Therapy session...
Well I feel like I have no one to really open up to about how I've been feeling lately. I'm not really the open up type... I hate feeling vulnerable. Anyways, the last month or so has been pretty hard for me deep down. I didn't think it would last so long. I have to fake a smile to hide the fact that I'm not doing okay. The things that normally make me happy no longer do the job. When I do find a little happiness, it's only momentarily... it never lasts as long as I'd like. I'm secluded and keep to myself a lot... the one person I was able to open up to is no longer someone I want to rely on for such things. I don't think anyone has time for my problems, but I always have time to put mines to the side and deal with everyone else's as long as it helps them and makes them happy... at least I try. I don't know if I'll ever find what I'm missing... I don't even know what it is I'm missing. This relationship was great while it lasted, but since it ended I no longer have any hope for love... that's basically what I have built myself on in the last 8 years and for me to come to this point is almost like someone who has worshipped a god their whole life to find out that their god doesn't exist... romantically, I feel helpless and lost. I'm not sure what I want and what to do in the mean time. I want to go out, but I'm sure I will NEVER find my needs at the club. I want to meet new people, but I'm not sure if I want to put my trust in someone new. I feel like I expect way too much and I always end up disappointed. I want to just mingle around, but it would never satisfy me and I know I would still feel lonely at night. I don't even think getting her back would do anything for how I feel. This whole week, I've been miserable... I thought it would help to see her but if anything it's getting worse. It's just very unhealthy for me. I know I'm just asking to get hurt again. I think about old relationships and the many girls I used to talk to and don't see why anyone would pass me up as much as I've been passed up. Things like that make me not even want to bother with love anymore. But I'd be kidding myself if I said I never want to find love again... I think the problem that comes up is, am I searching for something I can never find??? Maybe that's the source of my down feeling lately... just to think that something I always believed in might not even exist for me.