposite building cannot see how we live here and go to sleep in particular (well at least that what conciliates me and mom). Two orange reading lamps are clipped to the bolster at our heads. Most of my life I sleep here, with mom. This is our bed, our room. A white furniture set is called “Ludovic XIV” and consists of two wardrobes, a round mirror and a dresser. On that place where my crib used to stand is now an armchair. I pile up my clothing and stuff on it get a go from my parents once in a while. Near the armchair there is another window. There is an utter and impenetrable darkness behind it. At daytimes one can see a dove-colored stretch of a little park, some poplars along the road, a metro-line and distant pipes and chimneys of a chemical plant that covers most of the horizon.
В сонном маяньи я пыталась протереть и бетон тоже, чтобы пробраться, возможно, в другое измерение. За моим изголовьем растрескавшийся от влаги подоконник и плотный ряд горшков с растениями. Растений так много, что они создают что-то вроде занавески и жителям соседней шестнадцатиэтажки должно быть не видно, как мы тут живем и ложимся спать в частности (этим мы успокаиваем себя, по крайней мере). К самому изголовью прицеплены две рыжих лампочки на прищепках - одна для мамы, вторая для меня. Большую часть сознательной жизни я сплю тут, с мамой. Это наша кровать, наша комната. Белый гарнитур «Людовик XIV», подаренный родителям на свадьбу, состоит также из «стенки» с двумя шкафами с антресолями и трюмо с круглым зеркалом и пары комодов. На том месте, где стояла моя первая детская кроватка - сейчас кресло. На него я сваливаю свою одежду, а меня потом ругают. Возле кресла еще одно окно с растениями. За ним сейчас непроглядная черная ночь. А днем виднеется сизая полоска парка, тополя вдоль дороги и далекие трубы «Химволокна».
The Russian text: (этим мы успокаиваем себя, по крайней мере) - it seems, a little rearrangement of words may be advisable: этим, по крайней мере, мы успокаиваем себя; also, it этим seems that needs some explanation??????
подаренный родителям на свадьбу - подаренный моим родителям на свадьбу;
“А днем виднеется сизая полоска парка, тополя вдоль дороги и далекие трубы «Химволокна».” - it’s absolutely great that you did not try to render «Химволокна» into English and substituted it with “a chemical plant.”
It’s a very professional touch!
The English text:
As I was pining at bedtimes, - to pine has two basic meaning: to become sad because someone has died or gone away; and to pine for: if you pine for a place or for something, you miss it a lot and wish you could be there or have it again; “В сонном маяньи” - In a dreamy, semi-conscious state, half-saleep…???
maybe dig into another dimension or who knows. - or who knows, maybe get through into another dimension…;
Behind my head is a windowsill - it seems, though I ma not sure, here the definite article the would be better;
windowsill cracked with moisture, - the painted [which color?] wooden windowsill which is all covered cracked caused by water that regularly leaks from the potted plants that stand on it in a dense row;
that holds a dense row of flowerpots. - see the previous comment;
something of an extra curtain - the pots strand so close to each other that they form a sort of an additional curtain…;
and the dwellers of the opposite building - and the inhabitants of the high-rise that stands next to ours…;
cannot see how we live here - are deprived of a chance to observe us, by peeping, in our daily routines;
and go to sleep in particular (well at least that what conciliates me and mom). - particularly when we go to bed;
clipped to the bolster at our heads. - bolster is a long firm pillow, usually shaped like a tube so the lamps could be clipped to the headboard of the bed
Most of my life I sleep here, with mom; - Most of my life I’ve been sleeping in this bed, with my mom;
A white furniture set is called “Ludovic XIV” - I think you could call it Louis XIV, for easier readers’ reference; if you still want to transcribe the name than it could be Lyudovik;
consists of two wardrobes, a round mirror and a dresser.
On that place where my crib used to stand is now an armchair. - An armchair stands now at the spot where my crib once used to stand; or - the place where my crib used to stand is now occupied by an armchair;
I pile up my clothing and stuff on it - I throw my clothes and other stuff on it which form an untidy pile and get scolded/reprimanded for it once in a while…;
get a go from my parents once in a while. - see the previous comment
There is an utter and impenetrable darkness behind it - it seems adding now can be advisable;
At daytimes - In the daytime…
, a metro-line - the subway railroad line ????
distant pipes and chimneys of a chemical plant - distant chimneys and smokestacks…
that covers most of the horizon. - ????? what covers the horizon? It reads as though it’s a cloud.??? The factory stretches along the horizon? The subway line stretches along the visible horizon???
