I realize...
that it has been awhile since my most recent post... I've been given over to quiet contemplation as of late. Working at one project or another. Becoming Obi-wan Kenobi was great fun, and very theraputic these past few weeks. Now the time has come for me to re-enter "the real world", with whatever lessons I have learned from adopting the persona of the venerable Jedi Master.
Lately it seems I've been going through the motions again. I haven't had a real "motivation" for lack of a better term, to do anything. Being on auto-pilot is safe, but can be dangerous if trusted to for too great a time. What do I really want out of life? I feel as though I'm being forced to "settle" for things that are "within my reach". Perhaps it's just a part of life. Or perhaps, circumstance amounts to nothing, provided that all the while an individual is continualy at work; perfecting whatever craft he or she chooses to take up.
In all sincerity, I have no clue as to whose "friends list" I'm on anymore. I have no "target group". I'm addressing no one in particular. I know only that if anyone reads this, they probably know me. Whatever opinion the masses (or the few) have adopted of me... is simply something that I have to learn to live with. I can not however, allow myself to become so concerned with what the masses think of me, that I comprimise being who I truly am. And who am I? That's something that I've been working on for the past twenty-three years.
Until quite recently I've felt very old. These days, not so much anymore. Though aside from getting married and having children, there remains not much that I haven't done/experienced already. I have often complained to my friends that I constantly feel lonely. That at least has changed. Recent events (which I still don't understand fully) have brought about a revaltion that "loniless" is not an imposed condition by some witches curse, but rather an attitude held by the "lonely" individual. I (as of now) do not know how to function within the confines of a romantic relationship. Not being involved with someone is much safer for me right now. I've always viewed that as a bad thing. It is possible that I'll never be able to function in such a way, but it would be far better to live a full life by oneself, than to live never reaching your potential in a stagnet relationship...
I feel strongly that I've "alinged" myself properly with "the light side of the Force". Anger, hate, and fear do not drive me. "love" of some kind does. There is hope. I have confidence that most of my friends will find their way. One, sadly one that I considered my brother, did fall to the darkside and I can no longer help him. He ceased to be A.J.M. and became Darth Cannibus. I sympathize with Obi-wan. "Where did I go wrong?" he must have thought to himself, as I have thought to myself. Ultimately his destiny lied on a differnt path than mine. So it must be...
Now that I've vented properly, I think I can sleep well.
"The Force will be with you, always."
Kris Kenobi
Lately it seems I've been going through the motions again. I haven't had a real "motivation" for lack of a better term, to do anything. Being on auto-pilot is safe, but can be dangerous if trusted to for too great a time. What do I really want out of life? I feel as though I'm being forced to "settle" for things that are "within my reach". Perhaps it's just a part of life. Or perhaps, circumstance amounts to nothing, provided that all the while an individual is continualy at work; perfecting whatever craft he or she chooses to take up.
In all sincerity, I have no clue as to whose "friends list" I'm on anymore. I have no "target group". I'm addressing no one in particular. I know only that if anyone reads this, they probably know me. Whatever opinion the masses (or the few) have adopted of me... is simply something that I have to learn to live with. I can not however, allow myself to become so concerned with what the masses think of me, that I comprimise being who I truly am. And who am I? That's something that I've been working on for the past twenty-three years.
Until quite recently I've felt very old. These days, not so much anymore. Though aside from getting married and having children, there remains not much that I haven't done/experienced already. I have often complained to my friends that I constantly feel lonely. That at least has changed. Recent events (which I still don't understand fully) have brought about a revaltion that "loniless" is not an imposed condition by some witches curse, but rather an attitude held by the "lonely" individual. I (as of now) do not know how to function within the confines of a romantic relationship. Not being involved with someone is much safer for me right now. I've always viewed that as a bad thing. It is possible that I'll never be able to function in such a way, but it would be far better to live a full life by oneself, than to live never reaching your potential in a stagnet relationship...
I feel strongly that I've "alinged" myself properly with "the light side of the Force". Anger, hate, and fear do not drive me. "love" of some kind does. There is hope. I have confidence that most of my friends will find their way. One, sadly one that I considered my brother, did fall to the darkside and I can no longer help him. He ceased to be A.J.M. and became Darth Cannibus. I sympathize with Obi-wan. "Where did I go wrong?" he must have thought to himself, as I have thought to myself. Ultimately his destiny lied on a differnt path than mine. So it must be...
Now that I've vented properly, I think I can sleep well.
"The Force will be with you, always."
Kris Kenobi