In darkness all of that in and out of my room acquires some new qualities, becomes something like a takeoff site, an airport, a transit passengers lounge, nothing of that room anymore, with a hole in wallpaper where just another day of mine ends. For me the whole thing is just starting. Right behind the bed, at my feet grows a giant cheese plant that in my earlier fantasies used to be either a castle with aerial roots making its flying buttresses or just a peaceful monster. The car lights glide along the ceiling and top of the wall as brass trapeziums and parallelepipeds, illuminating, for instances, the metal edging of picture frames and glass.
“They lay tightly clinging to one another” - that’s how the next episode starts. Shortly afterwards the only lover of my key female protagonist is eaten up by a monster. But those other issues were of far less importance for me.
Все это в темноте обретает новый смысл, становится чем-то вроде стартовой площадки, аэропорта, транзитного зала ожидания, никакой не комнаты с дыркой в обоях, в которой заканчивается очередной день. Для меня все только начинается. Сразу за кроватью, в ногах, у нас растет гигантская монстера, в моих более ранних фантазиях бывшая то ли замком, с воздушными корнями-аркбутанами, то ли добрым чудовищем. Свет автомобильных фар скользит мутными латунными трапециями и параллелепипедами вдоль потолка и верхней части стены, подсвечивая, на миг, металлическую окантовку картинных рам и стекло над фотографиями. «Они лежали, тесно прижавшись друг к другу» - так начинается следующий эпизод. Потом единственного любовника моей главной героини съедает монстр. Но это все мне казалось второстепенным, условностями.
The Rusian text:
ожидания, никакой не комнаты с - something sems to be wrong with grammar connections;
Но это все мне казалось второстепенным, условностями. - what exactly seemed secondary?
The English text:
In darkness all of that in and out of my room acquires some new qualities, - all of these things that surround me ??????...acquire some new meanings??? Go through transformations??? Transform into something totally different???
becomes something like a takeoff site, - a launching pad;
nothing of that room anymore, - it’s not a room anymore????
with a hole in wallpaper where just another day of mine ends. …the whole in which another day …
For me the whole thing is just starting. -the magical transformations only just begin with the coming of darkness????
grows a giant cheese plant - монстера is monstera in English, or ceriman, plants of the Monstera genus;
… castle with aerial roots making its flying buttresses -…. roots which become flying buttresses…;
or just a peaceful monster. - friendly/amiable/ benevolent monster;
The car lights glide along the ceiling and top of the wall as brass trapeziums and parallelepipeds, - the reflections of the lights of the cars driving by along the road down below, play on the ceiling and the tops of the walls as moving trapezium- and parallelepiped-like shapes…;
illuminating, for instances, the metal edging of picture frames and glass. - and ignite, for a moment, the edges of the metal frames of the pictures and bounce off the glass.;
“They lay tightly clinging to one another” - that’s how the next episode starts. - “They were lying in a tight embrace, clinging to each other.”
Shortly afterwards the only lover of my key female protagonist is eaten up by a monster. - why would the protagonist have more than one lover? And why the key protagonist? The protagonist itself does suggest the main character!
But those other issues were of far less importance for me. - It is not clear what is meant.
It’s just an… option, a commercial binding of the essence element of the whole thing, which is eloquently revealed in few sentences. Those snug secluded pauses preliminary to falling asleep were imbued for me with all that what was happening between them two, before a monster came, far beyond the printing and binding offices, sans-serif and low-quality paper gruffness. As a fragile rainbow that thing they did dipped into space becoming one with endlessness and eternity.
In my fantasies he was thirty seven and she was thirty four. It seemed to me that adults of that age are rather direct and simple. Especially when the lights are dim and the room is emerged in semi-darkness. I was not yet there with them. I, as an observer of no age or sex, as a quiet bodiless soul was simply watching them from different angles, comfortably switching at my directors’ console panel between the cameras. And then I would fall asleep. And my following day was filled with school corridors, yards and concrete apartment blocks , with writings in my note books and early dusk with cozy table lamp light, with favorite music in headphones - those images left an axonometric, lush, but utterly unemphatic memory that wormed up, in a perfectly Freudian manner, my inspirations and joys of ordinary everyday life.
Коммерчески выгодной, привлекательной для читателя окантовкой сути тех нескольких предложений. Уютные, укромные паузы перед сном были заполнены у меня тем, что происходило у них там, до всяких монстров, за пределами типографских форм и станочных валиков, гарнитуры «Таймс» и некачественной бумажной шероховатости. Эфирной радугой оно уходило в космос, соединяясь там с вечностью и бесконечностью.
Ему в моих фантазиях было тридцать семь. Ей - тридцать четыре. Мне казалось, что взрослые люди таких лет должны быть достаточно просты и решительны. Особенно, когда в комнате приглушено освещение и царит полумрак. Меня еще не было с ними. Я - как наблюдатель без пола и возраста, как тихая бесплотная душа следила за происходящим с разных удобных ракурсов, переключаясь за режиссерским пультом с камеры на камеру. А потом засыпала. И в моем новом дне, наполненном школьными коридорами, дворами, панельными многоэтажками и светом настольной лампочки над исписанными тетрадями, любимой музыкой в наушниках - от них оставалось объемное, сочное, свежее, но совершенно безликое воспоминание, подогревавшее, точно по Фрейду, мои вдохновения и радости по совсем иным, будничным жизненным вопросам.
The Russian text:
Потом единственного любовника моей главной героини съедает монстр. Но это все мне казалось второстепенным, условностями. Коммерчески выгодной, привлекательной для читателя окантовкой сути тех нескольких предложений -
Ему в моих фантазиях было тридцать семь. Ей - тридцать четыре. - It seems that in the first sentence would not mind being supplied with years: тридцать семь лет
The English text:
It’s just an… option, a commercial binding of the essence element of the whole thing, which is eloquently revealed in few sentences. - as I said earlier, for me as reader, there is something missing, something that would make the meaning clearer.;
between them two, - the two protagonists of the novel?;
before a monster came, - before the mosntyer came - the monster that gobbled him up?;
far beyond the printing and binding offices, sans-serif and low-quality paper gruffness. - far beyond the printing press/printing works…the book covers, the print type or the low-quality rough paper… ;
As a fragile rainbow that thing they did dipped into space becoming one with endlessness and eternity. - an ethereal rainbow merging with the boundlessness and eternity
when the lights are dim and the room is emerged in semi-darkness. - when the room is submerged in semi-darkness; it’s a reapet of the phrase used earlier - is it all right?;
an observer of no age or sex, - an ageless and sexless observer…;
as a quiet bodiless soul my directors’ console panel - as a quiet incorporeal spirit ..;
… my following day was filled with school corridors, - my next day was to be filled with…;
yards and concrete apartment blocks , - with courtyards between…;
with writings in my note books and - with doing my home assignments, writing in my notebooks, ;
early dusk with cozy table lamp light, with favorite music in headphones - and then with the coming of the early dusk, with the cozy table lamp on and with my favorite music playing in my headphones…;
those images left an axonometric, lush, but utterly unemphatic memory - left a three-dimensional, vivid but at the same time neutral/lackluster memory…;
that wormed up, in a perfectly Freudian manner, - spelling: that warmed up, …; I do not understand the Freudian reference;
На днях я поделилась грандиозным событием - я села переводить нашу книжку на английский и с гордостью выложила первую страницу. Ее отредактировали и вернули мне на доработку.
Писателям тоже можно послушать - потому что примерно так, в пух и прах мой папа размазывал и мои ранние русскоязычные творческие потуги, перековав из наглого графомана в исполнительного лауреата:) Я очень люблю критику от компетентных людей и считаю, что умение что-то хорошо делать, с получаением больших денег и регалий за это - залог не просто таланта, а и изнуряющих тренировок. И что писатель или переводчик ничем не отличается от спортивного гимнаста, например, который, пусть талантливый, с отличными данными - без зверя-тренера и тысяч часов в зале, никогда б не научлся всем этим сальто и прыжкам с перекладинами.
Мой папа преподает теорию и практику перевода уже почти сорок лет. До того он много лет проработал в "Интуристе". Он один из немногих соотечественников, которых я знаю, говорящий по-английски практически без акцента.
Он въедливый, строгий и бескомпромиссный.
Yoga Affair
Revised
I find the Russian text to be a very well written piece and you can ignore my comments to it; the English text does not have “mistakes” - some of the words used do not carry the meaning that you wanted them to carry, that’s all.
For a beginner in translation of fiction it’s very good.
In general I suggest that you do not “translate” your own prose but rewrite it in English.
Highlighted in red are things I want to draw your attention to; highlighted in blue are my textual suggestions; question marks ????? suggest that I am not sure my comment is any good or that other variants are possible,
The Yoga Affair
Sex and Sadness
(in names of books or articles we capitalize all the words except, in some cases, the articles and words like and, to, etc.,
Роман с йогой
1. Печаль и секс
I was twelve and a half when in an “Alien 3” unofficial movie novelization by “Alex Rivenge” I’ve read the following passage:
“And when she leaned towards him, Clemens grasped her in deep embrace and all inconsistences of the past day, all worries, all problems seized to exist for them.” That was the only sexual scene, for you to understand, out of all three volumes. These several niggard sentences accompanied me to sleep every evening for about two years. “The light was dim and the room was emerged in semi-darkness”.
I close my eyes and turn to the side, facing the wall, on my parents’ double bed. The wallpaper is bleached green, with an elongated rhombus-shaped hole -once, that was many years ago, I discovered that if rubbed, the paper goes away, revealing the cold grey concrete. That opened up to me as a sudden searchless revelation.
Мне было двенадцать с половиной лет, когда в книге Алекса Ривенджа «Чужой-3» я прочитала следующую сцену:
«…когда она потянулась к нему, Клеменс сжал ее в объятиях - и все странности последнего дня, вся тревога, все проблемы перестали для него существовать…» Это была единственная сексуальная сцена на весь трёхтомник, чтобы вы понимали. Эти несколько скупых предложений провожали меня спать каждый вечер на протяжении, как минимум, двух лет. Каждый вечер. «Освещение было приглушено и в комнате царил полумрак».
Я закрываю глаза и отворачиваюсь к стенке на родительской двуспальной кровати. На стенке зеленые потертые обои с небольшой вытянутой ромбовидной дырой - когда-то, много лет назад, я обнаружила, что если тут сильно потереть пальцем, то можно добраться аж до бетона, который обнажился передо мной тогда внезапным откровением.
Russian part:
я прочитала следующую сцену - it does seem to sound quite right: прочитать сцену ; maybe прочитала вот что...???? or something along this line??
когда-то, много лет назад, я обнаружила - the narrator is only twelve and a half, so много лет назад would make her too little!
к стенке на родительской двуспальной кровати - probably к стене? And maybe родительской двуспальной moving closer to the beginning of the sentence?
English part:
an “Alien 3” - an is a wrong article;
unofficial movie novelization - it does not explain much and is sort of misleading; “the novel Alien 3 [no invereted commas - italics will do] by Alex Rivenge, based on the Sci-Fi film….”
by “Alex Rivenge” - why inverted commas?
I’ve read the following …. - once you are in the grammatical past, Present Perfect is not used - I read…;
grasped her in deep embrace - clasped her tight in his arms; embraced her warmly; tightly; put his arms around her…;
all inconsistences of the past day, - all the anxieties…;
all worries, all problems - all the worries and petty troubles …;
seized to exist - spelling: ceased to ;
the only sexual scene, - the only sex scene ???????????;
for you to understand, - the reference is not quite clear - for you to better understand what??;
out of all three volumes. - in all the three Alien novels - or is the Alien 3 novels in three volumes?
…several niggard sentences. - first of all, niggard, as a noun, means a grasping, stingy person, a miser; as an adjective it can be used to mean stingy, miserly; also it may sound now old-fashioned; mostly it is used in the form “niggardly”: a niggardly gift, amount, salary, etc., something that is much too small and is given unwillingly (niggardly wages); a niggardly person - unwilling to spend money; несколько скупых предложений - can be rendered as “several simple, artless sentences/phrases;
“The light was dim - the lights were dimmed; with only one dim light on, the room was submerged in semi-darkness;
the room was emerged in semi-darkness” - “submerged” is the word; or you can go around it saying, the room was semi-dark with only dim light on;
turn to the side, facing the wall, - turned to face the wall…;
on my parents’ double bed. - probably this should be moved elsewhere: Lying on my parents’ double bed, I close my eyes and turn to face the wall;
The wallpaper is bleached green - to bleach suggests turning something white or very pale; потертые обои - faded wallpaper;
, that was many years ago, - the same comment as in Russian; in the beginning of the story the narrator says: “I was twelve and a half” - so “many years ago” would reduce the age of the narrator too much.
the paper goes away, revealing the cold grey concrete. - I discovered that if rubbed, the paper goes away, revealing the cold grey concrete can be reworked into: “I discovered that if I rubbed the wallpaper hard enough with my finger the cold gray concrete beneath the paper could be revealed…;
That opened up to me as a sudden searchless revelation. - I am not quite sure what you wanted t express by saying , but внезапным откровением can be rendered as a sudden revelatory discovery, unexpected revelation; serendipitous discovery;
As I was pining at bedtimes, I tried to rub through the concrete as well and maybe dig into another dimension or who knows. Behind my head is a windowsill cracked with moisture, that holds a dense row of flowerpots. There are so many of them that they make something of an extra curtain and the dwellers of the opposite building cannot see how we live here and go to sleep in particular (well at least that what conciliates me and mom). Two orange reading lamps are clipped to the bolster at our heads. Most of my life I sleep here, with mom. This is our bed, our room. A white furniture set is called “Ludovic XIV” and consists of two wardrobes, a round mirror and a dresser. On that place where my crib used to stand is now an armchair. I pile up my clothing and stuff on it get a go from my parents once in a while. Near the armchair there is another window. There is an utter and impenetrable darkness behind it. At daytimes one can see a dove-colored stretch of a little park, some poplars along the road, a metro-line and distant pipes and chimneys of a chemical plant that covers most of the horizon.
В сонном маяньи я пыталась протереть и бетон тоже, чтобы пробраться, возможно, в другое измерение. За моим изголовьем растрескавшийся от влаги подоконник и плотный ряд горшков с растениями. Растений так много, что они создают что-то вроде занавески и жителям соседней шестнадцатиэтажки должно быть не видно, как мы тут живем и ложимся спать в частности (этим мы успокаиваем себя, по крайней мере). К самому изголовью прицеплены две рыжих лампочки на прищепках - одна для мамы, вторая для меня. Большую часть сознательной жизни я сплю тут, с мамой. Это наша кровать, наша комната. Белый гарнитур «Людовик XIV», подаренный родителям на свадьбу, состоит также из «стенки» с двумя шкафами с антресолями и трюмо с круглым зеркалом и пары комодов. На том месте, где стояла моя первая детская кроватка - сейчас кресло. На него я сваливаю свою одежду, а меня потом ругают. Возле кресла еще одно окно с растениями. За ним сейчас непроглядная черная ночь. А днем виднеется сизая полоска парка, тополя вдоль дороги и далекие трубы «Химволокна».
The Russian text: (этим мы успокаиваем себя, по крайней мере) - it seems, a little rearrangement of words may be advisable: этим, по крайней мере, мы успокаиваем себя; also, it этим seems that needs some explanation??????
подаренный родителям на свадьбу - подаренный моим родителям на свадьбу;
“А днем виднеется сизая полоска парка, тополя вдоль дороги и далекие трубы «Химволокна».” - it’s absolutely great that you did not try to render «Химволокна» into English and substituted it with “a chemical plant.”
It’s a very professional touch!
The English text:
As I was pining at bedtimes, - to pine has two basic meaning: to become sad because someone has died or gone away; and to pine for: if you pine for a place or for something, you miss it a lot and wish you could be there or have it again; “В сонном маяньи” - In a dreamy, semi-conscious state, half-saleep…???
maybe dig into another dimension or who knows. - or who knows, maybe get through into another dimension…;
Behind my head is a windowsill - it seems, though I ma not sure, here the definite article the would be better;
windowsill cracked with moisture, - the painted [which color?] wooden windowsill which is all covered cracked caused by water that regularly leaks from the potted plants that stand on it in a dense row;
that holds a dense row of flowerpots. - see the previous comment;
something of an extra curtain - the pots strand so close to each other that they form a sort of an additional curtain…;
and the dwellers of the opposite building - and the inhabitants of the high-rise that stands next to ours…;
cannot see how we live here - are deprived of a chance to observe us, by peeping, in our daily routines;
and go to sleep in particular (well at least that what conciliates me and mom). - particularly when we go to bed;
clipped to the bolster at our heads. - bolster is a long firm pillow, usually shaped like a tube so the lamps could be clipped to the headboard of the bed
Most of my life I sleep here, with mom; - Most of my life I’ve been sleeping in this bed, with my mom;
A white furniture set is called “Ludovic XIV” - I think you could call it Louis XIV, for easier readers’ reference; if you still want to transcribe the name than it could be Lyudovik;
consists of two wardrobes, a round mirror and a dresser.
On that place where my crib used to stand is now an armchair. - An armchair stands now at the spot where my crib once used to stand; or - the place where my crib used to stand is now occupied by an armchair;
I pile up my clothing and stuff on it - I throw my clothes and other stuff on it which form an untidy pile and get scolded/reprimanded for it once in a while…;
get a go from my parents once in a while. - see the previous comment
There is an utter and impenetrable darkness behind it - it seems adding now can be advisable;
At daytimes - In the daytime…
, a metro-line - the subway railroad line ????
distant pipes and chimneys of a chemical plant - distant chimneys and smokestacks…
that covers most of the horizon. - ????? what covers the horizon? It reads as though it’s a cloud.??? The factory stretches along the horizon? The subway line stretches along the visible horizon???
In darkness all of that in and out of my room acquires some new qualities, becomes something like a takeoff site, an airport, a transit passengers lounge, nothing of that room anymore, with a hole in wallpaper where just another day of mine ends. For me the whole thing is just starting. Right behind the bed, at my feet grows a giant cheese plant that in my earlier fantasies used to be either a castle with aerial roots making its flying buttresses or just a peaceful monster. The car lights glide along the ceiling and top of the wall as brass trapeziums and parallelepipeds, illuminating, for instances, the metal edging of picture frames and glass.
“They lay tightly clinging to one another” - that’s how the next episode starts. Shortly afterwards the only lover of my key female protagonist is eaten up by a monster. But those other issues were of far less importance for me.
Все это в темноте обретает новый смысл, становится чем-то вроде стартовой площадки, аэропорта, транзитного зала ожидания, никакой не комнаты с дыркой в обоях, в которой заканчивается очередной день. Для меня все только начинается. Сразу за кроватью, в ногах, у нас растет гигантская монстера, в моих более ранних фантазиях бывшая то ли замком, с воздушными корнями-аркбутанами, то ли добрым чудовищем. Свет автомобильных фар скользит мутными латунными трапециями и параллелепипедами вдоль потолка и верхней части стены, подсвечивая, на миг, металлическую окантовку картинных рам и стекло над фотографиями. «Они лежали, тесно прижавшись друг к другу» - так начинается следующий эпизод. Потом единственного любовника моей главной героини съедает монстр. Но это все мне казалось второстепенным, условностями.
The Rusian text:
ожидания, никакой не комнаты с - something sems to be wrong with grammar connections;
Но это все мне казалось второстепенным, условностями. - what exactly seemed secondary?
The English text:
In darkness all of that in and out of my room acquires some new qualities, - all of these things that surround me ??????...acquire some new meanings??? Go through transformations??? Transform into something totally different???
becomes something like a takeoff site, - a launching pad;
nothing of that room anymore, - it’s not a room anymore????
with a hole in wallpaper where just another day of mine ends. …the whole in which another day …
For me the whole thing is just starting. -the magical transformations only just begin with the coming of darkness????
grows a giant cheese plant - монстера is monstera in English, or ceriman, plants of the Monstera genus;
… castle with aerial roots making its flying buttresses -…. roots which become flying buttresses…;
or just a peaceful monster. - friendly/amiable/ benevolent monster;
The car lights glide along the ceiling and top of the wall as brass trapeziums and parallelepipeds, - the reflections of the lights of the cars driving by along the road down below, play on the ceiling and the tops of the walls as moving trapezium- and parallelepiped-like shapes…;
illuminating, for instances, the metal edging of picture frames and glass. - and ignite, for a moment, the edges of the metal frames of the pictures and bounce off the glass.;
“They lay tightly clinging to one another” - that’s how the next episode starts. - “They were lying in a tight embrace, clinging to each other.”
Shortly afterwards the only lover of my key female protagonist is eaten up by a monster. - why would the protagonist have more than one lover? And why the key protagonist? The protagonist itself does suggest the main character!
But those other issues were of far less importance for me. - It is not clear what is meant.
It’s just an… option, a commercial binding of the essence element of the whole thing, which is eloquently revealed in few sentences. Those snug secluded pauses preliminary to falling asleep were imbued for me with all that what was happening between them two, before a monster came, far beyond the printing and binding offices, sans-serif and low-quality paper gruffness. As a fragile rainbow that thing they did dipped into space becoming one with endlessness and eternity.
In my fantasies he was thirty seven and she was thirty four. It seemed to me that adults of that age are rather direct and simple. Especially when the lights are dim and the room is emerged in semi-darkness. I was not yet there with them. I, as an observer of no age or sex, as a quiet bodiless soul was simply watching them from different angles, comfortably switching at my directors’ console panel between the cameras. And then I would fall asleep. And my following day was filled with school corridors, yards and concrete apartment blocks , with writings in my note books and early dusk with cozy table lamp light, with favorite music in headphones - those images left an axonometric, lush, but utterly unemphatic memory that wormed up, in a perfectly Freudian manner, my inspirations and joys of ordinary everyday life.
Коммерчески выгодной, привлекательной для читателя окантовкой сути тех нескольких предложений. Уютные, укромные паузы перед сном были заполнены у меня тем, что происходило у них там, до всяких монстров, за пределами типографских форм и станочных валиков, гарнитуры «Таймс» и некачественной бумажной шероховатости. Эфирной радугой оно уходило в космос, соединяясь там с вечностью и бесконечностью.
Ему в моих фантазиях было тридцать семь. Ей - тридцать четыре. Мне казалось, что взрослые люди таких лет должны быть достаточно просты и решительны. Особенно, когда в комнате приглушено освещение и царит полумрак. Меня еще не было с ними. Я - как наблюдатель без пола и возраста, как тихая бесплотная душа следила за происходящим с разных удобных ракурсов, переключаясь за режиссерским пультом с камеры на камеру. А потом засыпала. И в моем новом дне, наполненном школьными коридорами, дворами, панельными многоэтажками и светом настольной лампочки над исписанными тетрадями, любимой музыкой в наушниках - от них оставалось объемное, сочное, свежее, но совершенно безликое воспоминание, подогревавшее, точно по Фрейду, мои вдохновения и радости по совсем иным, будничным жизненным вопросам.
The Russian text:
Потом единственного любовника моей главной героини съедает монстр. Но это все мне казалось второстепенным, условностями. Коммерчески выгодной, привлекательной для читателя окантовкой сути тех нескольких предложений -
Ему в моих фантазиях было тридцать семь. Ей - тридцать четыре. - It seems that in the first sentence would not mind being supplied with years: тридцать семь лет
The English text:
It’s just an… option, a commercial binding of the essence element of the whole thing, which is eloquently revealed in few sentences. - as I said earlier, for me as reader, there is something missing, something that would make the meaning clearer.;
between them two, - the two protagonists of the novel?;
before a monster came, - before the mosntyer came - the monster that gobbled him up?;
far beyond the printing and binding offices, sans-serif and low-quality paper gruffness. - far beyond the printing press/printing works…the book covers, the print type or the low-quality rough paper… ;
As a fragile rainbow that thing they did dipped into space becoming one with endlessness and eternity. - an ethereal rainbow merging with the boundlessness and eternity
when the lights are dim and the room is emerged in semi-darkness. - when the room is submerged in semi-darkness; it’s a reapet of the phrase used earlier - is it all right?;
an observer of no age or sex, - an ageless and sexless observer…;
as a quiet bodiless soul my directors’ console panel - as a quiet incorporeal spirit ..;
… my following day was filled with school corridors, - my next day was to be filled with…;
yards and concrete apartment blocks , - with courtyards between…;
with writings in my note books and - with doing my home assignments, writing in my notebooks, ;
early dusk with cozy table lamp light, with favorite music in headphones - and then with the coming of the early dusk, with the cozy table lamp on and with my favorite music playing in my headphones…;
those images left an axonometric, lush, but utterly unemphatic memory - left a three-dimensional, vivid but at the same time neutral/lackluster memory…;
that wormed up, in a perfectly Freudian manner, - spelling: that warmed up, …; I do not understand the Freudian reference;